Food short cuts- which ones are worth it and which ones should be taken out and shot...

To be American in today's world is to be perennially overcommitted.  We are constantly on the go, sleep-deprived, and look for every shortcut in the book. Many times, what gets sacrificed are home-cooked, thoughtfully prepared meals. We spend a fortune at restaurants, and throw convenience food together. Our waistlines and medical parameters show the results of our harried schedule.  The Slow Food Movement is awesome in theory, but I don't have time for Slow anything these days.  Rather than taking an all-or-nothing stance, I'm trying to find short cuts when possible, practical, and healthy and delicious, but there are some short cuts that are just not worth it.  Either doing things the "right way" takes so little extra time, the short cut is ridiculously overpriced, or the short cut is horrifically unhealthy or one sacrifices their tastebuds at the altar of convenience.  Here are a few short cuts that are just not worth it:

Low end ramen noodles.  Yes, they are uber cheap and cook up in 2 minutes.  They are also loaded with sodium and fat, and made with bleached white flour.  And my kid, unfortunately, loves them.  She loves pasta in all forms.   Solution?  Make a gigantic pot of whole grain (wheat, rice, spelt, what have you) pasta and refrigerate the bulk to use for other meals, in soups, etc. My kid could happily eat nothing but pasta and butter, but I doctor it up with protein (chicken, tuna, salmon), half the butter she wants, and sometimes stir in veggies.  When I do make ramen noodles, I try to go for the whole grain/low sodium variety from a co-op or Whole Foods.  The kid squawks. I ignore her.

Short cuts chicken.  You know the chicken chunks you find near the luncheon meat that you can add to salads, etc? They are just nasty.  They taste compressed and reconstituted.  In fact, they are one of the few foods on earth that doesn't "taste like chicken".  I know most of us do not have time to cook a whole chicken.  But this is just foul, and overpriced.  Solution?  Buy a rotisserie chicken- heck, at the end of the day, my grocery store puts them on sale.  They are very affordable, and it takes all of 5-10 minutes to pull the meat off at home.   You can pick up a couple of them and have chicken for a variety of recipes in a week.

Shredded cheese.  I'm a hard sell on this one, because it is so easy to open a bag, but shredded cheese loses a lot of flavor and is much more expensive. It takes all of 5 minutes to grate an entire block of cheese, is good for the arm muscles, and you can grate a couple of days worth at once. 

Jars of pre-minced garlic.   It doesn't even taste like garlic.  It has a bitterness that fresh garlic doesn't have. If you don't have a garlic press, by all means, get one.  It takes a few seconds to peel off the garlic rind, and a few more seconds to press a clove. I used to use it, but when I purchased some fresh garlic, I was floored by how much better my food tasted.

Avoiding fish.  I have heard so many people say that they don't buy fish because they "don't have time for it".  ??  Fish bakes and pan fries so much faster than other meats.   I can pan fry up some salmon steaks on the stove in 5 minutes, and it's the easiest thing ever.  Salmon steaks with olive oil, garlic, capers, and lemon juice is absolutely delicious, and I will often serve the salmon over some of the leftover whole grain pasta.

Frozen vegetables.  Yes, I'm guilty of this at times, but, my lord, they are disgusting.  I grew up on canned and frozen vegetables, and never liked veggies until I went off to college and started cooking fresh ones. It is SO tempting to pop a steamable bag of frozen veggies in the microwave, but it's also easy to get a steamer basket and use it.  We have a container from Pampered Chef that allows us to steam veggies in the microwave in 5 minutes. It takes little time to cut up a squash and a zucchini, half some local cherry tomatoes, and pan fry it in olive oil with some herbs.

My husband would add in baby carrots.  I cave, because I am in a rush in the morning, but I agree that peeling and cutting up a carrot takes little time and tastes so much better.  Another option for a work lunch is to cut up a couple of colored peppers.

Frozen meals.  I falter here as well, but I am trying to get them out of my diet.  They taste like ass, pure and simple, and are full of disgusting crap.  I'm trying to find better solutions for quick, easy lunches to pack, and the easiest, fastest packed lunch is to bring leftovers from dinner.  We try to make large quantities of dinner so that we can have lunches for the week. When I cave, I'm trying to buy better frozen meals.  Amy's makes some that are much healthier and actually taste reasonably pleasant.

Commercial salad dressings.  They are full of junk and, in my opinion, taste like chemicals.  It takes no time at all to make a vinaigrette.  Some days, I just mix balsamic vinegar with olive oil.  That's it.  1 minute of my life. 

Crustables.  Oh. Em. Gee.  These are in the frozen section, and are pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  You take them out and let them thaw.  In that length of time, you could have whipped together multiple peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.   For about a 10th of the price.  Who buys these things?

Pre-sliced boiled eggs.  The HECK?  How fresh could these things be?  And how long does it take to slice up an egg?  For the love of all that is holy, don't.

Short cuts that are worth it (at least to me):

Bagged salad.  No way do I have time on a weekday to wash lettuce and spin it or wait for it to dry. I can take some bagged salad and add some protein, nuts, grape tomatoes, and, if I have them, leftover cooked veggies. I bring a small container of homemade salad dressing, as the salads get nasty and soggy if you put the dressing on at home. It's the only way I am going to bring salad to work, so it's bagged salad or no salad.


Rotisserie chicken.  I could live on rotisserie chicken.  I do not have time to cook whole chickens, and they are tasty and cheap.  They can be used in just about any chicken recipe, or just thrown onto a salad or in a tortilla.  Definitely worth it.

Chopped butternut squash cubes.  I haven't noticed any taste difference, and they are so convenient in stews or other recipes.  Peeling and cutting a butternut squash takes a lot of time.

Pie crust.  Unless I am taking a pie to a very special dinner, the store bought variety are tasty enough to make the convenience worthwhile. And we rarely make pies anyway.

Cake mixes.  They CAN be worth it, if you are just feeding a bunch of kids, or if you doctor up the recipe.  Otherwise, there is nothing as tasty as a homemade cake. And the pre-made frosting pales in comparison to the homemade variety.  I'd probably compromise with a cake mix with homemade frosting.

Bisquick/pancake mix.  We eat pancakes so infrequently that I don't mind occasionally using Bisquick, and it comes in handy for a variety of recipes. I am biased, as I grew up on Bisquick, and it tastes like my childhood.  Plus, I am usually too out of it first thing in the morning to whip up homemade pancakes.  If you want a healthier option, Whole Foods or your local co-op will probably have whole grain, organic, pancake mixes.  Arrowhead Mills makes some tasty ones.I wouldn't recommend a steady stream of pancake breakfasts, scratch or not, but if you do it as little as we do, a little Bisquick won't kill you.

In general, my list will differ from your list, as we all have different taste buds.  Cut corners when it won't compromise healthy eating or taste bad.  Take the extra time when it really matters, or when the short cut is overpriced or nasty. 

insanity is to continue to argue with the insane...

I have just engaged in the most pointless FB argument ever.  An old acquaintance posted, without irony or hesitation, that the US government has a depopulation agenda, wants an Ebola pandemic, and will bring the survivors to their knees.  I engaged my science librarian self asking for his list of peer-reviewed articles and evidence from virologists, and said to spare me the URLs from conspiracy web sites and blogs. He responded, and, I can't really remember the diatribe that came out of his mouth, other than the fact that he responded in ALL CAPS, and I cannot read conspiracy rants in ALL CAPS, sorry, dude.  He mentioned the "well-known government's depopulation agenda", and I responded that it can't be all that well known, as I didn't know this to be a fact.

I have been thinking about how I do science literacy instruction here at the library, and I am realizing that I have been focusing too much on how to find library sources, such as journal articles and books, and not enough time on science literacy.  I do talk a good deal about finding authoritative sources, and how to tell the difference between a solid, scholarly web site/journal article and something that is not authoritative, but I don't think I provide enough context as to why this is important.  Having these skills are not only important in scholarship, but also in one's personal life as one grapples with all the claims and statistics floating around on the interwebz, especially pertaining to science.  There is an epidemic of junk science that is leading to science refusal and distrust of the people who have spent their lives doing research and gaining expertise, and when we consider a Playboy bunny an authoritative source on vaccines, rather than our physicians or our scientists, we have a serious problem.  We cite Rush Limbaugh on climate change and poo poo climate researchers who almost unanimously agree that humans are affecting global climates. We are a nation of people who are overly confident in our opinions, and opine far out of our expert domain.  Though I am a lefty like many celebrities, I do not go to my favorite celebrity for opinions on scientific matters. I do not go to an anonymous blogger, or an organization funded by corporate interests.  I try to search scholarly databases and look for peer-reviewed articles by experts.  This is something I try to instill in my students, and clearly, I  need to stress this more. It's not about a political agenda- I will reverse my opinions if I am showed clear, authoritative evidence that I am wrong.  It's about teaching and learning critical thinking skills, and we, as a nation, are doing a horrific job here.

