Rebooting...

During my early adult years, connecting with nature was where I found my passion.  My then-boyfriend, now-husband and I spent a few years kicking around Montana, Missoula, then Yellowstone National Park, then Bozeman, and then spent some time in Vermont before cracking down on furthering our education and finding a career. I asked for a top of the line backpack rather than an engagement ring, and we spent a good deal of time in the backcountry of the Rockies, as well as spring breaks in the Moab, Utah area.  I believe he enjoyed himself, though he tended to prefer actual comfortable lodging and day hikes to schlepping 30 pounds on his back for days at a time. We both accommodated each other well, and I will admit that curling up in a heated log cabin after a day of hiking or cross country skiing in the frigid air of Montana was often a relief.

After settling down with a full time job, and then, ultimately, starting a family, my ventures into the wilderness have been greatly reduced. I took up geocaching, and have been able to combine this hobby with long hikes, but most of my hikes are within 30 miles from the developed Triangle area, and there are times when I absolutely ache for mountains. Raising a child and paying a mortgage have strained our budgets, and moving all three of us across the country to trek through mountain wilderness is near impossible.

During those first couple of years after our daughter was born, I had this subconscious baggage about having any identity of my own outside motherhood and working. I felt selfish taking any time away from home.  Then, as my daughter became more independent, I had a brief spell of rebellion, and probably took too much time away from home.  Now my daughter is 8, and I am finding that she is an excellent outdoor companion.  We camp often, and I just took her on her first backpacking outing.  She was a delight, and it made my heart soar to watch her in the outdoors.

I am now trying to find a balance between parenthood and allowing myself to accommodate my yearning for rugged adventures.  Unfortunately, my husband is dealing with severe chronic back pain, and cannot tent camp or backpack.  While I am sad that we are limited in what we can do as a family, I am thrilled that my daughter and I can camp and backpack, and frankly, my spouse is probably relieved to have some alone time on occasional weekends to nurse his back.  Eventually, he will most likely require surgery.  I will be there to support him, and I desperately hope that he will heal, as he has lost his quality of life at the moment.

There is one item on my bucket list that is something I have to do alone.  I found an opening for two nights at the Phantom Ranch at the bottom of the Grand Canyon- in January.  While my daughter enjoys hiking, I know her well enough to know that the hike in and out is something that will have to wait a few years.  I also know that my husband can't attempt this now, and this is not something that seems to be on his own bucket list.  I will have to hike in alone, and there will probably be snow and ice for the first mile or two along the trail.  I booked a bunk in a dorm room, as I was fortunate to even find the space- any time of year, but I am experiencing very conflicting feelings about this.   Part of me feels intense guilt for abandoning my family and using some of our resources for 5 days in Arizona.  And, even though neither family member really feels the pull to do this, and I have my husband's support, I know that there is a part of him that is sad that I am going off to have an adventure alone.  Yet, I will be 47 in January, and something this rugged is not going to be any easier the longer I wait. I am not sure if the guilt I am experiencing is associated with being a woman and a mother, or if it is due to my general tendency to sublimate my own needs.  I am struggling to reconcile my need to nurture myself and occasionally reboot in a way that only solitude and nature provides with my desire to be a good mother and wife.

I do think that it is crucial that children see their parents as human beings who have identities and interests above and beyond parenting. I want my daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent woman, and what better way to encourage this than for her to see her mother still taking care of herself and her needs?

I have another trip planned for July, backpacking with a friend in the Smokies. My goal is to have a couple of these trips lined up each year; one close by (and cheap), and perhaps the other out West, where my spirit lives. And, the rest of the year, I will build in outings with my kid, and camping in the pop-up with the whole family, whenever we can work it in.  Taking care of my need for wilderness has helped me feel like a whole person, and feeling like a whole person has helped me to be a happier mother.  So, I encourage all adults, parents or not, to find that thing that gives them passion in life and nurture that, even if it is just an occasional indulgence.

Pining for the Ghosts of Republicans Past...

It's a sad day when a liberal pines for the days of Reagan, Ford, and William F. Buckley, but I find myself missing a time when Republicans were less angry, more articulate and more success-driven.  Though my childhood neighborhood was stuffed full of Republicans, their approach to child raising was almost identical to that of my liberal parents. Kids were encouraged to make good grades, get into the best college possible, and to succeed economically in the world.  We may have quibbled about the government's role in providing equal opportunities for all Americans and our tax structure, but we could carry on a conversation with our neighbors without coming home with the Picard facepalm.

