Almost didn't have the time to write this blog entry...

It occurs to me that one of the phrases I seem to utter the most these days is "I wish I had time to...".  With a one hour commute each way to work, a full 9 hour day, and evenings spent keeping my ADHD-addled 8 year old focused on completing her homework, the laundry often lies in piles around the house, the dishes pile up in the sink, the house looks vaguely like something one sees on a TLC TV show, and free time eludes me.  My respite is our agreed upon "one night off" each week, an hour or so of TV time at night after the kiddo finally falls asleep, and our every other weekend "date night" when the kid sleeps over at her grandmother's house.  Weekends should provide a little down time, but they are often spent catching up on the housework that has piled up all week.  I had some vague notion that adult life would be far more structured and scheduled than my college life, but I had no clue each day would be as taxing as it is,  nor that I would find myself completely unable to stay on top of the very basics.

We have many friends who have a 2 working parent household.  I am sure they are equally exhausted, but their homes do not resemble the chaos of ours, and they seem to have things together.  I want to find a way to ratchet down the disorganization and confusion, but we would probably have to take a week off with the kiddo in a day camp in order to make a dent in the deep cleaning and to create an organizational system that would help us manage the disorientation.  Sometimes, it takes half an hour to locate a pencil to do math homework, or I'm 20 minutes late for work because I cannot locate a single pair of socks.

Given that our friends seem to have at least the appearance of a "system", I am not quite sure what we're doing wrong.  Week to week, we struggle to keep up with the minimum of the laundry and dishes, and the deep, long term projects are shifted to the back burner, where they pile up to an undaunting level.  When we have last-minute company, we shove our debris in garbage bags, where it builds up in the garage.  I purchase items like nail clippers, tweezers, and socks multiple times per year because we cannot seem to find them. I desperately want to win the battle over chaos, but I look around and am so overwhelmed and intimidated that I don't even know where to begin.  When one is only home up until 7:00 am in the morning and after 6:00 pm, dinner needs to be cooked, dishes need to be loaded, and homework needs to be completed, there is no time leftover to tackle the "lower priority" projects, such as filing paperwork, cleaning baseboards, washing windows, and organization of school materials. Yet, others manage.  I can tackle many things that intimidate others, such as flying alone to England to do research in a subject area in which I have no expertise, or collecting degrees, but I cannot seem to get organized. Both my husband and I are cut from the same cloth, as is our daughter, so we all kind of flail about and try to keep our heads above water.

One area of my life that has really suffered lately is my recreational life. My one hobby, geocaching, has taken a backseat over the past 6 months, as I seem to have no time to pursue it. About once a month, I head out on a weekend day to cache with friends, but other than that, I can't squeeze it in, and frankly, my family needs me more. I have friends with kids who manage to get out and cache every weekend, and who seem to be able to take off out of town without their kids frequently.  How they manage this,  I do not know, and I am not willing to treat my marriage as if we are two separated people who trade off the kids constantly so that they can go off and do their own thing.  I think my husband and I lived that way for a couple of years, and it took its toll on the kiddo.  One day she asked me why we didn't do more as a family, and I took her question to heart.  As much as I miss getting together with folks to hunt for Tupperware in the woods, I have seen improvement in my child's behavior since we've started spending our weekends together as a family. Every child is different.  Those folks I know who spend a good deal of time away from their kids may have children who are pretty independent.  My child is not one of those kids. I suspect that, in some cases, the regular absence of a parent takes its toll on the family, but hobbies can become addictive. I assume that, in a few years, she'll hit her adolescent years and will want to be off with her own friends more often.  And, I assume that I'll miss the days when she wanted to spend all her time with me.

For now, I regret that my friendships are somewhat on hold, that I don't have much autonomous time, but I accept that I signed up for family life and a full time job, and things are as they need to be.  What I need to find, though, is a way to control some of the household chaos that causes us all to stress, as we struggle to get out the door in the morning.  I probably spend as much time hunting for lost objects as I would spend to get organized, but I don't even know where to begin.