My problem with conspiracy theorists is that they are indiscriminate when it comes to assessing information sources.  They have a pre-set agenda, and take any information as truth that suits their agenda without close examination.  And, they have a built in refusal tool.  If I present statistics from the CDC, well, the CDC is in on the conspiracy, so I can't trust their statistics.  If I present evidence by scholars and researchers at universities, hell, they are bought off by the powers-that-be, and cannot be trusted.  So, anything I bring to them that refutes a wild conspiracy is information that THE GOVERNMENT WANTS YOU TO BELIEVE.  And then, they deposit a list of links from frothy-mouthed blogs made by people I have never heard of with no expertise on the topic, and I cannot possibly trace the information back to an authoritative source; nor can they either. So, distrust the experts, but trust any Joe Blow who posts that they KNOW the truth.  Last night, my husband showed me a photo posted on a UFO FB group that "proved" that aliens visited the moon.  Note- he was once part of the UFOlogy community.  He recognized the graphic as coming from a fictional movie! If I catch conspiracy nuts in the act of believing something so easily refuted, how can I trust them on anything else they claim is true?

Do I believe conspiracies are possible?  Certainly.  Anything is possible.But do I believe that hundreds, even thousands of elite people can be in on the conspiracy and keep it secret?  Have you ever tried to get even 10 friends to keep a secret? Or get a group of 10 co-workers and talk them into sharing your agenda? Herding people is only slightly less difficult than herding cats, and to believe that everyone with any kind of important office in the CDC, NIH, the US Government, working as a researcher, all have a secret handshake, a shared agenda, and a willingness to keep their traps shut is so farfetched I cannot imagine anyone older than 15 buying into this.

I did finally extract myself from the FB argument.  You cannot argue with crazy, these people have their own circular logic that does not accept any evidence they don't want to see, and it is a pointless waste of my time to even go there.  Some of these people I remember as once being chill, fun, easy to hang out with. I wonder what happened to their psyche that caused them to walk around with so much paranoia and anxiety.

As far as Ebola, it's useless to point out the facts of the disease- ie, not airborne, not easily transmitted, because THAT IS WHAT THE CDC WANTS US TO BELIEVE.  Never mind that anyone in the government with even half a brain would want to allow a pandemic inside our borders that might end up killing him or her. And, hell, if it kills us all, there would be nobody left to control.  There is no logic to it.  And I have to learn to walk away and allow the illogical to remain illogical.  All I can do is to work with my undergrads and show them critical thinking and good research skills and hope that it sticks.

culture of ugliness

I am reaching my limit of tolerance when it comes to mocking people. I continually have pictures of the "The People of Wal-Mart" vein popping up on my FB feed, and it's getting on my last nerve.  Do I think it's tasteful to walk around in public with see-through leggings, or with butt cheeks or belly rolls hanging out?  Not particularly, no.  Do I want to expend the least little bit of energy taking stealth pictures of these people, posting them on Facebook, and then laughing at them?  Absolutely not.  My little bit of spare time is spent trying to work on myself.  There is exercise to be done, home improvement, learning new things, reading, time to spend with my family, traveling, professional development.  I can barely squeeze everything in that needs to be done, much less troll Wal-Mart for people wearing ill-fitting clothes. I feel like I am in a constant struggle to try to be the best person I can be, and there is always room for improvement.  Every moment I waste judging other people is a moment I am not using for self-improvement.

When did our culture become accepting of ugliness? And by this, I don't mean physical unattractiveness, but rather expressing hate and derision.  Perhaps it's always been there, but the rise of social media has forced me to have to bump into mean-spritedness on a daily basis.  God forbid you are a few pounds overweight, or, due to poverty and lack of education and nurturing, walk around in clothing most people find unacceptable, or carry extra weight due to being nutrition-starved.  And, we love our reality shows, where we can mock people whom we deem to be "white trash".

Listen, people.  We have real problems in this world that must be tackled.  Climate change, violence around the world, refugees, inequality. I am beginning to fear that we are generally dumbing down as a people. Idiocracy appears to be coming to fruition.

Yes, my panties are in a wad.  Yes, I am clutching my pearls.  I have to raise my daughter in this world, and I am trying to produce an empathetic, kind-hearted adult. Your hatred says more about you than it does about the objects of your contempt.  Anyone who invests time and energy making fun of other people is compensating for feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.  High achievers don't have time for this shit.

Rant over.

the family has returned

Have made it through 3/4 of a blog entry of my varied impressions of Las Vegas, after spending almost a week conferencing there, but just haven't been able to wrap it up yet.

After 8 days without my family, I was so thrilled to see them arrive on Saturday.  Hubby dropped the kiddo off at overnight camp the previous weekend, and he stayed up in Virginia for a week to be nearby, in case of emergency.  Kiddo often finds it difficult to fit in well in social situations such as this, so we thought it important that someone be nearby, in case any problems arose.  Thankfully, she had a blast at Triple R Ranch, where I went to summer camp as a kid, and left with new friends.

I spent several days in the backcountry in the Smokies with a buddy, and dragged my body up and down 4300 feet of elevation change.  We did the Big Creek/Swallow Fork/Mt Sterling Ridge/Baxter Creek loop, which I cannot recommend enough for a 3 day loop. The first day is an almost flat 6 miles or so up Big Creek, which features multiple swimming holes and lush falls. The second day is a 4000 foot climb to Mt Sterling, and the 3rd day is a steep 4300 descent on Baxter Creek Trail.  I discovered that my trip to the Grand Canyon will only be 500 feet more elevation change than this one, and over an additional mile of trail. I had to stop and rest frequently on the second day, but once we set up camp, my leg pain had subsided somewhat, and I topped off the hike by going up and down a 60 foot high fire tower 4 times.  The 360 view from the top of Mt Sterling is not to be missed.  Every five minutes, the shadows move and the view changes.  So, given that I managed to complete this hike without much pain lets me know that I am almost ready to tackle the Grand Canyon.  I have until January to keep climbing stairs and lose a few pounds, and, surely, having a small daypack, rather than a 50 pound backpack, will make the hike slightly more comfortable.  My shoulders and hips always squawk at the end of a backpack, but my legs are only sore for a day.

Though I have been geographically separated from my husband for several months at a time over the years, this was the longest stretch of time I spent away from my 8 year old.  I will freely admit that the first few days were a nice, relaxing break, but shortly after I returned from the Smokies a few days after, I was positively yearning for her exuberance and energy.  I found that I could stalk her online, as the camp posted daily pictures, and I flipped through each day's photos trying to catch a glimpse of my daughter.  I was thrilled to see her goofing around and mugging for the camera.

This is the third camp she's attended this summer, though the other two were day camps.  She asked to attend Christian camps, and this agnostic whipped out her wallet each time.  I don't know how most agnostics/atheists (and, by some definitions, I might be considered an atheist) with Christian children react, but I don't have any issue with my daughter exploring faith.  Each human being needs to find his or her own path, and we often egotistically try to impose our own belief system on our children. I gave birth to her; I hosted her; I am charged with raising her, but she is her own person and I don't have a say as to whether or not she will be a person of faith.  I do feel responsible for helping her find a path that supports basic human rights, so I will guide her to progressive churches, and ethically, I cannot support using my car and gas money to drive her to churches that oppose gay marriage, but if she chooses a fundamentalist path, ultimately, I will still love and respect her agency.  We have so many LGBTQ friends that I think she'd have a difficult time taking on homophobia, and she's spunky and independent enough that I have a difficult time imagining her tolerating a misogynistic lifestyle.  Every night, she silently prays to God before she goes to sleep and blows him a kiss.  To be honest, since she's taken on faith, she seems more content with her life and less tormented by her ADHD.  I don't know if this stage will last- I went through a Christian phase and ultimately moved away from it, but there is something oddly endearing about seeing my daughter pray.  I don't have the "God" gene- I just can't go there.  But, if it turns out that she does, and that faith brings her comfort, I will be happy for her.

I suspect that most of my agnostic/atheist friends would react much as I do to having Christian children- or, at least, manage to move past their disappointment.  However, I cannot see fundamentalist Christians being able to accept their children becoming atheists.  Since I don't believe in Hell, I am not worried about my child ending up there.  A fundamentalist is going to worry profusely that their child will end up burning for all eternity.  But, I do think that many parents across the political and religious spectrum share a common desire to produce small carbon copies of themselves. Our role is to guide our children into the world as responsible citizens, but we do not own them.  They need to find themselves, and we must accept and celebrate the people they become, barring, of course, that they become hateful or sociopathic or violent criminals or drug addicts.  I don't wish for my daughter to become anything other than the best person she is intended to be.  I do wish this was something I could share with her.  I would love to be able to pray WITH her, but I must be authentic and be the person I am intended to be.  There are so many other things we share- this is something she gets to have that is all her own.

on conferencing...

I have been attending at least one annual national library conference or another each year since I entered the profession.  In the late 90's, there was enough travel money that we were often able to get funding for more conferences, but as the economy slowed, I learned to look for funding opportunities such as grants and travel awards.  I have always looked forward to these trips, as I live to travel, love visiting large conference cities, enjoy the professional development and networking opportunities, and manage to squeeze in sightseeing when I can. I especially looked forward to conference time after the kiddo came along, as it was often the only time each year I could have quiet time where I wasn't wrangling a kid.  In the years before she was born, I always roomed with other librarians and enjoyed it, but have grown to treasure quiet time in my room, as I am rarely by myself.  I don't want to waste my organization's money, so I have become a master at finding alternative lodging opportunities. I have stayed in guest houses, hostels, college dorms, nearby budget hotels, and am staying in an Airstream in a campground this year. In Chicago, I rented someone's fully furnished studio apartment and rode the El into the conference every day. Essentially, I keep my lodging costs to the same amount others who share their rooms pay.

