Rebooting...

During my early adult years, connecting with nature was where I found my passion.  My then-boyfriend, now-husband and I spent a few years kicking around Montana, Missoula, then Yellowstone National Park, then Bozeman, and then spent some time in Vermont before cracking down on furthering our education and finding a career. I asked for a top of the line backpack rather than an engagement ring, and we spent a good deal of time in the backcountry of the Rockies, as well as spring breaks in the Moab, Utah area.  I believe he enjoyed himself, though he tended to prefer actual comfortable lodging and day hikes to schlepping 30 pounds on his back for days at a time. We both accommodated each other well, and I will admit that curling up in a heated log cabin after a day of hiking or cross country skiing in the frigid air of Montana was often a relief.

After settling down with a full time job, and then, ultimately, starting a family, my ventures into the wilderness have been greatly reduced. I took up geocaching, and have been able to combine this hobby with long hikes, but most of my hikes are within 30 miles from the developed Triangle area, and there are times when I absolutely ache for mountains. Raising a child and paying a mortgage have strained our budgets, and moving all three of us across the country to trek through mountain wilderness is near impossible.

During those first couple of years after our daughter was born, I had this subconscious baggage about having any identity of my own outside motherhood and working. I felt selfish taking any time away from home.  Then, as my daughter became more independent, I had a brief spell of rebellion, and probably took too much time away from home.  Now my daughter is 8, and I am finding that she is an excellent outdoor companion.  We camp often, and I just took her on her first backpacking outing.  She was a delight, and it made my heart soar to watch her in the outdoors.

I am now trying to find a balance between parenthood and allowing myself to accommodate my yearning for rugged adventures.  Unfortunately, my husband is dealing with severe chronic back pain, and cannot tent camp or backpack.  While I am sad that we are limited in what we can do as a family, I am thrilled that my daughter and I can camp and backpack, and frankly, my spouse is probably relieved to have some alone time on occasional weekends to nurse his back.  Eventually, he will most likely require surgery.  I will be there to support him, and I desperately hope that he will heal, as he has lost his quality of life at the moment.

There is one item on my bucket list that is something I have to do alone.  I found an opening for two nights at the Phantom Ranch at the bottom of the Grand Canyon- in January.  While my daughter enjoys hiking, I know her well enough to know that the hike in and out is something that will have to wait a few years.  I also know that my husband can't attempt this now, and this is not something that seems to be on his own bucket list.  I will have to hike in alone, and there will probably be snow and ice for the first mile or two along the trail.  I booked a bunk in a dorm room, as I was fortunate to even find the space- any time of year, but I am experiencing very conflicting feelings about this.   Part of me feels intense guilt for abandoning my family and using some of our resources for 5 days in Arizona.  And, even though neither family member really feels the pull to do this, and I have my husband's support, I know that there is a part of him that is sad that I am going off to have an adventure alone.  Yet, I will be 47 in January, and something this rugged is not going to be any easier the longer I wait. I am not sure if the guilt I am experiencing is associated with being a woman and a mother, or if it is due to my general tendency to sublimate my own needs.  I am struggling to reconcile my need to nurture myself and occasionally reboot in a way that only solitude and nature provides with my desire to be a good mother and wife.

I do think that it is crucial that children see their parents as human beings who have identities and interests above and beyond parenting. I want my daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent woman, and what better way to encourage this than for her to see her mother still taking care of herself and her needs?

I have another trip planned for July, backpacking with a friend in the Smokies. My goal is to have a couple of these trips lined up each year; one close by (and cheap), and perhaps the other out West, where my spirit lives. And, the rest of the year, I will build in outings with my kid, and camping in the pop-up with the whole family, whenever we can work it in.  Taking care of my need for wilderness has helped me feel like a whole person, and feeling like a whole person has helped me to be a happier mother.  So, I encourage all adults, parents or not, to find that thing that gives them passion in life and nurture that, even if it is just an occasional indulgence.

Pining for the Ghosts of Republicans Past...

