In need of Christmas spirits... 90 proof, please.

I swore this year that I would not set foot in any malls or department stores.  I would rather have all of my fingernails ripped from their beds one by one than to spend 10 minutes in a mall during the Christmas season.  I had visions of going off the grid; of eschewing the madness by sending donations in peoples' names to, I don't know, starving orphans? Each year I swear that the Grigg family will take a stand against gross commercialization, and each year, I end up folding like a cheap suit. Our one nod to stepping off the Christmas materialism wagon was to procure some of our daughter's gifts from Craiglist.

But, I found that my lack of planning led me to the mall not once, but twice.  I found myself being knocked into, pushed, and blocked by carts parked in the middle of aisles.  A car pulled in front of me to take a parking place for which I waited patiently.  I have seen rolled eyes, and the rudeness that can only come from stress and desperation.  Even trips to the grocery store are stressful.

Why Americans insist on engaging in high-stress Christmas behavior is beyond me.  We take a time that should be set aside for quality moments with family and friends and create a mountain of work for ourselves, spending hours sending cards to people with whom we often have long stopped interacting, spending hours battling the crowds in the mall, and slaving in the kitchen over baking goodies that many people don't even want. It is no wonder we're all a bit short and cranky.  I can only hope that one day, I'll have the strength to step off the treadmill and let people know, "We love you but we are opting out of the frenzy this year."  But, as long as I have a child at home, I don't foresee doing things that will take away the Christmas magic for her.  She's not yet jaded, nor was I when I was a child.

When I encounter rudeness while out and about, I try my best to not take it personally.  Many of us find Christmas overwhelming, and we don't all have the temperament to handle it gracefully or graciously.  Many people have committed to days on end with relatives who stress them, and are dreading the "You've gotten fat" remarks, the judgment, and the political debates foisted upon them. Many have downright dysfunctional families, and are dreading 3 nights of Uncle Joe's alcoholism, or mother's verbal abuse. Many are financially strapped, and wondering how in the world they will manage to give their children the Christmas they wish they could.  So, the only thing I can do- my only defense is to smile at strangers, wish people happy holidays (and hope they don't feel I am engaging in a War on Christmas), and not allow the crabby disposition of others to influence my own.

One side effect I've noticed with the "Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas" controversy is that folks seem reluctant to greet one another at all, and that makes me just a little bit sad.  I doubt the "War on Christmas" crowd anticipated that people would be so terrified of offending anyone that they just shut down.  A little bit of civility and warmth has been lost in the shuffle. A cashier wished me "Merry Christmas" today, not in the "I dare you to take offense" manner I've encountered recently, but in a friendly manner, and my agnostic self smiled widely and responded, "And a Merry Christmas to you, too." Anyone who takes the time to greet me warmly will get nothing back but gratitude.  I remember what it was like to work in a retail store this time of year, so I go out of my way to treat retail workers with a little extra kindness and empathy.

In any case, if we cannot find our Christmas spirit, for whatever reason, we just need to remember that this time will pass, as it always does, before we know it.  We'll clean out the gift bags and wrapping paper, pack away our ornaments, and go back to life as normal.  And the madness will recede, at least for another 365 days.

Goodbye and good riddance

As of Saturday,  I am now closer to 50 than 40.  Birthdays no longer disturb me, and I have never particularly fretted over numbers, so I am not mourning the inevitable march towards death.  I am, however, happy to see the back of 45. The past few years were very stressful and difficult, and I had to negotiate a path through a series of minefields.  The death of my beloved Aunt Sylvia was probably the most profound loss I felt last year, but there were other BIG STRESSORS that loomed over what had previously been an uneventful, reasonably calm, placid existence.   Luckily, the other difficulties are in the process of resolving themselves, and my stress level is returning to a manageable level. It was by sheer stubbornness alone that I managed to function (minimally, mind you), and I began to visualize shaking my fist at the fates and telling them to bugger the #$#$ off.

All in all, I have emerged from what I call Hell Year stronger and more resilient.  The world did not knock me down.  Strife did not defeat me.  In some ways, I am grateful that I faced multiple crises simultaneously.  I needed to know that I had the ability to overcome adversity, and I have rarely been field tested. I never thought of myself as a particularly strong person, and I am beginning to see that I can survive and thrive under adverse conditions.  However, I'm ready to have a peaceful, uneventful 46th year. 

I'm not particularly wise nor overwhelmingly clever, but I am stubborn and proud.  There are very few people on earth whom I will allow to see me weak or falter.  When everything is right as rain, I am extraordinarily uncompetitive, but when backed into a corner, I find myself hardening and sharpening my virtual knives.  Now, it's time to set down my mental weapons and to make my peace with where I have been, and to figure out where I am now going.

