rambly fitness musings

This weekend, I had a fabulous trip on the VA Creeper Trail with about 18 other folks.  The shuttle took us to the top of Whitetop Mountain, and we coasted downhill for about 17 miles to Damascus.  The bike ride is great for people of all fitness levels, and I expected it to be a breeze, but we hit a couple of caches that required some climbing.  One had me stumbling through thick groves of stinging nettles, ouch, and another was about an hour scrambling up and down steep slopes to haul myself up to a waterfall.  Now, I know I have some extra weight on me, but I usually feel fairly fit for a woman my age.  I hike and backpack, and I go up and down 11 1/2 flights of stairs at least twice a day at work, often adding a brisk walk on top of that.  But I found myself frequently out of breath and about 5 minutes behind the two youngest people in our party; a 24 year old and a 12 year old.  It became very, very evident that I have to step up the training if I expect to do the Grand Canyon in January.  As I am going alone, it is very important for me to be in the best possible shape I can be.

To that end, I have to take off about 2 pounds a week until I reach no more than 150 pounds, and really step up the fitness level.  I'm starting to get nervous about my ability to do this, and I would be foolish to show up at 8,000 feet at the Grand Canyon Rim out of shape. 

Weight Watchers was really helpful to me, in terms of taking off the bulk of my extra weight, but it really requires a lot more counting and tracking than I have time to do, and I just can't afford the monthly fees.  I tried low carb, and found myself 20 pounds heavier.  So, I need a system that will be easy for a busy working Mom to keep up with, but isn't a complete free-for-all. Low carb, at least the version I followed, had very little structure, and I managed to cram in a lot of calories and fatty foods, and, despite what some people say, some of us are still sensitive to calories, period. This will require all of my willpower and motivation, and will also require, sigh, another investment of a new wardrobe when I am finished. I am wearing size 12 now, and I have a decent newish size 10 wardrobe packed away ready to activate, but below that, I have nothing.  I'm also not sure I'm ready, psychologically, to not be overweight.  On some level, the extra padding has provided some psychological comfort, and I may want to talk to a professional for a few sessions to troubleshoot how to handle being considered "not overweight", as bizarre as that sounds.  But, this time, the motivation is here, because any misstep on that trail could be potentially life threatening.

I may be one of these people that has to string a regular series of intense physical challenges to keep me motivated to be fit.  Obviously, having what some call a " bikini body" (and I saw a fabulous meme on FB that stated that we all have bikini bodies if we have a. a bikini, and b. a body) is not compelling enough to get me out of the Nutella jar.  There is some stubborn, resistant part of my psyche that believes losing weight means I no longer accept Body Positivity, and am, therefore, less of a feminist.  On the surface, this is a completely false dichotomy.  Wanting to live longer and feel vital and able to tackle physical challenges does not negate my feminism.  Why would I not want to have the ability to backpack and hike the Grand Canyon?  How am I a better feminist if I am winded climbing a flight of stairs?  Yet, despite the fact that I know this intellectually, I apparently have a metric ton of emotional baggage to unpack.  I wish there was a magic button I could press that would keep me from overthinking everything and would allow me to act within my best self-interest on matters of health.

Today, during my lunch hour, I chugged up and down 11 1/2 flights of stairs in the library 4 times, and still had time to dash out this blog entry.  For the younger people with whom I cached this weekend, this would have been effortless.  It was not effortless for me, but I completed this mission without too much trouble.  I'm 46.  I will never be 12 or 24 or even 35 again.  I have to measure my successes against the person I can be and not against some unachievable ideal.  But if 70 year olds can hike the AT and do the Grand Canyon, there is hope for me yet...