Sex-positivity, duckfaced selfies, classism at work?

I recall my first exposure to the term "sex-positive". I was living in Montana, and delving into the Riot Grrrrl culture. In flipping through a few feminist zines, I encountered the phrase, and nodded my head. I had long referred to myself as a feminist, even in high school, but found some of the writings of Boomer feminists such as Andrea Dworkin to not resonate in the least. I did not consider consensual sex with men to be rape. I enjoyed dressing up, playing with girlie things, and was known to flirt with men from time to time. The old school gender feminism just seemed alien to me. I did, however, believe in choosing my destiny without regard to gender expectations, expected equal pay for equal work, and bristled at the idea of being controlled by men. I was drawn to the company of strong, powerful women who didn't put up with crap from anyone. I was very much into seeing live bands and exploring new music, and I observed that there were two types of girls there- the girls who wanted to BE the artist and felt like a peer with male musicians, and the girls who thought they absorbed brilliance through osmosis by merely sleeping with the musicians. I was the former. I also believed that women should embrace and be proud of their sexuality without guilt. So, I donned the label "sex-positive feminist" with ease, despite my general distaste for labels, and I have rarely questioned my stance since.

Lately, I have begun to really ponder the concept of "sex-positive", because I am having a hard time defining exactly what it means, and I am struggling to parse out some of my conflicting reactions to sexuality as displayed in our culture. I have been reading a few blogs by feminists of color, and some of them express their difficulty relating to the whole notion of "sex-positive" feminism. They commonly state their perception of such as a philosophy that is oriented towards girls from a very white, very affluent, very "women's college" background. Women of color have to struggle with society's archetypal perceptions of "brown women" as being primitive, hypersexual, "Jezebels", and therefore, have very different struggles than those of upper-middle class white women. They feel more drawn to battles to be taken seriously as intellectuals, as equal to Causasian women, rather than to be seen as fully sexual human beings. Many have cited "slut walks" as events in which they are very reluctant to attend, if for no other reason than the fact that they are constantly fighting perceptions of being a "slut". It's hard to take on the label of "slut" with pride when you are assumed to be a slut, called a 'ho, etc. A white Women's Studies major at Brandeis who attended boarding school can wear the slut identity as a costume; can use the term playfully. She is part of a privileged class, and as such, can afford to challenge cultural norms.

Second, as a 45 year old working mother, I have long reached peace with my sexual identity, and with myself as a sexual being. What I grapple with now is balancing career with motherhood, economics, making ends meet, and staying sane with what feels like an insanely scheduled life. I struggle with the challenges of raising a child with a whopping case of SPD and ADHD, a bright, creative, joy of a child, but an often difficult child to raise. What were BIG LIFE issues during my college years seem now to be naval gazings for which I cannot find time. I suppose my next area of feminist concern will be how women are perceived during the aging process.

What does keep me drawn to gender/feminist issues is the fact that I am parenting a young daughter and frankly, I am scared shitless. Yes, I want her to grow up and embrace her sexual persona. I want her to feel strong and independent and empowered, and we are both doing our best to help her blossom as a female. But she is currently being pelted with so many conflicting, confusing messages from the media and from culture. She is already making observations about our sexualized culture, from singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It" to shaking her hips and saying, "Mommy- am I sexy?" No matter how we try to monitor and mitigate the images to which she is exposed, she is pelted with highly sexualized, exploitative song lyrics, bathroom selfies, and body hatred memes. I find myself less concerned with her eventual sex-positivity than I am with worries that she will be exploited and encouraged to become prematurely sexual, before she is emotionally mature enough to handle it with grace.

I am constantly trying to unpack how I can convey to my daughter that her sexuality is a healthy, natural part of her being, and to discourage slut-shaming, while steering her far away from presenting herself as an object to be consumed and discarded. I never thought I would reach this point, but I find myself feeling dismay when I see images of young, attractive women posting nearly naked bathroom duckfaced selfies on Facebook. I feel conflicted and a bit hypocritical. I can voraciously read Carol Queen and interviews with Nina Hartley and Annie Sprinkle, and I can embrace burlesque, erotica, and pinup culture, and yet I flinch when I see Miley Cyrus' awkward tongue-out twerking, or watch contemporary top 40 female performers on stage as they sing sexually explicit lyrics and grind for the camera's benefit. Why the disparity? Is it that I am classist? Is it that I can accept a well-educated woman who is openly sexual and can intellectualize her sexuality in an articulate manner, while bathroom duckfaced selfies just come off as "low-class"? Is it a prejudice against "mainstream" performers? Throw me a Peaches, and I will blare "Tent in Your Pants" until the cow comes home, but throw me a random R-rated Britney Spears song and I will roll my eyes. Perhaps I see the Annie Sprinkles and Nina Hartleys of the world as strong women who drive their own bus, while I see the random duckfaced girl in a poorly decorated bathroom in a low rent apartment as someone who is lacking self-respect and is merely reacting to the expectations of their culture and desperately vying for attention- as someone who is presenting themselves as an object for sex, but who really yearns for a traditional lifestyle and love, and will always bemoan the fact that the guy doesn't call again. Annie Sprinkle is in control of her sexuality and she knows the score. Random duckface is probably being exploited and is probably often sad that she cannot truly find what she seeks. At least, that is how I perceive things. And, really, a huge piece of this for me is that I have to help my almost 8 year old daughter navigate these murky waters. I want her to be sex-positive, but I also want her to finish college before she gets pregnant, to only have sex when she truly wants to have sex, and to not allow herself to be manipulated by men. I hope I am not theorizing that only smart women get to be sexual beings. I hope I am not hopelessly classist. But, I fear that I am.

In any case, these swirling thoughts are running through my head and causing me great confusion. My ultimate goal is to usher my child unscathed into this culture, which is often misogynistic and exploitative. I'm just not sure how to get there.