It's a sad day when a liberal pines for the days of Reagan, Ford, and William F. Buckley, but I find myself missing a time when Republicans were less angry, more articulate and more success-driven.  Though my childhood neighborhood was stuffed full of Republicans, their approach to child raising was almost identical to that of my liberal parents. Kids were encouraged to make good grades, get into the best college possible, and to succeed economically in the world.  We may have quibbled about the government's role in providing equal opportunities for all Americans and our tax structure, but we could carry on a conversation with our neighbors without coming home with the Picard facepalm.

Social media has afforded me the opportunity to check in on the lives of people with whom I had long lost touch, and the transformation of those who identify as staunch conservatives is often startling.  There are several I have observed who were once cheery, happy-go-lucky types who seem to only post conservative rants all day long.  Some of them would express outrage at Obama if he stated that the weather was nice on a given day.  I suppose, as a liberal, I should be disgusted, furious at their posts, but instead, I am saddened.  Some of these folks were the life of the party, and a delight to hang out with.  They were full of life, energy, and hope for the future, and now they seem bitter and far older than I feel.  Many of them always had conservative leanings, but they still were fun people.  Now, they rail at the world and seem as if they are two conservative memes away from having a heart attack.

Back in the 70s and 80s, Republican parents in my area were pushing their children to achieve.  Families celebrated when their kids were accepted to UVA, William and Mary, even the occasional Ivy.  Today, I have actually heard conservative parents discourage their children from attending college at all, due to the "liberal bias" on college campuses. I have seen conservative parents force their children to live in isolated bubbles, as if their children cannot be trusted with exposure to other points of view. I have heard conservative parents forbid their children to take courses that would actually increase their economic viability, simply because of dogmatic political viewpoints.  And that's where the Picard facepalm enters.  Conservatives supposedly embrace low taxes, self-reliance, and the pursuit of wealth.  And yet, many are blocking the opportunity for their children to pursue a path in life that would allow them to be competitive in a tough and global marketplace.  Your children are going to have to rub shoulders with a diverse group of folks when they enter the work world.  They will be exposed to people of all viewpoints, races, sexual orientations, and educational experiences.  If they are raised in a sheltered environment and kept from certain kinds of knowledge, they will be left behind in tomorrow's economic world.   I don't care if they strive to be a cashier at Wal-Mart; they will need to be able to relate well to all types of co-workers and customers, and growing up with seething, angry parents who try to restrict their world view will not prepare them for the changing demographics and workplace of the future.

I have written on this topic before, but a slate of posts on my News Feed in the past week have concerned me even more.  Some of these people are so driven to bash the Obamas for every utterance and action they make that they are now mocking the poor Nigerian schoolgirls who were kidnapped, simply because Michelle Obama posted a sign of support. When your political grudges lead to you making fun of a tragedy, you have crossed the line from conservative to utter, basement dwelling lunacy.  And I am floored that this point is lost on these people.  I am concerned for their state of mind and for the futures of their children.  And I am sad that these people appear to no longer be fun to share a beer with.  I can get along with most anyone, and I count a few Republicans among my friends and beloved family members.  If I cannot sit down and have a reasonable conversation with you, chances are that no one outside your bubble can either.

I am wondering what has happened to all the reasonable Republicans with whom I grew up.  Have they crossed to the dark side?  Are they laying low out of mortification, as their party grows increasingly outrageous and Honey Boo-Booish?  Have they become moderate Democrats?  Or have they just become politically apathetic?  It behooves all Republicans with a brain and a sense of logic to stand up against those who have tainted their party.  I cannot believe that my country club Republican neighbors are thrilled to have frothing, angry, embarrassing spectacles representing them. It is time for these reasonable Republicans to take their party back.  I miss having intellectual debates with the "other side", and I miss being able to affectionately agree to disagree.  And, most of all, I miss seeing some of these old friends from the past find delight and wonder in their lives. I hope that all this ranting on FB is just a release, and that they are truly happy in real life.  I doubt it.

Sadly, I suspect that conservative leaders  who occupy the 1% are pulling strings behind the scenes to manipulate economically marginalized white people in order to whip up their outrage, play on their deep-rooted prejudices, and distract them from acknowledging that they are basically getting screwed in the lottery of American life.  These Republican leaders have skillfully managed to convince these people to vote against their best economic self-interest, and to create an army of angry white people they can point in whatever direction suits the 1%.  For that, I have to credit them with strategic brilliance.  But that also makes them insidious and evil, and at the end, the army of angry white people will be as screwed as everyone else in the 99% as they happily march towards the slaughterhouse.