Now that my child is getting older and a bit more independent, I am beginning to lose my need to be ALONE, and will probably resume taking roommates again after this year.  I am fairly new in my position here, and don't really want to get a reputation as someone who is standoffish. I was close enough to my co-workers at my last job for them to understand that I was not anti-social, and I was happy to hang out during the day, but they were empathetic to my need to have a little alone time once a year. I am still getting to know people here, so I feel I should be sociable and look for a roommate next year. I honestly do enjoy the company of colleagues, but I also relish, for a few days each year, the silence of an empty hotel room, the ability to traipse around my room wrapped in a towel and watch cable TV, which we do not have at home, and being able to hog the bathroom. These are luxuries on par to staying in an expensive spa. After a few days of having quiet evenings and mornings in my room, I start to feel like a hermit, and am grateful to come home and experience the beautiful cacophony of my child.

This is the first year that I am actually experiencing a sense of sadness about leaving.  I have been growing closer to my kid and spending a lot of time taking her on little weekend adventures.  As my husband struggles with his back injury, I have stepped in to take her places so she won't spend her entire weekend playing Minecraft, and so he can rest his back. Though I hate for my husband that he is in so much pain, the experience we're all going through has brought us all closer.  I will be gone 5 1/2 days, and I am already missing my family. I hate to be one of those mothers who cannot bear to be away from my daughter, but I do feel maternal pangs when I am away.

Though my husband always has a conference the same week as I, I am hoping to take my mother and daughter with me to San Francisco next year, and perhaps head over to Yosemite for a couple of days afterwards.  Mom has offered to watch the kiddo while I attend programming, and I want so much to take my daughter to all the places I was able to visit when I was a kid. If that doesn't work out, I will reach out to my co-workers and learn to do the roommate thing again. What I'll give up in privacy, I'll gain in fellowship.

on aging...

Lately, I have been thinking about the fact that I am now "middle-aged" and am, like everyone else, starting the aging process.  I tried this morning, during my commute, to tease out what aging means to me, how I feel about being middle-aged, and what kind of older person I'd like to be.

The common wisdom is that women tend to take aging hard.  They desperately try to hang on to their youth, they invest a fortune in "anti-aging" skin products, they fret about the effects of gravity, and those who are well off rush off to have "work" done.  Frankly, I see my peers aging gracefully and not dwelling on their age, and I, personally, have not felt any pulls of desperation. In fact, I don't feel particularly perturbed at all that I am 46 years old.  I don't know what 46 is supposed to feel like, but I physically feel better than I did in my early 30s.  I can hike to the top of a mountain now, while, 10 years ago, I was struggling to climb a few flights of stairs.  I have more patience than I did 10 years ago, and I actually like the changes I have made to the way in which I present myself.  I no longer dress for "shock" value or follow trends for the sake of doing so; I choose clothing that I feel flatters me and that can be worn in a variety of settings.  I think my youthful attitude comes from having had a child at an "advanced maternal age".  I am dealing with 8 year old problems, and only had my first real professional, career-track position at the age of 30, so my maturity and growth was delayed by a number of years.  That means that my life pace is more on par with the average 30 something year old than it is with most people my own age.  I guess that also means that I had a lot more "immature" years.

There are both advantages and disadvantages to starting careers and having children later in life.  I had no idea what I wanted in life at 22; and had I started having children or started a career back then, I don't think I would have excelled at either.  Woe be to to the child that would have had 22 year old me as a mother. And, had I settled on a career right out of college, I would have missed out on the incredible experiences I had in my 20s, as I explored different options and kicked around as a cliched Gen-X slacker, choosing jobs and settings based on the incredible places in which I chose to live.  The 37 year old I was when my daughter was born was more mature, certainly more economically viable, and more patient. HOWEVER...  My friends who are now becoming empty nesters have a level of freedom that I don't have.  They have paid their dues, and are now traveling and seeing the world as a more affluent person than I was when I had my freedom.  My adventures were extremely low budget, and there were times that I found myself in perilous economic situations.  Also, my child is incredibly energetic, and I am often tired, when 22 year old me would have had no problem keeping up with my kid.  Some of my friends who started raising children early were probably a bit envious at times of the freedom I had in my twenties; now I am occasionally envious of their newly found freedom.  I also worry about that fact that my only child will be younger when her parents are aging, and she definitely will lose her grandparents earlier than many of her peers. I don't want my daughter to feel responsible for nursing her aging parents when she is at the age where she should be focusing on a career, or on raising a family, or both. I feel sometimes that I have given her a raw deal by bringing her into this world with a mother who was almost 38.  But, every situation has pros and cons, and I cannot hyperfocus on the wisdom of the choices I made.  I simply was not ready for parenthood until my mid to late 30s, and that's just the way it is.

In terms of worrying about my attractiveness as I age, I really don't. I don't feel jealous of beautiful young women with their entire lives ahead of them.  I already had my turn as a young woman, had all those advantages, and it's time now to pass the torch.  Age is the great equalizer.  I also don't believe that beauty is limited to the young.  Beauty exists at every age, and the older we become, the more inner beauty becomes more relevant. I feel more confident in my own skin than I did when I was young, and sometimes, confidence only comes with age and wisdom.  Yes, there are men who dump their aging wives for younger, more pliable, more attractive women, but, trust me, if you have one of those, you're better off without them. There are plenty of men who aren't seeking to replace the old with the new, and my husband, thankfully, doesn't appear to be looking for a trophy wife.

A lot of older women report that, as they age, they feel increasingly invisible.  People often don't listen to them as they speak, and look right through them.  This is probably the most troublesome, and actually, infuriating worry of mine. I loathe sexism, ageism, any "ism", really, and this is a particularly difficult problem to fight, as it is mostly a subconscious response.  So many cultures revere the elderly and respect their wisdom.  Here, we mostly want them to become invisible.  They remind us of death, and western cultures do NOT like being reminded of death. And I probably think about death more than average.  Blame my past as a goth; we're somewhat morbid.

In any case, I am not really fretting the fact that I am getting older.  Each stage brings with it new triumphs and new challenges, and I am enjoying the person I am becoming.  There's no getting around aging, unless you die young, so one might as well accept it with dignity and grace.

rambly fitness musings

This weekend, I had a fabulous trip on the VA Creeper Trail with about 18 other folks.  The shuttle took us to the top of Whitetop Mountain, and we coasted downhill for about 17 miles to Damascus.  The bike ride is great for people of all fitness levels, and I expected it to be a breeze, but we hit a couple of caches that required some climbing.  One had me stumbling through thick groves of stinging nettles, ouch, and another was about an hour scrambling up and down steep slopes to haul myself up to a waterfall.  Now, I know I have some extra weight on me, but I usually feel fairly fit for a woman my age.  I hike and backpack, and I go up and down 11 1/2 flights of stairs at least twice a day at work, often adding a brisk walk on top of that.  But I found myself frequently out of breath and about 5 minutes behind the two youngest people in our party; a 24 year old and a 12 year old.  It became very, very evident that I have to step up the training if I expect to do the Grand Canyon in January.  As I am going alone, it is very important for me to be in the best possible shape I can be.

To that end, I have to take off about 2 pounds a week until I reach no more than 150 pounds, and really step up the fitness level.  I'm starting to get nervous about my ability to do this, and I would be foolish to show up at 8,000 feet at the Grand Canyon Rim out of shape. 

Weight Watchers was really helpful to me, in terms of taking off the bulk of my extra weight, but it really requires a lot more counting and tracking than I have time to do, and I just can't afford the monthly fees.  I tried low carb, and found myself 20 pounds heavier.  So, I need a system that will be easy for a busy working Mom to keep up with, but isn't a complete free-for-all. Low carb, at least the version I followed, had very little structure, and I managed to cram in a lot of calories and fatty foods, and, despite what some people say, some of us are still sensitive to calories, period. This will require all of my willpower and motivation, and will also require, sigh, another investment of a new wardrobe when I am finished. I am wearing size 12 now, and I have a decent newish size 10 wardrobe packed away ready to activate, but below that, I have nothing.  I'm also not sure I'm ready, psychologically, to not be overweight.  On some level, the extra padding has provided some psychological comfort, and I may want to talk to a professional for a few sessions to troubleshoot how to handle being considered "not overweight", as bizarre as that sounds.  But, this time, the motivation is here, because any misstep on that trail could be potentially life threatening.

I may be one of these people that has to string a regular series of intense physical challenges to keep me motivated to be fit.  Obviously, having what some call a " bikini body" (and I saw a fabulous meme on FB that stated that we all have bikini bodies if we have a. a bikini, and b. a body) is not compelling enough to get me out of the Nutella jar.  There is some stubborn, resistant part of my psyche that believes losing weight means I no longer accept Body Positivity, and am, therefore, less of a feminist.  On the surface, this is a completely false dichotomy.  Wanting to live longer and feel vital and able to tackle physical challenges does not negate my feminism.  Why would I not want to have the ability to backpack and hike the Grand Canyon?  How am I a better feminist if I am winded climbing a flight of stairs?  Yet, despite the fact that I know this intellectually, I apparently have a metric ton of emotional baggage to unpack.  I wish there was a magic button I could press that would keep me from overthinking everything and would allow me to act within my best self-interest on matters of health.