If we didn't need any more proof that private college tuition is far overpriced...

I read an article today about a Duke University student, "Lauren", who is funding her Duke education through working as an adult film performer.  She is an aspiring law student, and a Republican, and wanted to graduate debt-free.

"Word of her part-time job spread across campus after one of her classmates, Thomas Bagley, recognized her while watching porn, according to an article in The Chronicle, Duke’s student newspaper. “Lauren” confirmed the information when Bagley approached her, and asked him to keep her identity a secret.
Instead, he told others at a fraternity rush event, according to the article.
“The storm began when I came back to school from Christmas break, happy and confident in myself,” she wrote in the op-ed.
She first noticed an uptick in Facebook friend requests. Then a fellow student followed her alter ego on Twitter.
“When I got the notification, my heart stopped,” she wrote."

A few general comments...

First of all, this Thomas Bagley character is clearly a douchebag for revealing her identity when she asked him not to do so.

Second, and this is an aside, I hope this "Lauren" can resolve the fact that the Republican party is generally not noted for progressive attitudes towards women's sexuality and towards the sex industry, period. I can't imagine most Republicans opening their hearth and home to a porn star.

Third, though I support the rights of sex workers and have no issues with people making porn, I think it's naive for anyone in this industry to have any expectation of privacy. There is a reason that performing in the porn industry pays so well- there is a known risk of STDs, and there is a general stigma in society against it.  Were porn work considered a respectable profession, undoubtedly, it wouldn't pay as well.  Heck, most of us enjoy sex, and it has to be more pleasant work than flipping burgers.  In a world with no judgment, most of us would rather make our money doing something we already enjoy doing than we would, say, grave digging or scrubbing toilets.  If she is going to reap the financial benefits that come from performing in the sex industry, she needs to own her decision and accept the risk of discovery.  If a friend had an opportunity to become a porn star and asked for my advice, I'd ask her the following.  Can you think of a situation, either present or future, when you might not want the general public to know you had sex in front of a camera? Can you live with the probability that you'll be outed, now, or perhaps even 20, 30 years down the road?  How would you feel if your secret stayed locked away for years, but any potential children you might have might learn from school friends that their mother did a film called "Anal Annie Get Your Gun"?  If you are comfortable with all of this, by all means, proceed.  If there's even one tiny part of you that might be embarassed or ashamed, or if this could affect whatever future career you are seeking, then, for goodness sakes, don't do it.  Nothing stays secret in the internet age.  There are some who are comfortable living on the edge and live loud and proud.  These are the people who should be filming porn.  If you're a sex positive activist- if you intend to raise any children you may have in an open, sexually free home environment without shame or regret, you are a good candidate for porn.  If you have no intention of ever having a career that discriminates against sex workers, you are a good candidate for porn.  Someone who is saving money to open their own tattoo studio? Awesome.  Someone who is working towards being a district attorney, a pediatrician, or a kindergarten teacher?  Not so much.  I don't write the rules, I just live in the real world.

I give "Lauren" a pass here because she's very young.  I don't think I fully thought through the consequences of my life decisions until I neared 30. And I feel bad for her that she was outed.  She should not be harassed by the other students, though I fear that she'll be treated with a lack of respect from here on out. I understand why she wouldn't want that information out there.  But I hope this experience has taught her that one cannot make porn and have any expectation of anonymity.  And if she can make peace with that, by all means, get out there and make porn.  Otherwise, there are other employment options out there, but the "safer" jobs are not going to pay as much or offer the option to graduate debt-free. Or, heck, she can transfer to that public university down the road, which offers an excellent education. It's all about choices.

Who rules the roost?