Bless my own heart...

There was a time when I was slightly ashamed of my Southern heritage and my own mannerisms and customs. As someone who believes strongly in human rights issues, I was mortified by our history of slavery and racism, and as a feminist, the whole "Southern Belle" thing rubbed me the wrong way, especially since I had inadvertently picked up some of these traits myself. The New England half of my family was refreshingly direct, and I believed, for a long time, that blunt honesty was preferable to our often symbolic and passive style of communication.  I noticed during my trips to Vermont the prevalence of women with natural faces, sensible hairstyles, preppy LL Bean wardrobes, and felt embarassed about my love of fashion and my tendency to wear makeup most of the time. I even found myself occasionally apologizing for being Southern.  "Did I just say "Bless her heart"?  Sorry, I'm Southern."

We are who we are and regional differences are delightful and make our country more culturally rich.  And, if we all lose our regional flair, our country will be so much duller for it.  I have already noticed that the younger generations of my North Carolina relatives have lost some of that Downeast accent, and, instead of local owner operated restaurants, everyone is eating at Hardee's and Golden Corral. The young folks are often not learning how to cook the recipes their grandmothers once cooked, and gardens full of okra, field peas, and butter beans are being replaced by the salmon pink tough tomatoes one buys at a chain grocery store.  This actually makes me very sad, as we are rapidly becoming Wal-Martized across America. When I travel, I always want to taste the local cuisine, and, though the larger cities usually have "regional" food restaurants, many small towns have nothing but the same chains I see everywhere else.

I have decided I will no longer apologize for being a woman from the South.  I no longer believe that my cultural attributes are weaknesses.  And though some of these mannerisms appear to contradict my professed feminism, I feel as much a feminist as anyone else, and I am finally at home in my own skin.

Some of my Southernisms:

I rarely leave the house without makeup, even if I am only wearing concealer and foundation with sunscreen.  Even if I am planning to geocache in a swamp all day wearing chest waders, I am going to "put on my face".  Yes, I say "put my face on".

I actually refuse to wear white shoes between Labor Day and Memorial Day.

I believe that etiquette and diplomacy are of the utmost importance.  If I have to confront you about something, I am going to say something positive at the beginning and at the end.  I believe that "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". 

I sometimes find it challenging to communicate with Northerners without getting my feelings bent out of shape.  My upbringing taught me that how you say something is as, if not more important than what you say.  If you come at me with blunt and direct feedback, I feel somewhat intimidated and just shut down.  I often find it difficult to directly confront others, and sometimes keep things to myself to "keep the peace". I am not weak; it's just something pounded into the heads of Southern girls as they grow up. Don't get me wrong- I love my Northern people as much as my Southern people, and half of my heritage is about as far north as one can get without crossing into Canada.  But I grew up in Virginia, and so I absorbed more of the southern communication style.

I will never dress anyone down in front of others.  Never.  I will not disturb an event or gathering with a public tantrum.  I WILL say something one on one, but I was taught that it is incredibly rude to air one's dirty laundry in public. Unless you publicly insult my Mama, Daddy, husband, kid, or friends.  And then, all bets are off.  I can go from diplomat to Mama Bear in about 5 seconds flat.

When someone DOES cause a public disturbance, it is completely awkward and uncomfortable for me, even if I am not involved.  I want to crawl in a hole.  I want to pull the offender aside and give them an Emily Post etiquette book.  And, when it happens, I try to smooth things over with humor and deflection.  I feel it's my responsibility to be "the hostess" at all times.

I often feel that people who invoke "authenticity" and "keeping it real" as an explanation for their overt bluntness are making excuses for being rude.  Say what you need to say, but there is no need to say it in a hurtful manner.

I believe that food should be involved in everything, and is closely tied to fellowship.  I may not be able to ease your grief after a death, but dangit, I can make some cake or potato salad. I believe that a cookie can make a kid forget their boo boos.