Today, during my lunch hour, I chugged up and down 11 1/2 flights of stairs in the library 4 times, and still had time to dash out this blog entry.  For the younger people with whom I cached this weekend, this would have been effortless.  It was not effortless for me, but I completed this mission without too much trouble.  I'm 46.  I will never be 12 or 24 or even 35 again.  I have to measure my successes against the person I can be and not against some unachievable ideal.  But if 70 year olds can hike the AT and do the Grand Canyon, there is hope for me yet...

Rebooting...

During my early adult years, connecting with nature was where I found my passion.  My then-boyfriend, now-husband and I spent a few years kicking around Montana, Missoula, then Yellowstone National Park, then Bozeman, and then spent some time in Vermont before cracking down on furthering our education and finding a career. I asked for a top of the line backpack rather than an engagement ring, and we spent a good deal of time in the backcountry of the Rockies, as well as spring breaks in the Moab, Utah area.  I believe he enjoyed himself, though he tended to prefer actual comfortable lodging and day hikes to schlepping 30 pounds on his back for days at a time. We both accommodated each other well, and I will admit that curling up in a heated log cabin after a day of hiking or cross country skiing in the frigid air of Montana was often a relief.

After settling down with a full time job, and then, ultimately, starting a family, my ventures into the wilderness have been greatly reduced. I took up geocaching, and have been able to combine this hobby with long hikes, but most of my hikes are within 30 miles from the developed Triangle area, and there are times when I absolutely ache for mountains. Raising a child and paying a mortgage have strained our budgets, and moving all three of us across the country to trek through mountain wilderness is near impossible.

During those first couple of years after our daughter was born, I had this subconscious baggage about having any identity of my own outside motherhood and working. I felt selfish taking any time away from home.  Then, as my daughter became more independent, I had a brief spell of rebellion, and probably took too much time away from home.  Now my daughter is 8, and I am finding that she is an excellent outdoor companion.  We camp often, and I just took her on her first backpacking outing.  She was a delight, and it made my heart soar to watch her in the outdoors.

I am now trying to find a balance between parenthood and allowing myself to accommodate my yearning for rugged adventures.  Unfortunately, my husband is dealing with severe chronic back pain, and cannot tent camp or backpack.  While I am sad that we are limited in what we can do as a family, I am thrilled that my daughter and I can camp and backpack, and frankly, my spouse is probably relieved to have some alone time on occasional weekends to nurse his back.  Eventually, he will most likely require surgery.  I will be there to support him, and I desperately hope that he will heal, as he has lost his quality of life at the moment.

There is one item on my bucket list that is something I have to do alone.  I found an opening for two nights at the Phantom Ranch at the bottom of the Grand Canyon- in January.  While my daughter enjoys hiking, I know her well enough to know that the hike in and out is something that will have to wait a few years.  I also know that my husband can't attempt this now, and this is not something that seems to be on his own bucket list.  I will have to hike in alone, and there will probably be snow and ice for the first mile or two along the trail.  I booked a bunk in a dorm room, as I was fortunate to even find the space- any time of year, but I am experiencing very conflicting feelings about this.   Part of me feels intense guilt for abandoning my family and using some of our resources for 5 days in Arizona.  And, even though neither family member really feels the pull to do this, and I have my husband's support, I know that there is a part of him that is sad that I am going off to have an adventure alone.  Yet, I will be 47 in January, and something this rugged is not going to be any easier the longer I wait. I am not sure if the guilt I am experiencing is associated with being a woman and a mother, or if it is due to my general tendency to sublimate my own needs.  I am struggling to reconcile my need to nurture myself and occasionally reboot in a way that only solitude and nature provides with my desire to be a good mother and wife.

I do think that it is crucial that children see their parents as human beings who have identities and interests above and beyond parenting. I want my daughter to grow up to be a strong, independent woman, and what better way to encourage this than for her to see her mother still taking care of herself and her needs?

I have another trip planned for July, backpacking with a friend in the Smokies. My goal is to have a couple of these trips lined up each year; one close by (and cheap), and perhaps the other out West, where my spirit lives. And, the rest of the year, I will build in outings with my kid, and camping in the pop-up with the whole family, whenever we can work it in.  Taking care of my need for wilderness has helped me feel like a whole person, and feeling like a whole person has helped me to be a happier mother.  So, I encourage all adults, parents or not, to find that thing that gives them passion in life and nurture that, even if it is just an occasional indulgence.

Pining for the Ghosts of Republicans Past...

It's a sad day when a liberal pines for the days of Reagan, Ford, and William F. Buckley, but I find myself missing a time when Republicans were less angry, more articulate and more success-driven.  Though my childhood neighborhood was stuffed full of Republicans, their approach to child raising was almost identical to that of my liberal parents. Kids were encouraged to make good grades, get into the best college possible, and to succeed economically in the world.  We may have quibbled about the government's role in providing equal opportunities for all Americans and our tax structure, but we could carry on a conversation with our neighbors without coming home with the Picard facepalm.

Social media has afforded me the opportunity to check in on the lives of people with whom I had long lost touch, and the transformation of those who identify as staunch conservatives is often startling.  There are several I have observed who were once cheery, happy-go-lucky types who seem to only post conservative rants all day long.  Some of them would express outrage at Obama if he stated that the weather was nice on a given day.  I suppose, as a liberal, I should be disgusted, furious at their posts, but instead, I am saddened.  Some of these folks were the life of the party, and a delight to hang out with.  They were full of life, energy, and hope for the future, and now they seem bitter and far older than I feel.  Many of them always had conservative leanings, but they still were fun people.  Now, they rail at the world and seem as if they are two conservative memes away from having a heart attack.

Back in the 70s and 80s, Republican parents in my area were pushing their children to achieve.  Families celebrated when their kids were accepted to UVA, William and Mary, even the occasional Ivy.  Today, I have actually heard conservative parents discourage their children from attending college at all, due to the "liberal bias" on college campuses. I have seen conservative parents force their children to live in isolated bubbles, as if their children cannot be trusted with exposure to other points of view. I have heard conservative parents forbid their children to take courses that would actually increase their economic viability, simply because of dogmatic political viewpoints.  And that's where the Picard facepalm enters.  Conservatives supposedly embrace low taxes, self-reliance, and the pursuit of wealth.  And yet, many are blocking the opportunity for their children to pursue a path in life that would allow them to be competitive in a tough and global marketplace.  Your children are going to have to rub shoulders with a diverse group of folks when they enter the work world.  They will be exposed to people of all viewpoints, races, sexual orientations, and educational experiences.  If they are raised in a sheltered environment and kept from certain kinds of knowledge, they will be left behind in tomorrow's economic world.   I don't care if they strive to be a cashier at Wal-Mart; they will need to be able to relate well to all types of co-workers and customers, and growing up with seething, angry parents who try to restrict their world view will not prepare them for the changing demographics and workplace of the future.

I have written on this topic before, but a slate of posts on my News Feed in the past week have concerned me even more.  Some of these people are so driven to bash the Obamas for every utterance and action they make that they are now mocking the poor Nigerian schoolgirls who were kidnapped, simply because Michelle Obama posted a sign of support. When your political grudges lead to you making fun of a tragedy, you have crossed the line from conservative to utter, basement dwelling lunacy.  And I am floored that this point is lost on these people.  I am concerned for their state of mind and for the futures of their children.  And I am sad that these people appear to no longer be fun to share a beer with.  I can get along with most anyone, and I count a few Republicans among my friends and beloved family members.  If I cannot sit down and have a reasonable conversation with you, chances are that no one outside your bubble can either.

I am wondering what has happened to all the reasonable Republicans with whom I grew up.  Have they crossed to the dark side?  Are they laying low out of mortification, as their party grows increasingly outrageous and Honey Boo-Booish?  Have they become moderate Democrats?  Or have they just become politically apathetic?  It behooves all Republicans with a brain and a sense of logic to stand up against those who have tainted their party.  I cannot believe that my country club Republican neighbors are thrilled to have frothing, angry, embarrassing spectacles representing them. It is time for these reasonable Republicans to take their party back.  I miss having intellectual debates with the "other side", and I miss being able to affectionately agree to disagree.  And, most of all, I miss seeing some of these old friends from the past find delight and wonder in their lives. I hope that all this ranting on FB is just a release, and that they are truly happy in real life.  I doubt it.

Sadly, I suspect that conservative leaders  who occupy the 1% are pulling strings behind the scenes to manipulate economically marginalized white people in order to whip up their outrage, play on their deep-rooted prejudices, and distract them from acknowledging that they are basically getting screwed in the lottery of American life.  These Republican leaders have skillfully managed to convince these people to vote against their best economic self-interest, and to create an army of angry white people they can point in whatever direction suits the 1%.  For that, I have to credit them with strategic brilliance.  But that also makes them insidious and evil, and at the end, the army of angry white people will be as screwed as everyone else in the 99% as they happily march towards the slaughterhouse.

Bless my own heart...

There was a time when I was slightly ashamed of my Southern heritage and my own mannerisms and customs. As someone who believes strongly in human rights issues, I was mortified by our history of slavery and racism, and as a feminist, the whole "Southern Belle" thing rubbed me the wrong way, especially since I had inadvertently picked up some of these traits myself. The New England half of my family was refreshingly direct, and I believed, for a long time, that blunt honesty was preferable to our often symbolic and passive style of communication.  I noticed during my trips to Vermont the prevalence of women with natural faces, sensible hairstyles, preppy LL Bean wardrobes, and felt embarassed about my love of fashion and my tendency to wear makeup most of the time. I even found myself occasionally apologizing for being Southern.  "Did I just say "Bless her heart"?  Sorry, I'm Southern."

