This too, shall pass.

This is day 2 of Hell.  Life without nicotine.

I quit smoking years ago, and picked it back up during the tail end of 2010, when my life was in a bit of a tailspin.  Trust me- someone who works in academia who smokes is the Fodder of Gossip, and I desperately tried to be closeted in most of my social circles.  However, the smell of smoke is impossible to hide, and it was an open secret.  My kid, certainly, was not ever allowed to see me smoke, and she was still too young to know what that smell was.  Two and a half years ago, a friend introduced me to vaping, and I was in utter glee.  Less toxic, a variety of tasty flavors, and no stench of smoke following me around.  My intention was to slowly wean myself from 18 mg of nicotine down to 0, and then quit.  That somehow never happened.  I am passionately and hopelessly sensitive to nicotine addiction.  I pretty much chain vaped, and when I was somewhere I couldn't vape, I chewed on Nicorette gum nonstop. Some nights, I go to sleep with Nicorette in my mouth so that I keep nicotine in my system. 

Today is Monday.  On Saturday, I will be hiking to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and climbing out 2 days later. I had fully intended to give up the nicotine habit well before I stepped on the airplane to Phoenix.  However, I procrastinated.  Saturday night, I handed my e-cig to my husband and asked him to hide it for me.  Eventually, I'd like to hand it off to someone else trying to quit smoking, but for now, I cannot know where it is.  I also threw out all my Nicorette gum.

I know I have done cold turkey before in my life, but I don't remember it being quite so hellish.  Maybe I am more addicted now- maybe I am weaker now that I am older, but I am a ball of fury and grief and confusion and fatigue. Sometimes, I collapse into tears, as if I have buried an old, dear friend.  Other times, I am ready to explode at anyone who stands nearby. Because I feel unstable and unpredictable, I am avoiding and limiting contact with anyone other than immediate family until I get through the first 72 hours.  I am very fuzzy and addle-headed, and often walk into a room with no memory as to why I am there.  I am having to make lists to get anything accomplished, but I am paralyzed as I stare at the list, pen in hand.  It's as if I have temporarily lost 20 IQ points.  From what I have read, this is all normal, and, thankfully, temporary. Usually, the withdrawal peaks at 72 hours (I am now only at about 40) and, by about 10 days, one's head is pretty well back to normal.  This means I should be peaking tomorrow night. I am on the plane the next day, and 2 days after that, on my way down to Phantom Ranch.  Cutting it close, and this is going to be a very challenging venture for me, but the advantage is that I will have no way to access nicotine at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. 

I've needed to take this final step for years.  Yay to me for quitting smoking, but remaining addicted to nicotine replacement products as long as I have has left me unable to fully celebrate my accomplishment. I have felt controlled by a substance.  Much of my time each day is spent planning how I am going to get my nicotine, and it is already a relief to not have to worry about sneaking into the bathroom to vape during dinner with friends, etc. I am terrified I will pack on more pounds I don't need in the process, but I feel as if I will never move forward and move on without going through this temporary hell.

While I am at it, I am tossing a few other toxic habits on the pile. I am considering restructuring my eating habits again and looking at how I spend my time and with whom.  If it benefits me- it stays.  If it's toxic- it goes.  Detoxing one's life is a holistic exercise. I might as well take care of all the toxins while I am in the state to deal with it.