I believe that slips and proper lingerie complete an outfit, and I believe that there is a difference between looking "sexy" and looking like you are not fully dressed. And somehow, I can hold these views while still embracing those women who prefer a more androgynous, even butch presentation, and I don't believe in slut shaming.  I don't know how I have been able to do this, but I somehow have.

I believe that women of all sizes can present themselves beautifully, and that size should not be a barrier to finding flattering clothing and feeling fabulous.  This may not seem like a "southern" custom, but have you ever visited a southern church and seen ladies of all sizes with their dresses and hats? I do think we are a bit more forgiving of a little extra padding than some other regions.  We eat fried food all the time; how can we not be?

Hoppin' John, okra, grits, fried chicken, biscuits, BBQ, nana puddin', pork products.  I love them all.

I tend to proceed anything critical with "Bless his or her heart".

It is difficult for me to ask people for help, and when I do, I tend to proceed it with "If it's not too much trouble, would you mind...."

I worry a good bit about offending people.  I take the time, even when writing, to try to frame things diplomatically.  I worry that this blog entry will offend somebody. I'm not worried enough to not post it, but there you go.

While I would like to work a little bit on being comfortable with directly telling people when things they do bother me and on advocating for my needs, I am pretty much at peace with the rest of this.  It's who I am; it's how I was raised, and I have tried to take the best of my heritage and discard that which I don't like. And if you don't like the way I dress, carry myself, or communicate, well... bless your heart...

Ugh at bows and ruffles

My kiddo is about 75% tomboy.  She will wear a dress, perhaps, twice a year.  When she does wear "girl clothes", she favors a rocker/punk girl look, with skinny jeans, a modern blouse or girl's funky t-shirt, and a short shrug on top.  She has her own unique sense of style, and we only interfere when she is dressed completely inappropriately, i.e., too small/tight clothes, shorts in the middle of winter, etc. Each morning, I ask her "boy or girl clothes", and we proceed according to her desires.  Some days, she tells me she wants to change her gender; other days, she says she wants to be more "girly".  I realize it's quite common for girls to wish they were boys; often it's a stage.  If it continues when she reaches adolescence, I may take her to a counselor, if only to work through whatever social issues her gender identity may cause, and to make peace with whomever she is meant to be.

My HUGE pet peeve is that finding clothes that please her is near impossible, at least in our budget. For example, if she needs a pair of tennis shoes, her choices appear to be the pink/lavender/white spectrum, usually with girly trim, OR extremely traditionally masculine colors and styles.  Grown women have a variety of colors and options from which to choose.  Those who prefer a classic, more unisex style can go to LL Bean or Eddie Bauer and find non-girly women's shoes, and how many of us have a ton of basic black shoes? S loves to wear black, and we often have to hunt around a great deal to find items similar to what her mother wears.  I find a pair of what appears to be basic girls' jeans, and they are ruined for S because of pink piping or flowers that appear somewhere.  We then check the boy's section, but the designs are TOO boyish for her, and, frankly, the fit is different.  She has a girl's body, not a boy's.

My own style ranges from girly to punkish/goth to outdoorsy unisex.  But I have options for all of these moods.  I can peruse LL Bean for those New England preppy days, the Gap, Banana Republic, and Old Navy for dressing down while still wearing female silhouettes, and a ton of stores that cater to my love of glam/retro/girly dress-up gear.  But S?   It is a huge headache locating anything that doesn't pigeonhole her into girly girl or drag king boy clothes.  Neither of these are intrinsically wrong- there are a lot of kids who LIKE these items, but there are a lot of kids who fall through the cracks.

Why do we feel the need to pigeonhole kids into girly girl or uber-masculine boy, when, in fact, we don't feel the need to do so for older kids and adults? Are we being prescriptive?  "You are a girl, so you have to wear pink and bows." "You are a boy, so your clothes have to have transportation and space themes." And clothing for toddlers is even worse.  The princess theme was shoved down our throats, and S would have preferred a black t-shirt with aliens to the Trifecta of Disney Princesses.