We are who we are and regional differences are delightful and make our country more culturally rich.  And, if we all lose our regional flair, our country will be so much duller for it.  I have already noticed that the younger generations of my North Carolina relatives have lost some of that Downeast accent, and, instead of local owner operated restaurants, everyone is eating at Hardee's and Golden Corral. The young folks are often not learning how to cook the recipes their grandmothers once cooked, and gardens full of okra, field peas, and butter beans are being replaced by the salmon pink tough tomatoes one buys at a chain grocery store.  This actually makes me very sad, as we are rapidly becoming Wal-Martized across America. When I travel, I always want to taste the local cuisine, and, though the larger cities usually have "regional" food restaurants, many small towns have nothing but the same chains I see everywhere else.

I have decided I will no longer apologize for being a woman from the South.  I no longer believe that my cultural attributes are weaknesses.  And though some of these mannerisms appear to contradict my professed feminism, I feel as much a feminist as anyone else, and I am finally at home in my own skin.

Some of my Southernisms:

I rarely leave the house without makeup, even if I am only wearing concealer and foundation with sunscreen.  Even if I am planning to geocache in a swamp all day wearing chest waders, I am going to "put on my face".  Yes, I say "put my face on".

I actually refuse to wear white shoes between Labor Day and Memorial Day.

I believe that etiquette and diplomacy are of the utmost importance.  If I have to confront you about something, I am going to say something positive at the beginning and at the end.  I believe that "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar". 

I sometimes find it challenging to communicate with Northerners without getting my feelings bent out of shape.  My upbringing taught me that how you say something is as, if not more important than what you say.  If you come at me with blunt and direct feedback, I feel somewhat intimidated and just shut down.  I often find it difficult to directly confront others, and sometimes keep things to myself to "keep the peace". I am not weak; it's just something pounded into the heads of Southern girls as they grow up. Don't get me wrong- I love my Northern people as much as my Southern people, and half of my heritage is about as far north as one can get without crossing into Canada.  But I grew up in Virginia, and so I absorbed more of the southern communication style.

I will never dress anyone down in front of others.  Never.  I will not disturb an event or gathering with a public tantrum.  I WILL say something one on one, but I was taught that it is incredibly rude to air one's dirty laundry in public. Unless you publicly insult my Mama, Daddy, husband, kid, or friends.  And then, all bets are off.  I can go from diplomat to Mama Bear in about 5 seconds flat.

When someone DOES cause a public disturbance, it is completely awkward and uncomfortable for me, even if I am not involved.  I want to crawl in a hole.  I want to pull the offender aside and give them an Emily Post etiquette book.  And, when it happens, I try to smooth things over with humor and deflection.  I feel it's my responsibility to be "the hostess" at all times.

I often feel that people who invoke "authenticity" and "keeping it real" as an explanation for their overt bluntness are making excuses for being rude.  Say what you need to say, but there is no need to say it in a hurtful manner.

I believe that food should be involved in everything, and is closely tied to fellowship.  I may not be able to ease your grief after a death, but dangit, I can make some cake or potato salad. I believe that a cookie can make a kid forget their boo boos.

I believe that slips and proper lingerie complete an outfit, and I believe that there is a difference between looking "sexy" and looking like you are not fully dressed. And somehow, I can hold these views while still embracing those women who prefer a more androgynous, even butch presentation, and I don't believe in slut shaming.  I don't know how I have been able to do this, but I somehow have.

I believe that women of all sizes can present themselves beautifully, and that size should not be a barrier to finding flattering clothing and feeling fabulous.  This may not seem like a "southern" custom, but have you ever visited a southern church and seen ladies of all sizes with their dresses and hats? I do think we are a bit more forgiving of a little extra padding than some other regions.  We eat fried food all the time; how can we not be?

Hoppin' John, okra, grits, fried chicken, biscuits, BBQ, nana puddin', pork products.  I love them all.

I tend to proceed anything critical with "Bless his or her heart".

It is difficult for me to ask people for help, and when I do, I tend to proceed it with "If it's not too much trouble, would you mind...."

I worry a good bit about offending people.  I take the time, even when writing, to try to frame things diplomatically.  I worry that this blog entry will offend somebody. I'm not worried enough to not post it, but there you go.

While I would like to work a little bit on being comfortable with directly telling people when things they do bother me and on advocating for my needs, I am pretty much at peace with the rest of this.  It's who I am; it's how I was raised, and I have tried to take the best of my heritage and discard that which I don't like. And if you don't like the way I dress, carry myself, or communicate, well... bless your heart...

Ugh at bows and ruffles

My kiddo is about 75% tomboy.  She will wear a dress, perhaps, twice a year.  When she does wear "girl clothes", she favors a rocker/punk girl look, with skinny jeans, a modern blouse or girl's funky t-shirt, and a short shrug on top.  She has her own unique sense of style, and we only interfere when she is dressed completely inappropriately, i.e., too small/tight clothes, shorts in the middle of winter, etc. Each morning, I ask her "boy or girl clothes", and we proceed according to her desires.  Some days, she tells me she wants to change her gender; other days, she says she wants to be more "girly".  I realize it's quite common for girls to wish they were boys; often it's a stage.  If it continues when she reaches adolescence, I may take her to a counselor, if only to work through whatever social issues her gender identity may cause, and to make peace with whomever she is meant to be.

My HUGE pet peeve is that finding clothes that please her is near impossible, at least in our budget. For example, if she needs a pair of tennis shoes, her choices appear to be the pink/lavender/white spectrum, usually with girly trim, OR extremely traditionally masculine colors and styles.  Grown women have a variety of colors and options from which to choose.  Those who prefer a classic, more unisex style can go to LL Bean or Eddie Bauer and find non-girly women's shoes, and how many of us have a ton of basic black shoes? S loves to wear black, and we often have to hunt around a great deal to find items similar to what her mother wears.  I find a pair of what appears to be basic girls' jeans, and they are ruined for S because of pink piping or flowers that appear somewhere.  We then check the boy's section, but the designs are TOO boyish for her, and, frankly, the fit is different.  She has a girl's body, not a boy's.

My own style ranges from girly to punkish/goth to outdoorsy unisex.  But I have options for all of these moods.  I can peruse LL Bean for those New England preppy days, the Gap, Banana Republic, and Old Navy for dressing down while still wearing female silhouettes, and a ton of stores that cater to my love of glam/retro/girly dress-up gear.  But S?   It is a huge headache locating anything that doesn't pigeonhole her into girly girl or drag king boy clothes.  Neither of these are intrinsically wrong- there are a lot of kids who LIKE these items, but there are a lot of kids who fall through the cracks.

Why do we feel the need to pigeonhole kids into girly girl or uber-masculine boy, when, in fact, we don't feel the need to do so for older kids and adults? Are we being prescriptive?  "You are a girl, so you have to wear pink and bows." "You are a boy, so your clothes have to have transportation and space themes." And clothing for toddlers is even worse.  The princess theme was shoved down our throats, and S would have preferred a black t-shirt with aliens to the Trifecta of Disney Princesses.

Gift time is often frustrating.  Though I am grateful for all the gifts we receive,  it is not necessary to purchase pink Legos for my daughter, and sometimes, little girls would rather play with trucks than dolls.  Sometimes, little boys like to play with dolls.  The most egregious example I've seen are a set of twins that are boy/girl.  The girl is constantly presented with PINK everything, while the boy gets the BOY counterpart.  He gets toolsets while she gets jewelry kits, as if the world will fall apart if she picks up the toolset and he picks up the jewelry.  They often get identical gifts, but hers has to be girl colored and his has to be boy colored, as if there is no way they know what gender they are without reminders.  God forbid kids raised this way have gender identification issues.

Again, I am not judgmental of those kids who intrinsically prefer  items that match their gender.  Many girls are naturally girly, and many boys are naturally masculine.  But it shouldn't be so difficult for those on different areas of the gender identity spectrum to find clothes and toys that please them.  There is no reason there can't be lots of jean options for girls that are just plain jeans.  I find myself constantly frustrated.  There are specialty stores that have great clothes my kid would like, but they tend to be higher end, and I don't believe in forking out huge amounts of money on clothes for fast growing children.

Kids are hopefully going to eventually discover their own personal style.  As they begin to buy clothing that fits adults, they can easily find items that suit them.  So, why start them out with this prescriptive "This is how you should be a girl" or "This is how you should be a boy" box?

Almost didn't have the time to write this blog entry...

It occurs to me that one of the phrases I seem to utter the most these days is "I wish I had time to...".  With a one hour commute each way to work, a full 9 hour day, and evenings spent keeping my ADHD-addled 8 year old focused on completing her homework, the laundry often lies in piles around the house, the dishes pile up in the sink, the house looks vaguely like something one sees on a TLC TV show, and free time eludes me.  My respite is our agreed upon "one night off" each week, an hour or so of TV time at night after the kiddo finally falls asleep, and our every other weekend "date night" when the kid sleeps over at her grandmother's house.  Weekends should provide a little down time, but they are often spent catching up on the housework that has piled up all week.  I had some vague notion that adult life would be far more structured and scheduled than my college life, but I had no clue each day would be as taxing as it is,  nor that I would find myself completely unable to stay on top of the very basics.