For some reason that has nothing to do with my own life, I've lately been pondering whether parents should make all of their life decisions based on child-centered criteria, or if they should make decisions based on what they, the parents, want and need, and have a parent-centered family.  I'm not talking about spoiling your child, letting him or her run the household, or dictate purchases "Mummy, I want a pony!" I'm talking about big issues, such as divorce, when it's just a matter of vague dissatisfaction, choice of mate, if divorced, major relocation decisions that are based on anything other than absolute necessity, and other big life adult decisions that can affect children.

In times past, parents ruled the roost, and the kids were expected to suck it up and adjust.  Children were not consulted, and often not considered when parents made major life decisions.  This reached an extreme for those of us in Generation X, who saw parents divorcing because they just didn't feel the passion any more, or they just needed to find themselves, or their sex lives weren't fabulous.  I saw children of divorce whose custodial parent would just take off and move out of state for a better job opportunity or for a change of scenery, and the child was then effectively cut off from their other parent. 

Baby boomers began a shift to a child-centered family, and, of course, we now hear constantly about "helicoptered" and pampered kids who often have difficulty severing the umbilical cord and thinking independently.  I reject the idea that the kids should be in charge of the main family decisions, but I also reject the idea that parents need to seek some vague need for fulfillment at all costs.

I tend to see divorce as something that should be reserved for cases where the children are better off with two parents living separately than together. Violence, rampant infidelities, conditions that are so bad that the kids feel the effects of the marital misery, would all be valid reasons to sever a marriage.  There are cases where parents divorce because they have an unrealistic expectation of what a long term marriage will feel like.  They lose their little flutters, and meet someone else who makes them tingle and spark, and off they go.  If there is a good, solid partnership between the parents, and they both genuinely LIKE each other, I believe they should fight tooth and nail to save their marriage and put off the "butterflies" until the kids have left home.  I especially believe this in cases where the parents delayed marriage. Sorry, but if you married at 35, you had plenty of years to begin and end relationships as you pleased.  You can just suck it up for the sake of your kids and make it work, unless your children are traumatized by the atmosphere at home.  Marriage can be excruciatingly hard, but those of us who are married signed up for it and had children under the assuption that we would give our kids a stable, two parent family.  I make some exceptions, of course.  If there is violence in the home, the marriage should be ended immediately.  If one of the partners is heartbroken because they are married to a serial cheater, then it's time to separate.  If the couple can navigate an implictly or explicitly open marriage, more power to them.  But a partner who is devastated by constant infidelity and deception is not likely to be able to parent with a full deck, and that tension will rub off on the kids.  And if one or both parents are so miserable at home that they have essentially checked out, and counseling doesn't help, then I think the kids are better off with divorce.

I wonder often about divorced parents entering the dating field.  Should a parent keep seeing someone that their children abhor? Should they marry someone their children abhor?  Should they even be introducing their children to a new romantic interest until it is looking very serious? To be perfectly honest, were I divorced, I'd probably date discreetly and keep my child out of it until the partner looked like marriage material.  I would not mention anything about dating, nor would I introduce the two.  Children get attached to adults, and how do children feel when they continually bond to partners that then disappear? Would I drop someone that my daughter didn't like?  If she absolutely could not stand a potential mate,  I would not want to deal with the stress that would ensue; nor would I think it fair to subject my daughter to pure misery living in a home with someone she despised.  She comes first, period.  If she tended to not like ANY potential mates?  We'd need to seek counseling, because I'm not sure that is a level of sacrifice that a child should ask a parent to make.

Some people seem to think that giving children a say about your major life choices is inappropriate, and ends up spoiling them.   I would say that I hope I will always give my child a voice- to take her opinion into account, but I would make the final decision, and I would try to always make decisions that were responsible and best for her.

When worlds collide... To post, or not to post?