Try to understand... he's a magic man

In the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I encountered a man who had been hyped as a "seer" and a mystic.  He assessed me during our conversation.  He told me that I was potentially a very powerful young lady concealing a great deal of healing energy, but that I was not yet prepared to use it.  He said that I emotionally distanced myself from others by using sarcasm and dark humor, and by avoiding serious conversations.  I would have to topple this psychological wall before I could access this power. He said that, subconsiously, I was aware of my powers but was terrified to explore them.  As he didn't know me from a hole in the wall, I placed his evaluation in my mental parking lot, and chalked it up to the man trying to get into my 18 year old pants. And, sure enough, he asked me out to dinner.

I was curious enough to accept.  I will admit that I felt some combination of attraction and slight revulsion, and my curiosity and hunger for outrageous life experiences won the day.  A few days later, he picked me up from my apartment and I found myself at an incredibly expensive French restaurant.  His stare was hypnotic, and his slightly lined face, dark tan, piercing eyes, and longish black hair were appealing in a way that a naive, somewhat inexperienced 18 year old would find.  He spoke little of himself, but instead, cleverly focused on me as if he found me the most fascinating person on earth.  At one point, he asked me to hold up my hand. He placed his hand close to mine without touching it.  I felt small circular swirling sensations on my fingertips, and he asked, "Did you feel that?"  To this day, I have absolutely no clue how he did this, but I know that I did not imagine it.  "I can teach you how to do this, along with so many other things."  I have never been in the least bit New Age or Woo Woo, but I will admit that I was fascinated.  However, my sensible side kicked in.  Why in the world would a man who had to have been 40ish want to date an 18 year old?  What were his motives?  And, even if he did have powers, I suspected he used them in order to seduce young women.  I heard strains of Heart's "Magic Man" in my head, and I ended the date with a mere hug, though I know he was hoping for more.  I brought home my leftovers, and shared my escargot and buttery something-or-another with my starving roommates.  And I refused to see him again.  Part of me was tempted- the idea of taking on a 40 year old lover fascinated me- what things could he teach me? But a 40 year old man who pursues 18 year olds is somewhat oogy, and I sensed he was looking for a starry eyed protégé.

Soon, I had an age-appropriate boyfriend with whom I stayed for 2 years.  I adored him, and he adored me, but eventually, we found we had irreconcilable differences.  He wanted to move after college to a large city- New York or San Francisco, immerse himself in the art and music scene, and I knew we'd live in an apartment where a large cast of characters would enter and exit at will.  I craved a quieter, more solitary existence in a hamlet in Vermont, where I hoped to be a working writer.  With no small amount of sadness, I ended the relationship, as I could not see a compromise.  And as it turns out, my boyfriend lived his dream, and, though I chose a more practical career, I have spent my adulthood living in small college towns and quiet, woodsy places. 

Every now and then, I find myself contemplating what Mystical Man told me about myself.  In some ways, he was dead on.  I have always used sarcasm and humor to create a level of emotional distance from others.  And, though I doubt I am harboring the ability to heal people, over the years, several people have told me that I have "calming energy".  I doubt I throw this out in order to be a great humanitarian.  I simply need my environment to be peaceful, and when someone around me is agitated or upset, I do experience a feeling of pushing something out of me; some kind of weird energy in order to create harmony around myself.  But, I am guessing these things are true for many of us.  Perhaps we do all have some kind of hidden power to effect change in the world around us, and it wouldn't be difficult to quickly pick up that I am a smart ass.  So, I just throw his words back into the mental parking lot, though I am still completely mystified by the circles he created on my fingertips without even touching me.  I am grateful now that I did not allow this man to seduce me.  God only knows what kind of damage might have been inflicted, and I now perceive him to be someone who had Manson-like aspirations.  I congratulate my naive 18 year old self for having some kind of sense that won over my attraction and curiosity, but there is a part of me that wonders if I would have walked away with an unusual adventure, full of physical intrigue and passion beyond what most 18 year olds usually experience.  Heretofore, I had only experienced the fumblings of teenagers.  Surely, a fling with a 40 year old would have been a Garden of Earthly Delights.

I also wonder where he is now and what kind of life he has led.  He would be well into his sixties by now!  I don't think I could possibly locate him, as he used a rather cheesy, New Age, pseudonym, and I haven't a clue as to his real first or last name is.  How many young girls were drawn in by his mystical, charismatic, New Age schtick?

How many times do we find ourselves facing choices such as this- where we have a choice between something tempting, but somewhat dangerous, versus taking the sensible, rational route of self-protection?  This time, I chose safety.  Other times, I have leapt into the abyss.  No matter my choice, I often wonder how my life would have changed if I chose differently.

Monkeys off backs and such...

I woke up recently to realize that a bad habit I have struggled with for some time had just abated. The urge to engage in this unhealthy behavior had been waning gradually, so subtly that I didn't notice until it was gone. It has been a behavior that I have stopped repeatedly, but the urge remained as a dull, aching impulse, barely beneath the surface, and I knew each time that I would be led again into unhealthy behavior that didn't represent the person I want to be. It doesn't matter what it was- whether a substance, a series of actions, or a person. What matters is that I no longer find this bad habit appealing or attractive, and it no longer suits me or my life.  The final push came from circumstances that were beyond my control, but these circumstances formed the catalyst I needed to make the final break.