We have many friends who have a 2 working parent household.  I am sure they are equally exhausted, but their homes do not resemble the chaos of ours, and they seem to have things together.  I want to find a way to ratchet down the disorganization and confusion, but we would probably have to take a week off with the kiddo in a day camp in order to make a dent in the deep cleaning and to create an organizational system that would help us manage the disorientation.  Sometimes, it takes half an hour to locate a pencil to do math homework, or I'm 20 minutes late for work because I cannot locate a single pair of socks.

Given that our friends seem to have at least the appearance of a "system", I am not quite sure what we're doing wrong.  Week to week, we struggle to keep up with the minimum of the laundry and dishes, and the deep, long term projects are shifted to the back burner, where they pile up to an undaunting level.  When we have last-minute company, we shove our debris in garbage bags, where it builds up in the garage.  I purchase items like nail clippers, tweezers, and socks multiple times per year because we cannot seem to find them. I desperately want to win the battle over chaos, but I look around and am so overwhelmed and intimidated that I don't even know where to begin.  When one is only home up until 7:00 am in the morning and after 6:00 pm, dinner needs to be cooked, dishes need to be loaded, and homework needs to be completed, there is no time leftover to tackle the "lower priority" projects, such as filing paperwork, cleaning baseboards, washing windows, and organization of school materials. Yet, others manage.  I can tackle many things that intimidate others, such as flying alone to England to do research in a subject area in which I have no expertise, or collecting degrees, but I cannot seem to get organized. Both my husband and I are cut from the same cloth, as is our daughter, so we all kind of flail about and try to keep our heads above water.

One area of my life that has really suffered lately is my recreational life. My one hobby, geocaching, has taken a backseat over the past 6 months, as I seem to have no time to pursue it. About once a month, I head out on a weekend day to cache with friends, but other than that, I can't squeeze it in, and frankly, my family needs me more. I have friends with kids who manage to get out and cache every weekend, and who seem to be able to take off out of town without their kids frequently.  How they manage this,  I do not know, and I am not willing to treat my marriage as if we are two separated people who trade off the kids constantly so that they can go off and do their own thing.  I think my husband and I lived that way for a couple of years, and it took its toll on the kiddo.  One day she asked me why we didn't do more as a family, and I took her question to heart.  As much as I miss getting together with folks to hunt for Tupperware in the woods, I have seen improvement in my child's behavior since we've started spending our weekends together as a family. Every child is different.  Those folks I know who spend a good deal of time away from their kids may have children who are pretty independent.  My child is not one of those kids. I suspect that, in some cases, the regular absence of a parent takes its toll on the family, but hobbies can become addictive. I assume that, in a few years, she'll hit her adolescent years and will want to be off with her own friends more often.  And, I assume that I'll miss the days when she wanted to spend all her time with me.

For now, I regret that my friendships are somewhat on hold, that I don't have much autonomous time, but I accept that I signed up for family life and a full time job, and things are as they need to be.  What I need to find, though, is a way to control some of the household chaos that causes us all to stress, as we struggle to get out the door in the morning.  I probably spend as much time hunting for lost objects as I would spend to get organized, but I don't even know where to begin.

If we didn't need any more proof that private college tuition is far overpriced...

I read an article today about a Duke University student, "Lauren", who is funding her Duke education through working as an adult film performer.  She is an aspiring law student, and a Republican, and wanted to graduate debt-free.

"Word of her part-time job spread across campus after one of her classmates, Thomas Bagley, recognized her while watching porn, according to an article in The Chronicle, Duke’s student newspaper. “Lauren” confirmed the information when Bagley approached her, and asked him to keep her identity a secret.
Instead, he told others at a fraternity rush event, according to the article.
“The storm began when I came back to school from Christmas break, happy and confident in myself,” she wrote in the op-ed.
She first noticed an uptick in Facebook friend requests. Then a fellow student followed her alter ego on Twitter.
“When I got the notification, my heart stopped,” she wrote."

A few general comments...

First of all, this Thomas Bagley character is clearly a douchebag for revealing her identity when she asked him not to do so.

Second, and this is an aside, I hope this "Lauren" can resolve the fact that the Republican party is generally not noted for progressive attitudes towards women's sexuality and towards the sex industry, period. I can't imagine most Republicans opening their hearth and home to a porn star.

Third, though I support the rights of sex workers and have no issues with people making porn, I think it's naive for anyone in this industry to have any expectation of privacy. There is a reason that performing in the porn industry pays so well- there is a known risk of STDs, and there is a general stigma in society against it.  Were porn work considered a respectable profession, undoubtedly, it wouldn't pay as well.  Heck, most of us enjoy sex, and it has to be more pleasant work than flipping burgers.  In a world with no judgment, most of us would rather make our money doing something we already enjoy doing than we would, say, grave digging or scrubbing toilets.  If she is going to reap the financial benefits that come from performing in the sex industry, she needs to own her decision and accept the risk of discovery.  If a friend had an opportunity to become a porn star and asked for my advice, I'd ask her the following.  Can you think of a situation, either present or future, when you might not want the general public to know you had sex in front of a camera? Can you live with the probability that you'll be outed, now, or perhaps even 20, 30 years down the road?  How would you feel if your secret stayed locked away for years, but any potential children you might have might learn from school friends that their mother did a film called "Anal Annie Get Your Gun"?  If you are comfortable with all of this, by all means, proceed.  If there's even one tiny part of you that might be embarassed or ashamed, or if this could affect whatever future career you are seeking, then, for goodness sakes, don't do it.  Nothing stays secret in the internet age.  There are some who are comfortable living on the edge and live loud and proud.  These are the people who should be filming porn.  If you're a sex positive activist- if you intend to raise any children you may have in an open, sexually free home environment without shame or regret, you are a good candidate for porn.  If you have no intention of ever having a career that discriminates against sex workers, you are a good candidate for porn.  Someone who is saving money to open their own tattoo studio? Awesome.  Someone who is working towards being a district attorney, a pediatrician, or a kindergarten teacher?  Not so much.  I don't write the rules, I just live in the real world.

I give "Lauren" a pass here because she's very young.  I don't think I fully thought through the consequences of my life decisions until I neared 30. And I feel bad for her that she was outed.  She should not be harassed by the other students, though I fear that she'll be treated with a lack of respect from here on out. I understand why she wouldn't want that information out there.  But I hope this experience has taught her that one cannot make porn and have any expectation of anonymity.  And if she can make peace with that, by all means, get out there and make porn.  Otherwise, there are other employment options out there, but the "safer" jobs are not going to pay as much or offer the option to graduate debt-free. Or, heck, she can transfer to that public university down the road, which offers an excellent education. It's all about choices.

Who rules the roost?

For some reason that has nothing to do with my own life, I've lately been pondering whether parents should make all of their life decisions based on child-centered criteria, or if they should make decisions based on what they, the parents, want and need, and have a parent-centered family.  I'm not talking about spoiling your child, letting him or her run the household, or dictate purchases "Mummy, I want a pony!" I'm talking about big issues, such as divorce, when it's just a matter of vague dissatisfaction, choice of mate, if divorced, major relocation decisions that are based on anything other than absolute necessity, and other big life adult decisions that can affect children.

In times past, parents ruled the roost, and the kids were expected to suck it up and adjust.  Children were not consulted, and often not considered when parents made major life decisions.  This reached an extreme for those of us in Generation X, who saw parents divorcing because they just didn't feel the passion any more, or they just needed to find themselves, or their sex lives weren't fabulous.  I saw children of divorce whose custodial parent would just take off and move out of state for a better job opportunity or for a change of scenery, and the child was then effectively cut off from their other parent. 

Baby boomers began a shift to a child-centered family, and, of course, we now hear constantly about "helicoptered" and pampered kids who often have difficulty severing the umbilical cord and thinking independently.  I reject the idea that the kids should be in charge of the main family decisions, but I also reject the idea that parents need to seek some vague need for fulfillment at all costs.

I tend to see divorce as something that should be reserved for cases where the children are better off with two parents living separately than together. Violence, rampant infidelities, conditions that are so bad that the kids feel the effects of the marital misery, would all be valid reasons to sever a marriage.  There are cases where parents divorce because they have an unrealistic expectation of what a long term marriage will feel like.  They lose their little flutters, and meet someone else who makes them tingle and spark, and off they go.  If there is a good, solid partnership between the parents, and they both genuinely LIKE each other, I believe they should fight tooth and nail to save their marriage and put off the "butterflies" until the kids have left home.  I especially believe this in cases where the parents delayed marriage. Sorry, but if you married at 35, you had plenty of years to begin and end relationships as you pleased.  You can just suck it up for the sake of your kids and make it work, unless your children are traumatized by the atmosphere at home.  Marriage can be excruciatingly hard, but those of us who are married signed up for it and had children under the assuption that we would give our kids a stable, two parent family.  I make some exceptions, of course.  If there is violence in the home, the marriage should be ended immediately.  If one of the partners is heartbroken because they are married to a serial cheater, then it's time to separate.  If the couple can navigate an implictly or explicitly open marriage, more power to them.  But a partner who is devastated by constant infidelity and deception is not likely to be able to parent with a full deck, and that tension will rub off on the kids.  And if one or both parents are so miserable at home that they have essentially checked out, and counseling doesn't help, then I think the kids are better off with divorce.