When I first joined Facebook in 2007, my friends list was rather small.  Though I wasn't an "early" adopter, the "old folks" had not yet discovered Facebook, and most people I knew were still heavily using Myspace and perfecting fake names, the duck-faced selfie, and using lime green fonts over yellow backgrounds.  As more people from my present and past joined, there was a constant flurry of friend requests.  Old high school buddies, college buddies, professional associates, and, eventually, my older relatives became friends.  I am one to always keep people compartmentalized.  I like my worlds to NOT collide, thank you very much. It's not that I am phony to any group of people. I never present a side of me that isn't authentic.  But my recreational self communicates a little differently than my professional self, as well as the part of me that communicates with aunts and uncles.  Context is everything.  The kinds of links that my old, often delightfully skewed high school and college friends would find hilarious might evoke crickets or even raised eyebrows from my parents or from people with whom I serve on professional committees.  And posts about my profession will just cause my outside work friends to yawn.  Additionally, I have some passionate political causes that probably make some of my more conservative relatives gnash their teeth.  I don't apologize for my beliefs, but I have no desire to create rifts with people about whom I care deeply.

There are workarounds for this, of course.  One can create an endless number of groups and exclude this group and that group from various and sundry posts, but I hate having to think every time I post as to whom might be offended by what.  It's exhausting, and it has made my Facebook life a bit of a drag.  I feel that I have to constantly censor myself.

In the beginning, I didn't turn down anyone's friend requests.  I was new to Facebook, and I didn't really think through the implications of having people from so many areas in my life all thrown into one big stew.

I know some people who have had to deal with the fallout of having bosses and co-workers see some of their posts.  One friend was called on the carpet after posting some not-so-glowing things about her job and co-workers.  Her boss had been handed a printout anonymously.  While I am adamant about never complaining about work on FB, she tends to be an open book and had whittled many co-workers from her friends list already.  Whomever handed over her post was someone she apparently trusted. I've had other friends who have had fallouts with relatives and close friends over politics.  At some point, I fear my FB activity may be limited to results to quizzes such as "Which Barney character are you?" and pictures of cute kittehs. This makes me a little sad, as I have rebuilt many friendships with people with whom I had lost touch, and have enjoyed interacting with a diverse group of friends for 6 years now.

I am aware that many people now have a blanket policy of not friending co-workers.  I started a new job in August, and thought a good bit about how I would approach the "Facebook dilemma" in a new position. I decided that I would let people decide whether or not they wanted to shoot me friend requests.  As they come in, I accept these requests, but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by forcing them to have to tell me they just don't friend co-workers.  Additionally, my position is tenure track, and involves a significant amount of peer review. I am a wee bit hesitant for someone who is called upon to review my effectiveness to have seen pictures of me drinking a beer at a caching event where a couple of the guys are randomly sporting tutus.  As I have accepted my co-workers friend requests, more people with whom I work will stumble onto my profile.  If they want to extend an invite, that's great, but I am just going to allow this to work itself out organically.  Because I don't trash my workplace, over-emote, or use "colorful language" on Facebook, there really isn't anything  I post that is truly damaging.  I guess I am beginning to adjust to the fact that all of our worlds collide in the 21st century.  I am learning to present a public face that is appropriate for all areas of my life.  There is always FB Messenger, gchat, and e-mail for having private conversations, and drama does NOT belong on social media anyway. Just because something passes through my head does not mean it needs to be posted for the world to see. 

I still refuse to keep politics off Facebook.  My belief system is part of who I am, and I believe I need to publicly stand for what I believe is right. I support basic human rights for all, and can get pretty worked up over gender equality, sexual orientation equality, and compassionate treatment for the poor. Luckily, I work in a profession that is predominantly made up of progressives, and I've finally decided that if conservative friends and relatives cannot accept me for who I am, I don't need to have them in my lives.  They certainly tend to not tone their beliefs down, and I have always been able to find things I share in common with people, rather than to focus on our differences. 