Though I feel a sense of inner peace to have hurled this monkey from my back, I also feel a small sense of loss. A bad habit can be as comfortable as a warm blankie. The daily pull, the sadness that underlies an addiction becomes a trusted and familiar friend.  The need for what is toxic consumes you and informs your day to day decision making. Now that this dubious friend has flown the coop, I find myself scrambling to fill that space. I think that, as I have been pulling away, food has served that purpose. Since I don't want to substitute one bad habit for another, I am trying to fill that space with positive energy. 

I have also recently liberated myself from trying to please everyone else. I am adamantly being myself. I post what I want on FB; I say what I want to my friends and family (barring being rude or insensitive), I feel free to be sincere at times and cast off the impulse to be a perennial smartass who takes nothing seriously. I no longer worry about being mocked or heckled. I am happy with the person that I am, and people can feel free to move on if they don't find what I have to say appealing.  I no longer choose my words to impress anyone. I have an innate ability to unconsciously reinvent myself to match the tone and personality of others, and I'm done with that. I believe that the liberation from my bad habit is linked to my newly found desire to be authentic, because, the more the former has increased, so has the latter. 

Some of my new found peace stems from beginning a new job where I feel engaged and intellectually stimulated. As I throw more energy into my job, I find I have less for extraneous things that once seemed important.  And since I have 2 hours of commuting time each day, I find myself focusing more on my family and my marriage, out of necessity. I judiciously dole out what time and energy is left over.

I suppose that I could berate myself for engaging in unhealthy behavior as long as I have, but I don't see the purpose of doing so. My life experiences are part of the rich tapestry of human behavior, and I feel more alive for having experienced the highs and the lows. And I am at peace knowing that I have been accountable to those in my life to whom I need to be. 

Happy Whatever

'Tis the season where I start seeing angry FB rants about hearing "Happy Holidays", rather than "Merry Christmas".  I know there are those who are equally offended to hear "Merry Christmas", if they do not celebrate this holiday, but for some reason, I never see the complaints in my feed.  I have seen people posting that they will refuse to do business with retailers where "Happy Holidays" is used, and I have heard retail employees recount stories of being barked at and lectured.  I am scratching my head that people are so easily offended when people are truly trying to be nice and inclusive.  And I feel bad for the employees who are often overwhelmed and exhausted, and can't seem to win either way.

First of all, I actually can empathize with Christians, who may mourn what they see as "taking the Christ out of Christmas".  I am an agnostic, but I celebrate Christmas culturally.  I put up a Christmas tree, not a "holiday tree".  I like the sound of "Merry Christmas", as I grew up hearing it.  And, I'll admit, I enjoy old fashioned Christmas pageants.  I listen to both secular and sacred Christmas music, and have fond memories of sing-alongs to "The Messiah".  Christmas is part of my culture, and I can see how Christians can feel that their holiday is lost to a generic Holiday goo.  That said, I think Christmas as  a religious holiday has long jumped the shark, due to mass commercialization and materialistic shopping frenzies.  I do not recall any mention of people coming to fisticuffs over big screen TVs in Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John, and Christmas to most Americans is more about consumerism and excess than it is about Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. 

If I do not know you, I will likely greet you with "Happy Holidays", and if you are offended by this, it's your issue.  I don't know if you are Jewish, Muslim, Christian, or a non-believer, and since "Happy Holidays" celebrates all holidays, you're covered in all cases. If I know you, I will greet you with the specific holiday greeting you prefer.  And if you tell me your preference,  I have no issue with addressing you in that way.  You can feel free to greet me with whatever you find most comfortable.  I am just happy to be greeted.  In a world where people are often cruel to one another, any kind of pleasant greeting gives me warm fuzzies.

I would advise Christians who are offended by the loss of "Christ in Christmas" to direct their ire to retailers and materialism in our culture, rather than at the poor, hapless retail employees working their tails off and following, most likely, the instructions of their employers.  Try jumping off the commercial treadmill and bake or make crafts. Visit a rest home and sing Christmas carols to lonely seniors.  Give your family your time, rather than spending hours in the mall. And for God's sake, stop setting up your tents in front of Best Buy during Thanksgiving. It's tacky and gross.  We are choosing this year to minimize the focus on gift-giving.  Sadie is going to get 3 presents, one of which is coming from Craigslist, and perhaps a few books. We tend to not exchange purchased gifts with other adults, other than parents, though I may do some baking this year.  And I will not set one toe in the mall.

In any case, it might be helpful to remember that most of us are stumbling around, trying to be friendly and non-offensive, but it's a crapshoot.  I want to share holiday cheer and be kind, but I can't look at you and tell what will and will not offend you.  Give those of us who are trying to be friendly a break, please.  At least I'm not telling you to go @#$# yourself, right?  And Happy Holidays/Happy Hanukkah/Merry Christmas/Happy Whatever you observe- ok?