Gift time is often frustrating.  Though I am grateful for all the gifts we receive,  it is not necessary to purchase pink Legos for my daughter, and sometimes, little girls would rather play with trucks than dolls.  Sometimes, little boys like to play with dolls.  The most egregious example I've seen are a set of twins that are boy/girl.  The girl is constantly presented with PINK everything, while the boy gets the BOY counterpart.  He gets toolsets while she gets jewelry kits, as if the world will fall apart if she picks up the toolset and he picks up the jewelry.  They often get identical gifts, but hers has to be girl colored and his has to be boy colored, as if there is no way they know what gender they are without reminders.  God forbid kids raised this way have gender identification issues.

Again, I am not judgmental of those kids who intrinsically prefer  items that match their gender.  Many girls are naturally girly, and many boys are naturally masculine.  But it shouldn't be so difficult for those on different areas of the gender identity spectrum to find clothes and toys that please them.  There is no reason there can't be lots of jean options for girls that are just plain jeans.  I find myself constantly frustrated.  There are specialty stores that have great clothes my kid would like, but they tend to be higher end, and I don't believe in forking out huge amounts of money on clothes for fast growing children.

Kids are hopefully going to eventually discover their own personal style.  As they begin to buy clothing that fits adults, they can easily find items that suit them.  So, why start them out with this prescriptive "This is how you should be a girl" or "This is how you should be a boy" box?

Almost didn't have the time to write this blog entry...

It occurs to me that one of the phrases I seem to utter the most these days is "I wish I had time to...".  With a one hour commute each way to work, a full 9 hour day, and evenings spent keeping my ADHD-addled 8 year old focused on completing her homework, the laundry often lies in piles around the house, the dishes pile up in the sink, the house looks vaguely like something one sees on a TLC TV show, and free time eludes me.  My respite is our agreed upon "one night off" each week, an hour or so of TV time at night after the kiddo finally falls asleep, and our every other weekend "date night" when the kid sleeps over at her grandmother's house.  Weekends should provide a little down time, but they are often spent catching up on the housework that has piled up all week.  I had some vague notion that adult life would be far more structured and scheduled than my college life, but I had no clue each day would be as taxing as it is,  nor that I would find myself completely unable to stay on top of the very basics.

We have many friends who have a 2 working parent household.  I am sure they are equally exhausted, but their homes do not resemble the chaos of ours, and they seem to have things together.  I want to find a way to ratchet down the disorganization and confusion, but we would probably have to take a week off with the kiddo in a day camp in order to make a dent in the deep cleaning and to create an organizational system that would help us manage the disorientation.  Sometimes, it takes half an hour to locate a pencil to do math homework, or I'm 20 minutes late for work because I cannot locate a single pair of socks.

Given that our friends seem to have at least the appearance of a "system", I am not quite sure what we're doing wrong.  Week to week, we struggle to keep up with the minimum of the laundry and dishes, and the deep, long term projects are shifted to the back burner, where they pile up to an undaunting level.  When we have last-minute company, we shove our debris in garbage bags, where it builds up in the garage.  I purchase items like nail clippers, tweezers, and socks multiple times per year because we cannot seem to find them. I desperately want to win the battle over chaos, but I look around and am so overwhelmed and intimidated that I don't even know where to begin.  When one is only home up until 7:00 am in the morning and after 6:00 pm, dinner needs to be cooked, dishes need to be loaded, and homework needs to be completed, there is no time leftover to tackle the "lower priority" projects, such as filing paperwork, cleaning baseboards, washing windows, and organization of school materials. Yet, others manage.  I can tackle many things that intimidate others, such as flying alone to England to do research in a subject area in which I have no expertise, or collecting degrees, but I cannot seem to get organized. Both my husband and I are cut from the same cloth, as is our daughter, so we all kind of flail about and try to keep our heads above water.