Social media has afforded me the opportunity to check in on the lives of people with whom I had long lost touch, and the transformation of those who identify as staunch conservatives is often startling.  There are several I have observed who were once cheery, happy-go-lucky types who seem to only post conservative rants all day long.  Some of them would express outrage at Obama if he stated that the weather was nice on a given day.  I suppose, as a liberal, I should be disgusted, furious at their posts, but instead, I am saddened.  Some of these folks were the life of the party, and a delight to hang out with.  They were full of life, energy, and hope for the future, and now they seem bitter and far older than I feel.  Many of them always had conservative leanings, but they still were fun people.  Now, they rail at the world and seem as if they are two conservative memes away from having a heart attack.

Back in the 70s and 80s, Republican parents in my area were pushing their children to achieve.  Families celebrated when their kids were accepted to UVA, William and Mary, even the occasional Ivy.  Today, I have actually heard conservative parents discourage their children from attending college at all, due to the "liberal bias" on college campuses. I have seen conservative parents force their children to live in isolated bubbles, as if their children cannot be trusted with exposure to other points of view. I have heard conservative parents forbid their children to take courses that would actually increase their economic viability, simply because of dogmatic political viewpoints.  And that's where the Picard facepalm enters.  Conservatives supposedly embrace low taxes, self-reliance, and the pursuit of wealth.  And yet, many are blocking the opportunity for their children to pursue a path in life that would allow them to be competitive in a tough and global marketplace.  Your children are going to have to rub shoulders with a diverse group of folks when they enter the work world.  They will be exposed to people of all viewpoints, races, sexual orientations, and educational experiences.  If they are raised in a sheltered environment and kept from certain kinds of knowledge, they will be left behind in tomorrow's economic world.   I don't care if they strive to be a cashier at Wal-Mart; they will need to be able to relate well to all types of co-workers and customers, and growing up with seething, angry parents who try to restrict their world view will not prepare them for the changing demographics and workplace of the future.

I have written on this topic before, but a slate of posts on my News Feed in the past week have concerned me even more.  Some of these people are so driven to bash the Obamas for every utterance and action they make that they are now mocking the poor Nigerian schoolgirls who were kidnapped, simply because Michelle Obama posted a sign of support. When your political grudges lead to you making fun of a tragedy, you have crossed the line from conservative to utter, basement dwelling lunacy.  And I am floored that this point is lost on these people.  I am concerned for their state of mind and for the futures of their children.  And I am sad that these people appear to no longer be fun to share a beer with.  I can get along with most anyone, and I count a few Republicans among my friends and beloved family members.  If I cannot sit down and have a reasonable conversation with you, chances are that no one outside your bubble can either.

I am wondering what has happened to all the reasonable Republicans with whom I grew up.  Have they crossed to the dark side?  Are they laying low out of mortification, as their party grows increasingly outrageous and Honey Boo-Booish?  Have they become moderate Democrats?  Or have they just become politically apathetic?  It behooves all Republicans with a brain and a sense of logic to stand up against those who have tainted their party.  I cannot believe that my country club Republican neighbors are thrilled to have frothing, angry, embarrassing spectacles representing them. It is time for these reasonable Republicans to take their party back.  I miss having intellectual debates with the "other side", and I miss being able to affectionately agree to disagree.  And, most of all, I miss seeing some of these old friends from the past find delight and wonder in their lives. I hope that all this ranting on FB is just a release, and that they are truly happy in real life.  I doubt it.

Sadly, I suspect that conservative leaders  who occupy the 1% are pulling strings behind the scenes to manipulate economically marginalized white people in order to whip up their outrage, play on their deep-rooted prejudices, and distract them from acknowledging that they are basically getting screwed in the lottery of American life.  These Republican leaders have skillfully managed to convince these people to vote against their best economic self-interest, and to create an army of angry white people they can point in whatever direction suits the 1%.  For that, I have to credit them with strategic brilliance.  But that also makes them insidious and evil, and at the end, the army of angry white people will be as screwed as everyone else in the 99% as they happily march towards the slaughterhouse.