I wonder often about divorced parents entering the dating field.  Should a parent keep seeing someone that their children abhor? Should they marry someone their children abhor?  Should they even be introducing their children to a new romantic interest until it is looking very serious? To be perfectly honest, were I divorced, I'd probably date discreetly and keep my child out of it until the partner looked like marriage material.  I would not mention anything about dating, nor would I introduce the two.  Children get attached to adults, and how do children feel when they continually bond to partners that then disappear? Would I drop someone that my daughter didn't like?  If she absolutely could not stand a potential mate,  I would not want to deal with the stress that would ensue; nor would I think it fair to subject my daughter to pure misery living in a home with someone she despised.  She comes first, period.  If she tended to not like ANY potential mates?  We'd need to seek counseling, because I'm not sure that is a level of sacrifice that a child should ask a parent to make.

Some people seem to think that giving children a say about your major life choices is inappropriate, and ends up spoiling them.   I would say that I hope I will always give my child a voice- to take her opinion into account, but I would make the final decision, and I would try to always make decisions that were responsible and best for her.

When worlds collide... To post, or not to post?

When I first joined Facebook in 2007, my friends list was rather small.  Though I wasn't an "early" adopter, the "old folks" had not yet discovered Facebook, and most people I knew were still heavily using Myspace and perfecting fake names, the duck-faced selfie, and using lime green fonts over yellow backgrounds.  As more people from my present and past joined, there was a constant flurry of friend requests.  Old high school buddies, college buddies, professional associates, and, eventually, my older relatives became friends.  I am one to always keep people compartmentalized.  I like my worlds to NOT collide, thank you very much. It's not that I am phony to any group of people. I never present a side of me that isn't authentic.  But my recreational self communicates a little differently than my professional self, as well as the part of me that communicates with aunts and uncles.  Context is everything.  The kinds of links that my old, often delightfully skewed high school and college friends would find hilarious might evoke crickets or even raised eyebrows from my parents or from people with whom I serve on professional committees.  And posts about my profession will just cause my outside work friends to yawn.  Additionally, I have some passionate political causes that probably make some of my more conservative relatives gnash their teeth.  I don't apologize for my beliefs, but I have no desire to create rifts with people about whom I care deeply.

There are workarounds for this, of course.  One can create an endless number of groups and exclude this group and that group from various and sundry posts, but I hate having to think every time I post as to whom might be offended by what.  It's exhausting, and it has made my Facebook life a bit of a drag.  I feel that I have to constantly censor myself.

In the beginning, I didn't turn down anyone's friend requests.  I was new to Facebook, and I didn't really think through the implications of having people from so many areas in my life all thrown into one big stew.

I know some people who have had to deal with the fallout of having bosses and co-workers see some of their posts.  One friend was called on the carpet after posting some not-so-glowing things about her job and co-workers.  Her boss had been handed a printout anonymously.  While I am adamant about never complaining about work on FB, she tends to be an open book and had whittled many co-workers from her friends list already.  Whomever handed over her post was someone she apparently trusted. I've had other friends who have had fallouts with relatives and close friends over politics.  At some point, I fear my FB activity may be limited to results to quizzes such as "Which Barney character are you?" and pictures of cute kittehs. This makes me a little sad, as I have rebuilt many friendships with people with whom I had lost touch, and have enjoyed interacting with a diverse group of friends for 6 years now.

I am aware that many people now have a blanket policy of not friending co-workers.  I started a new job in August, and thought a good bit about how I would approach the "Facebook dilemma" in a new position. I decided that I would let people decide whether or not they wanted to shoot me friend requests.  As they come in, I accept these requests, but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by forcing them to have to tell me they just don't friend co-workers.  Additionally, my position is tenure track, and involves a significant amount of peer review. I am a wee bit hesitant for someone who is called upon to review my effectiveness to have seen pictures of me drinking a beer at a caching event where a couple of the guys are randomly sporting tutus.  As I have accepted my co-workers friend requests, more people with whom I work will stumble onto my profile.  If they want to extend an invite, that's great, but I am just going to allow this to work itself out organically.  Because I don't trash my workplace, over-emote, or use "colorful language" on Facebook, there really isn't anything  I post that is truly damaging.  I guess I am beginning to adjust to the fact that all of our worlds collide in the 21st century.  I am learning to present a public face that is appropriate for all areas of my life.  There is always FB Messenger, gchat, and e-mail for having private conversations, and drama does NOT belong on social media anyway. Just because something passes through my head does not mean it needs to be posted for the world to see. 

I still refuse to keep politics off Facebook.  My belief system is part of who I am, and I believe I need to publicly stand for what I believe is right. I support basic human rights for all, and can get pretty worked up over gender equality, sexual orientation equality, and compassionate treatment for the poor. Luckily, I work in a profession that is predominantly made up of progressives, and I've finally decided that if conservative friends and relatives cannot accept me for who I am, I don't need to have them in my lives.  They certainly tend to not tone their beliefs down, and I have always been able to find things I share in common with people, rather than to focus on our differences. 

The one thing I cannot control is what others post on my wall.  I could lock it down, but I would miss so much in the process.  Sometimes, people post graphics with which I essentially agree, but that contain words that would be offensive to people like my parents. I wish people could understand the importance of context.  I may use the "F" word around my friends and a few of my family members, but it is not part of my work vocabulary, nor do I use it at family reunions.  I have started deleting any wall posts that I think might cause me problems.  I don't need co-workers bumping into overtly sexual content or potentially offensive language on my wall. I will usually message the person who made the post in question and say, "I love ya, and I thought it was hilarious, but I had to delete it. I just have too many people as FB friends who might take offense."

So, I have this constant struggle of deciding whether "to friend or not to friend" and how authentic and open I want to be on social media. I know it's an extreme "First World Problem", but we're all grappling with this right now.  What we post takes on a life of its own.  People have been fired for their FB posts, and sometimes, posts go viral.  There is no such thing as "privacy" on the Internet. I have seen friends take posts from other friends and send them to people who are not friends of the original poster.  Don't think that anything you post online will remain secret.  Use your brain and post sensibly.

Sunday adventure- no devices

This weekend, my 8 year old daughter surprised me by stepping away from Minecraft, taking my hand, and asking me if I would go explore with her in the woods. I have been trying to get all of us to put our ever-present devices down for months, and I have sorely missed the adventures we used to have more frequently before she discovered games and before my husband and I stared at our phones so often.  I was feeling a little lazy and unfocused, and at first, I balked. I confess that, at times, I am so worn out at the end of the week that I take the path of least resistance.  But, I knew I couldn't let her down, and I put on my hiking clothes and set out with her.  My husband came along, but stayed near the house and focused on trail clearing so that we could have some Mommy/daughter bonding time.

Our home is on 2 acres in a wooded setting. Behind the house, behind our land, are hundreds of uncleared, undeveloped acres.  If you traverse this land out to the main road and cross it, there are probably at least a thousand more acres of woods.  There is a good deal of land in our part of the county that does not perc, and, given we have no city water, the land cannot be developed.  I could probably construct a 5 mile hike that only crosses our small road once, though most of this hike would be bushwhacking.  In fact, I have been disoriented and lost more than a couple of times, once approaching dusk.  I almost cried with relief when I finally saw a road in the distance. This time, given that I had an 8 year old in tow, I stuffed my phone in my pocket.  I figured that the GPS and maps function on my phone would be a safe last resort.  We followed the trail system that my husband and other neighbors have created, and soon stepped off into a deep grove of hardwood trees, followed by piney scrub. My daughter brought along her binoculars, and we occasionally sat on logs and looked for birds.  There were several climbing trees, and we both challenged ourselves by scaling them.  We found small quartz rocks and slipped some into our backpacks.

I asked her, "How would you like to get lost and try to find our way out?" She was thrilled by the prospect of being lost explorers.  I decided to not let her know I had GPS technology tucked away.  We forged on, deeper into the woods, far away from the trail system.  We crossed several streams. Occasionally, I could hear the sound of a car in the distance, but as we pushed further into undeveloped land, these sounds became faint and muffled.

We rested on a fallen log. I slipped a package of cheese crackers into her hand.  Crumbs spilled for the birds.  After another half hour, we reached the end of Hawk Ridge Road.  We crossed the road and entered the woods on the other side.  The trees grew larger, the streams wider, the thorns sharper.  I knew that, eventually, if we walked roughly parallel to the road that approaches our neighborhood, we'd bump into my mother's property in another half mile or so. It must have taken 45 minutes to bushwhack through that half mile, and we both had thorn cuts when we saw her backyard fence in the distance.  We walked through the back gate and let ourselves in.  I called my husband, who had no idea why we had been gone so long, and he drove over to pick us up.  We returned home, made hot chocolate and snacks, and snuggled on the sofa.  She asked me, "Aren't you glad we put our devices down and went on an adventure?"  I gave her a hug and a kiss and put my feet up, as she rested her head on my shoulder.

Not so boldly going where no one has gone before...

I have been a fan of the Star Trek franchise ever since my husband first introduced me to TNG in the early 90s.  I watched a few episodes of the OS as a child and enjoyed them, but didn't go out of my way to seek them out.  As we did not own a television at the time, we used to watch reruns TNG at our neighbor's apartment in Missoula every day and came over for the weekly show in prime time.  When DS9 started, we watched that as well, and continued through part of Voyager, though the whole "Lost in Space" theme eventually wore on us.  Recently, we have been watching Enterprise, as we missed it when it was on during the early 2000s.  We've seen all the movies, and I would say I am fairly invested in the canon.

