on aging...

Lately, I have been thinking about the fact that I am now "middle-aged" and am, like everyone else, starting the aging process.  I tried this morning, during my commute, to tease out what aging means to me, how I feel about being middle-aged, and what kind of older person I'd like to be.

The common wisdom is that women tend to take aging hard.  They desperately try to hang on to their youth, they invest a fortune in "anti-aging" skin products, they fret about the effects of gravity, and those who are well off rush off to have "work" done.  Frankly, I see my peers aging gracefully and not dwelling on their age, and I, personally, have not felt any pulls of desperation. In fact, I don't feel particularly perturbed at all that I am 46 years old.  I don't know what 46 is supposed to feel like, but I physically feel better than I did in my early 30s.  I can hike to the top of a mountain now, while, 10 years ago, I was struggling to climb a few flights of stairs.  I have more patience than I did 10 years ago, and I actually like the changes I have made to the way in which I present myself.  I no longer dress for "shock" value or follow trends for the sake of doing so; I choose clothing that I feel flatters me and that can be worn in a variety of settings.  I think my youthful attitude comes from having had a child at an "advanced maternal age".  I am dealing with 8 year old problems, and only had my first real professional, career-track position at the age of 30, so my maturity and growth was delayed by a number of years.  That means that my life pace is more on par with the average 30 something year old than it is with most people my own age.  I guess that also means that I had a lot more "immature" years.

There are both advantages and disadvantages to starting careers and having children later in life.  I had no idea what I wanted in life at 22; and had I started having children or started a career back then, I don't think I would have excelled at either.  Woe be to to the child that would have had 22 year old me as a mother. And, had I settled on a career right out of college, I would have missed out on the incredible experiences I had in my 20s, as I explored different options and kicked around as a cliched Gen-X slacker, choosing jobs and settings based on the incredible places in which I chose to live.  The 37 year old I was when my daughter was born was more mature, certainly more economically viable, and more patient. HOWEVER...  My friends who are now becoming empty nesters have a level of freedom that I don't have.  They have paid their dues, and are now traveling and seeing the world as a more affluent person than I was when I had my freedom.  My adventures were extremely low budget, and there were times that I found myself in perilous economic situations.  Also, my child is incredibly energetic, and I am often tired, when 22 year old me would have had no problem keeping up with my kid.  Some of my friends who started raising children early were probably a bit envious at times of the freedom I had in my twenties; now I am occasionally envious of their newly found freedom.  I also worry about that fact that my only child will be younger when her parents are aging, and she definitely will lose her grandparents earlier than many of her peers. I don't want my daughter to feel responsible for nursing her aging parents when she is at the age where she should be focusing on a career, or on raising a family, or both. I feel sometimes that I have given her a raw deal by bringing her into this world with a mother who was almost 38.  But, every situation has pros and cons, and I cannot hyperfocus on the wisdom of the choices I made.  I simply was not ready for parenthood until my mid to late 30s, and that's just the way it is.

In terms of worrying about my attractiveness as I age, I really don't. I don't feel jealous of beautiful young women with their entire lives ahead of them.  I already had my turn as a young woman, had all those advantages, and it's time now to pass the torch.  Age is the great equalizer.  I also don't believe that beauty is limited to the young.  Beauty exists at every age, and the older we become, the more inner beauty becomes more relevant. I feel more confident in my own skin than I did when I was young, and sometimes, confidence only comes with age and wisdom.  Yes, there are men who dump their aging wives for younger, more pliable, more attractive women, but, trust me, if you have one of those, you're better off without them. There are plenty of men who aren't seeking to replace the old with the new, and my husband, thankfully, doesn't appear to be looking for a trophy wife.

A lot of older women report that, as they age, they feel increasingly invisible.  People often don't listen to them as they speak, and look right through them.  This is probably the most troublesome, and actually, infuriating worry of mine. I loathe sexism, ageism, any "ism", really, and this is a particularly difficult problem to fight, as it is mostly a subconscious response.  So many cultures revere the elderly and respect their wisdom.  Here, we mostly want them to become invisible.  They remind us of death, and western cultures do NOT like being reminded of death. And I probably think about death more than average.  Blame my past as a goth; we're somewhat morbid.

In any case, I am not really fretting the fact that I am getting older.  Each stage brings with it new triumphs and new challenges, and I am enjoying the person I am becoming.  There's no getting around aging, unless you die young, so one might as well accept it with dignity and grace.