One area of my life that has really suffered lately is my recreational life. My one hobby, geocaching, has taken a backseat over the past 6 months, as I seem to have no time to pursue it. About once a month, I head out on a weekend day to cache with friends, but other than that, I can't squeeze it in, and frankly, my family needs me more. I have friends with kids who manage to get out and cache every weekend, and who seem to be able to take off out of town without their kids frequently.  How they manage this,  I do not know, and I am not willing to treat my marriage as if we are two separated people who trade off the kids constantly so that they can go off and do their own thing.  I think my husband and I lived that way for a couple of years, and it took its toll on the kiddo.  One day she asked me why we didn't do more as a family, and I took her question to heart.  As much as I miss getting together with folks to hunt for Tupperware in the woods, I have seen improvement in my child's behavior since we've started spending our weekends together as a family. Every child is different.  Those folks I know who spend a good deal of time away from their kids may have children who are pretty independent.  My child is not one of those kids. I suspect that, in some cases, the regular absence of a parent takes its toll on the family, but hobbies can become addictive. I assume that, in a few years, she'll hit her adolescent years and will want to be off with her own friends more often.  And, I assume that I'll miss the days when she wanted to spend all her time with me.

For now, I regret that my friendships are somewhat on hold, that I don't have much autonomous time, but I accept that I signed up for family life and a full time job, and things are as they need to be.  What I need to find, though, is a way to control some of the household chaos that causes us all to stress, as we struggle to get out the door in the morning.  I probably spend as much time hunting for lost objects as I would spend to get organized, but I don't even know where to begin.

If we didn't need any more proof that private college tuition is far overpriced...

I read an article today about a Duke University student, "Lauren", who is funding her Duke education through working as an adult film performer.  She is an aspiring law student, and a Republican, and wanted to graduate debt-free.

"Word of her part-time job spread across campus after one of her classmates, Thomas Bagley, recognized her while watching porn, according to an article in The Chronicle, Duke’s student newspaper. “Lauren” confirmed the information when Bagley approached her, and asked him to keep her identity a secret.
Instead, he told others at a fraternity rush event, according to the article.
“The storm began when I came back to school from Christmas break, happy and confident in myself,” she wrote in the op-ed.
She first noticed an uptick in Facebook friend requests. Then a fellow student followed her alter ego on Twitter.
“When I got the notification, my heart stopped,” she wrote."

A few general comments...

First of all, this Thomas Bagley character is clearly a douchebag for revealing her identity when she asked him not to do so.

Second, and this is an aside, I hope this "Lauren" can resolve the fact that the Republican party is generally not noted for progressive attitudes towards women's sexuality and towards the sex industry, period. I can't imagine most Republicans opening their hearth and home to a porn star.

Third, though I support the rights of sex workers and have no issues with people making porn, I think it's naive for anyone in this industry to have any expectation of privacy. There is a reason that performing in the porn industry pays so well- there is a known risk of STDs, and there is a general stigma in society against it.  Were porn work considered a respectable profession, undoubtedly, it wouldn't pay as well.  Heck, most of us enjoy sex, and it has to be more pleasant work than flipping burgers.  In a world with no judgment, most of us would rather make our money doing something we already enjoy doing than we would, say, grave digging or scrubbing toilets.  If she is going to reap the financial benefits that come from performing in the sex industry, she needs to own her decision and accept the risk of discovery.  If a friend had an opportunity to become a porn star and asked for my advice, I'd ask her the following.  Can you think of a situation, either present or future, when you might not want the general public to know you had sex in front of a camera? Can you live with the probability that you'll be outed, now, or perhaps even 20, 30 years down the road?  How would you feel if your secret stayed locked away for years, but any potential children you might have might learn from school friends that their mother did a film called "Anal Annie Get Your Gun"?  If you are comfortable with all of this, by all means, proceed.  If there's even one tiny part of you that might be embarassed or ashamed, or if this could affect whatever future career you are seeking, then, for goodness sakes, don't do it.  Nothing stays secret in the internet age.  There are some who are comfortable living on the edge and live loud and proud.  These are the people who should be filming porn.  If you're a sex positive activist- if you intend to raise any children you may have in an open, sexually free home environment without shame or regret, you are a good candidate for porn.  If you have no intention of ever having a career that discriminates against sex workers, you are a good candidate for porn.  Someone who is saving money to open their own tattoo studio? Awesome.  Someone who is working towards being a district attorney, a pediatrician, or a kindergarten teacher?  Not so much.  I don't write the rules, I just live in the real world.

