Monkeys off backs and such...

I woke up recently to realize that a bad habit I have struggled with for some time had just abated. The urge to engage in this unhealthy behavior had been waning gradually, so subtly that I didn't notice until it was gone. It has been a behavior that I have stopped repeatedly, but the urge remained as a dull, aching impulse, barely beneath the surface, and I knew each time that I would be led again into unhealthy behavior that didn't represent the person I want to be. It doesn't matter what it was- whether a substance, a series of actions, or a person. What matters is that I no longer find this bad habit appealing or attractive, and it no longer suits me or my life.  The final push came from circumstances that were beyond my control, but these circumstances formed the catalyst I needed to make the final break.

Though I feel a sense of inner peace to have hurled this monkey from my back, I also feel a small sense of loss. A bad habit can be as comfortable as a warm blankie. The daily pull, the sadness that underlies an addiction becomes a trusted and familiar friend.  The need for what is toxic consumes you and informs your day to day decision making. Now that this dubious friend has flown the coop, I find myself scrambling to fill that space. I think that, as I have been pulling away, food has served that purpose. Since I don't want to substitute one bad habit for another, I am trying to fill that space with positive energy. 

I have also recently liberated myself from trying to please everyone else. I am adamantly being myself. I post what I want on FB; I say what I want to my friends and family (barring being rude or insensitive), I feel free to be sincere at times and cast off the impulse to be a perennial smartass who takes nothing seriously. I no longer worry about being mocked or heckled. I am happy with the person that I am, and people can feel free to move on if they don't find what I have to say appealing.  I no longer choose my words to impress anyone. I have an innate ability to unconsciously reinvent myself to match the tone and personality of others, and I'm done with that. I believe that the liberation from my bad habit is linked to my newly found desire to be authentic, because, the more the former has increased, so has the latter. 

Some of my new found peace stems from beginning a new job where I feel engaged and intellectually stimulated. As I throw more energy into my job, I find I have less for extraneous things that once seemed important.  And since I have 2 hours of commuting time each day, I find myself focusing more on my family and my marriage, out of necessity. I judiciously dole out what time and energy is left over.

I suppose that I could berate myself for engaging in unhealthy behavior as long as I have, but I don't see the purpose of doing so. My life experiences are part of the rich tapestry of human behavior, and I feel more alive for having experienced the highs and the lows. And I am at peace knowing that I have been accountable to those in my life to whom I need to be.