The one thing I cannot control is what others post on my wall.  I could lock it down, but I would miss so much in the process.  Sometimes, people post graphics with which I essentially agree, but that contain words that would be offensive to people like my parents. I wish people could understand the importance of context.  I may use the "F" word around my friends and a few of my family members, but it is not part of my work vocabulary, nor do I use it at family reunions.  I have started deleting any wall posts that I think might cause me problems.  I don't need co-workers bumping into overtly sexual content or potentially offensive language on my wall. I will usually message the person who made the post in question and say, "I love ya, and I thought it was hilarious, but I had to delete it. I just have too many people as FB friends who might take offense."

So, I have this constant struggle of deciding whether "to friend or not to friend" and how authentic and open I want to be on social media. I know it's an extreme "First World Problem", but we're all grappling with this right now.  What we post takes on a life of its own.  People have been fired for their FB posts, and sometimes, posts go viral.  There is no such thing as "privacy" on the Internet. I have seen friends take posts from other friends and send them to people who are not friends of the original poster.  Don't think that anything you post online will remain secret.  Use your brain and post sensibly.

Sunday adventure- no devices

This weekend, my 8 year old daughter surprised me by stepping away from Minecraft, taking my hand, and asking me if I would go explore with her in the woods. I have been trying to get all of us to put our ever-present devices down for months, and I have sorely missed the adventures we used to have more frequently before she discovered games and before my husband and I stared at our phones so often.  I was feeling a little lazy and unfocused, and at first, I balked. I confess that, at times, I am so worn out at the end of the week that I take the path of least resistance.  But, I knew I couldn't let her down, and I put on my hiking clothes and set out with her.  My husband came along, but stayed near the house and focused on trail clearing so that we could have some Mommy/daughter bonding time.

Our home is on 2 acres in a wooded setting. Behind the house, behind our land, are hundreds of uncleared, undeveloped acres.  If you traverse this land out to the main road and cross it, there are probably at least a thousand more acres of woods.  There is a good deal of land in our part of the county that does not perc, and, given we have no city water, the land cannot be developed.  I could probably construct a 5 mile hike that only crosses our small road once, though most of this hike would be bushwhacking.  In fact, I have been disoriented and lost more than a couple of times, once approaching dusk.  I almost cried with relief when I finally saw a road in the distance. This time, given that I had an 8 year old in tow, I stuffed my phone in my pocket.  I figured that the GPS and maps function on my phone would be a safe last resort.  We followed the trail system that my husband and other neighbors have created, and soon stepped off into a deep grove of hardwood trees, followed by piney scrub. My daughter brought along her binoculars, and we occasionally sat on logs and looked for birds.  There were several climbing trees, and we both challenged ourselves by scaling them.  We found small quartz rocks and slipped some into our backpacks.

I asked her, "How would you like to get lost and try to find our way out?" She was thrilled by the prospect of being lost explorers.  I decided to not let her know I had GPS technology tucked away.  We forged on, deeper into the woods, far away from the trail system.  We crossed several streams. Occasionally, I could hear the sound of a car in the distance, but as we pushed further into undeveloped land, these sounds became faint and muffled.

We rested on a fallen log. I slipped a package of cheese crackers into her hand.  Crumbs spilled for the birds.  After another half hour, we reached the end of Hawk Ridge Road.  We crossed the road and entered the woods on the other side.  The trees grew larger, the streams wider, the thorns sharper.  I knew that, eventually, if we walked roughly parallel to the road that approaches our neighborhood, we'd bump into my mother's property in another half mile or so. It must have taken 45 minutes to bushwhack through that half mile, and we both had thorn cuts when we saw her backyard fence in the distance.  We walked through the back gate and let ourselves in.  I called my husband, who had no idea why we had been gone so long, and he drove over to pick us up.  We returned home, made hot chocolate and snacks, and snuggled on the sofa.  She asked me, "Aren't you glad we put our devices down and went on an adventure?"  I gave her a hug and a kiss and put my feet up, as she rested her head on my shoulder.