Star Trek was ahead of its time, in terms of how minorities were represented.  The Kirk/Uhura kiss was both controversial and groundbreaking.  Many networks in the South refused to air that episode.  Voyager featured a female captain, and DS9's commander was African-American.  Each series had minorities on the crew, and their ethnicity was never a big deal.  They were characters who just happened to be of color, and one assumed that in the future, diversity was a natural part of life. I always appreciated how much of a non-issue race was in Star Trek.

So, given the visionary way that race has been portrayed in Star Trek, it is surprising that the franchise has skirted the issue of homosexuality.  The shows have played it safe.  There have been a few instances where the show flirts with gender norms.  The TNG episode "The Outcast" shows Riker falling in love with an asexual character, though the actor is clearly female, and the character violates its species' social norms by identifying as a woman.  Dax on DS9 has a relationship with a woman, though Dax is a Trill inhabited by a male, and Lenara, her love interest, is inhabited by a female Trill. Dr. Beverly Crusher has a relationship with a Trill whose host is male.  When he dies and is hosted by a female, she cannot continue the relationship.  In the DS9 episode "Crossover", Kira's mirror character in the alternate reality is portrayed as bisexual, though her character is considered "evil".  And I have read that the Enterprise character Malcolm Reed was originally slated to be gay, but that the producers ultimately decided against it.

Why has Star Trek, a franchise generally considered to be progressive, avoided dealing with bisexuality or homosexuality in any meaningful way? Are we to believe that homosexuality does not exist in the future?  Given estimates that up to 10% of the population identifies as gay, there should have been at least a few gay characters in the franchise, even if minor. I have read the reactions and comments of the fans, and they range from a similar concern to false arguments that "a character's sexuality shouldn't be portrayed on this show".

I call this a logical fallacy because, in fact, the sexuality of Star Trek characters have already been portrayed.  We have seen many one-shot hookups between male and female characters on all the shows, and have watched several long term relationships.  Frankly, all the characters are assumed to be straight.  If we are not to see the personal lives of crew members, as the fans have implied when others note that there are no gay and lesbian characters, then we should not have seen Kirk chasing skirts, Worf involved with Troi and later Dax, or any of the other on-screen romances that have been regularly portrayed.  I have also seen fans stating that they don't want to see gay people rubbed into their faces.  Frankly, I am guessing that gay characters would be portrayed just as were minority characters.  If they are on the show, they should just be there.  Their orientation would most likely not be an issue for anyone, and their romantic storylines should be treated just as any other character.  Even the sight of an obviously gay couple in the background in a dining hall would be a welcome step.  It doesn't have to be a BIG ISSUE.

I will give the original series a pass.  Gay characters just weren't shown on TV shows, and the interracial kiss was enough of a big deal at the time.  Even in TNG, I think it might have been an issue with the network to show an openly gay character.  This was before "Will and Grace" and "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", and it was quite rare to see LGBT people on TV.  But for goodness sake, by the time we reached "Enterprise", it was high time to have at least one LGBT character. And there's no excuse for the issue to be avoided in the reboot films.  I don't expect to see flaming gay characters running about the ship yelling "Fabulous!", but I expect that there could be at least one character who just happens to be LGBT.  Heck, start with a hot woman- a Seven of Nine or T'Pol type.  Even homophobic guys could get on board with that.

This is not, as I've seen mentioned, a "quota" issue.  The Star Trek world has been lauded for featuring human diversity ahead of its time, and LGBT people are part of the fabric that makes up the world's diverse populations.

I have read several articles about the lack of LGBT characters on Star Trek, and have been disappointed to see the number of hateful, homophobic responses in the comments section.  Some say that, obviously, in the future, "sicknesses" like homosexuality have been cured.  Others say they would refuse to watch Star Trek if it "gayed itself up" with even one character.  We have a long, long way to go, but I am hoping that if another Star Trek series emerges, it will take a risk and present true diversity.

Please don't "gift" me with your child's giftedness

I have been pondering lately the age-old issue of bragging parents.  I live in an area where people tend to be highly educated, and there is often a sense of competition between parents.  They will either outright inform you as to how brilliant and accomplished their children are, or they will humblebrag "It can be such a challenge to keep up with little Hugo's high IQ.  I am exhausted trying to find appropriately complex literature for him to read, as he is reading at the 12th grade level, though he's only 8." Some parents, within the very first conversation, find crafty ways to leak out that their child is designated "gifted" in school.

Seriously? Knock it the **** off.  If your child is truly gifted, we all are able to tell as soon as we interact with them.  They tend to have impressive vocabularies, and interact with adults more easily than they do other children.  We know if your child is gifted.  And, I'm happy for you, if so.  But when you notify FB that your little one is mastering calculus in 5th grade, it's a ridiculous attention grab, and it just looks like you are living your life through your offspring. It's not as if you need to keep your child's intelligence a sworn secret, but constant bragging turns people off you, and it turns people off your child, and I am sure you don't want people to resent you both.

I was talking to a friend about this recently who really does have a passel of genius children, and she said that she will often brag about acts of kindness or good character, but avoids bragging about their brainpower.  I think telling people about the good choices your child makes is perfectly acceptable, as tje strength of one's character is far more important and bragworthy than their native intelligence.  You see, your kid didn't DO anything to be born brilliant. It was luck of the draw or good genes.  But there are plenty of geniuses who are douchecanoes, so someone's IQ doesn't particularly impress me.

 So, just ratchet it down a notch and let us discover your child's gifts for ourselves.  Please.

Is it high time for high times?

I saw some discussion on Facebook last night regarding the legalization of marijuana.  I was reasonably certain that most of my peers considered legalizing pot a no-brainer, but was surprised to see a friend who is normally like-minded speak against it. 

Note that I am no fan of pot on a personal level. I tried it a few times in high school, and absolutely loathed the physical sensations that occurred in my body and brain.  I became paranoid, ate like there was not enough food in the world, and even had full-blown panic attacks.  By the time I left for college, I decided against further experimentation.  My substance of choice is a good craft beer, and even so, I limit myself to no more than 2 or 3 in a week, if that.  I do not like feeling out of control, and I certainly don't enjoy waking up in the morning with a splitting headache.

That said, I cannot support the criminalization of marijuana when, in fact, alcohol abuse takes a greater toll on Americans.  I have never heard of anyone beating their spouse while high; nor do I read about accidents caused by high drivers to the degree that I read about drunk driving.  Most of the people I know who smoke pot use the substance much as I would enjoy a good beer a couple of times a week.  If someone wants to catch a buzz in moderation, I certainly don't consider it my business to object.  I do have a few friends who have been stoners for years, and some of them seem to have blown out their brain cells.  It's sad to me to talk to friends who have essentially lost memories of our good times as young people.  With a couple, I have served as their institutional memory.  However, I have other old friends who have damaged their liver drinking, abused their bodies with overconsumption of unhealthy foods and are now dealing with many health issues, and I know people who have serious impulse control issues when it comes to sex. I know people who are still smoking well into their 40s and 50s.  Shall the government forbid eating at McDonald's?  Promiscuous sex?  Alcohol? I have no interest in living in a Nanny state; nor do I have any interest in watching my tax dollars fund the police time and inprisonment of people who have been caught possessing a single joint.

Legalizing marijuana allows the quality of the substance to be regulated, provides revenue that could be used for substance abuse programs, and saves the taxpayer money on pointless law enforcement. Indeed, many states are already moving in this direction, and, in fact, many have allowed for medical use of marijuana, even if recreational use is still forbidden.  Most of us are aware that pot can ease the pain of cancer, but I also know a few women who swear that a joint or two can relieve pre-menstrual cramps.  I have not known a single person who has declined to use pot merely because it is illegal or have had a difficult time locating a dealer, if they are so motivated.  Yes, there may be young people out there who are afraid to try it for the fear of serving jail time, but I also believe that pot should still be illegal for minors, just as is alcohol.

As cigarette smoking declines, many tobacco farmers are struggling to make a living.  From what I understand, hemp is an easy crop to grow, and is less taxing on the soil than is tobacco.  I know nothing about growing marijuana for smoking purposes, but I have certainly seen my share of plants in peoples' homes.

My one concern about the legalization of marijuana is that I suspect that big business will take control of the industry, and I hope that individuals will be able to grow their own.  I abhor Big Tobacco, and I would certainly hate to see Big Marijuana dominate the industry. 

Some people will make the "slippery slope" argument and ask, "What is next? Legalizing crack? heroin?"  We already have legalized alcohol, and I don't hear anyone begging to make crack legal.  I put marijuana in a much different category than I do hard drugs.  It's really, in my opinion, parallel to wine, beer, or spirits.  I don't know many people who make occasional, recreational use of crack or heroin.  You are either a non-user or an addict.  Marijuana CAN be addictive, just like alcohol or tobacco, but it is not addictive to the same degree as are hard drugs.

The argument about marijuana being a "gateway drug" does not resonate for me either.  If it is, than wouldn't alcohol also be a "gateway drug"? They are both potentially mind-altering substances.  Those who consider pot to be a gateway drug are, in my opinion, confusing correlation with causation.  It is true that many users of hard drugs started with pot, but I would argue that a person who is likely to fall into abuse of hard drugs is also a person who would be likely to use pot, and since pot is usually easier to obtain, it would make sense that their first exploration into drug use would start here.

I suspect that I am preaching to the choir for the vast majority of my friends who may ever stumble upon this blog, but I felt particularly inspired this morning to post about this issue.