I give "Lauren" a pass here because she's very young.  I don't think I fully thought through the consequences of my life decisions until I neared 30. And I feel bad for her that she was outed.  She should not be harassed by the other students, though I fear that she'll be treated with a lack of respect from here on out. I understand why she wouldn't want that information out there.  But I hope this experience has taught her that one cannot make porn and have any expectation of anonymity.  And if she can make peace with that, by all means, get out there and make porn.  Otherwise, there are other employment options out there, but the "safer" jobs are not going to pay as much or offer the option to graduate debt-free. Or, heck, she can transfer to that public university down the road, which offers an excellent education. It's all about choices.

Who rules the roost?

For some reason that has nothing to do with my own life, I've lately been pondering whether parents should make all of their life decisions based on child-centered criteria, or if they should make decisions based on what they, the parents, want and need, and have a parent-centered family.  I'm not talking about spoiling your child, letting him or her run the household, or dictate purchases "Mummy, I want a pony!" I'm talking about big issues, such as divorce, when it's just a matter of vague dissatisfaction, choice of mate, if divorced, major relocation decisions that are based on anything other than absolute necessity, and other big life adult decisions that can affect children.

In times past, parents ruled the roost, and the kids were expected to suck it up and adjust.  Children were not consulted, and often not considered when parents made major life decisions.  This reached an extreme for those of us in Generation X, who saw parents divorcing because they just didn't feel the passion any more, or they just needed to find themselves, or their sex lives weren't fabulous.  I saw children of divorce whose custodial parent would just take off and move out of state for a better job opportunity or for a change of scenery, and the child was then effectively cut off from their other parent. 

Baby boomers began a shift to a child-centered family, and, of course, we now hear constantly about "helicoptered" and pampered kids who often have difficulty severing the umbilical cord and thinking independently.  I reject the idea that the kids should be in charge of the main family decisions, but I also reject the idea that parents need to seek some vague need for fulfillment at all costs.

I tend to see divorce as something that should be reserved for cases where the children are better off with two parents living separately than together. Violence, rampant infidelities, conditions that are so bad that the kids feel the effects of the marital misery, would all be valid reasons to sever a marriage.  There are cases where parents divorce because they have an unrealistic expectation of what a long term marriage will feel like.  They lose their little flutters, and meet someone else who makes them tingle and spark, and off they go.  If there is a good, solid partnership between the parents, and they both genuinely LIKE each other, I believe they should fight tooth and nail to save their marriage and put off the "butterflies" until the kids have left home.  I especially believe this in cases where the parents delayed marriage. Sorry, but if you married at 35, you had plenty of years to begin and end relationships as you pleased.  You can just suck it up for the sake of your kids and make it work, unless your children are traumatized by the atmosphere at home.  Marriage can be excruciatingly hard, but those of us who are married signed up for it and had children under the assuption that we would give our kids a stable, two parent family.  I make some exceptions, of course.  If there is violence in the home, the marriage should be ended immediately.  If one of the partners is heartbroken because they are married to a serial cheater, then it's time to separate.  If the couple can navigate an implictly or explicitly open marriage, more power to them.  But a partner who is devastated by constant infidelity and deception is not likely to be able to parent with a full deck, and that tension will rub off on the kids.  And if one or both parents are so miserable at home that they have essentially checked out, and counseling doesn't help, then I think the kids are better off with divorce.

I wonder often about divorced parents entering the dating field.  Should a parent keep seeing someone that their children abhor? Should they marry someone their children abhor?  Should they even be introducing their children to a new romantic interest until it is looking very serious? To be perfectly honest, were I divorced, I'd probably date discreetly and keep my child out of it until the partner looked like marriage material.  I would not mention anything about dating, nor would I introduce the two.  Children get attached to adults, and how do children feel when they continually bond to partners that then disappear? Would I drop someone that my daughter didn't like?  If she absolutely could not stand a potential mate,  I would not want to deal with the stress that would ensue; nor would I think it fair to subject my daughter to pure misery living in a home with someone she despised.  She comes first, period.  If she tended to not like ANY potential mates?  We'd need to seek counseling, because I'm not sure that is a level of sacrifice that a child should ask a parent to make.

Some people seem to think that giving children a say about your major life choices is inappropriate, and ends up spoiling them.   I would say that I hope I will always give my child a voice- to take her opinion into account, but I would make the final decision, and I would try to always make decisions that were responsible and best for her.