A very interesting article is circulating around FB right now, mostly being posted by folks who have made the decision to opt out of parenthood. Apparently, child free adults are being, basically, interrogated by parents who are absolutely flummoxed and disturbed that there are those who prefer to live a full, rich life without taking on the role of parenthood.
I absolutely cannot understand why all adults are expected to procreate, and am even more baffled as to why people think it's okay to question these adults' decision. Not everyone feels they are cut out for parenthood, for a variety of reasons, and wouldn't we rather these people who do not want children to not have children? Do we want people who have no interest in parenting to raise children they don't want? And, how can we tell them that once the baby arrives, they'll be grateful they had a child? Are we fortune tellers?
When raising children was considered mandatory, and before birth control was widely available, there were a lot of horrifically lousy parents. I have heard horror stories from adults my parents' (or grandparents, when they were alive) age about children running around who were unsupervised, unloved, and abused by parents who were not really good candidates for reproduction. And, in fact, children are abused today by parents who should not have had kids, period. This is not to say that adults who make the conscious choice to not become parents would, in fact, abuse any children they might have had, but it's merely to state that people who don't want to have children shouldn't be encouraged to do so. Sometimes, the choice to be child-free is the most unselfish choice an adult can make.
Some adults, in fact, are able to make a huge difference in the lives of children, because they do not have to invest the time in raising their own. My beloved Aunt Sylvia knew from an early age that she didn't want to be a mother. She had tubal ligation in her twenties, and had a difficult time finding a doctor who would perform the procedure. They assumed that she would change her mind and later regret it. She never did. But, my Aunt Sylvia played an important role as a mentor to hundreds of kids she taught in high school over the years, and she was almost a second mother to me. Had she had a household of kids, she probably would not have had the energy or time to be a trusted adult that so many of us ran to with our problems. Many teenagers who had a rough time at home knew that Aunt Sylvia was a trusted ear and many kept up with her for years after high school. Anyone who says that she missed an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of children because she had none of her own will get an ear boxing from me. One of the arguments made by people who harangue child-free adults is "who is going to take care of you in your old age?" When my Aunt Sylvia lay dying in hospice, she was overrun by her nieces and nephews and former students. She was not alone for a moment.
What I want to say to child-free adults who are interrogated is that this is not limited to non-parents. Redmond and I have been questioned repeatedly as to our decision to only have one child. Our decision did not come lightly. I was almost 38 when Sadie was born, and I had a difficult pregnancy. Not only was I concerned how a future pregnancy would affect my health, I also knew that, given Sadie's temperament, we had all we could handle. Additionally, we had the financial resources for one. Had we had more children, we would struggle to raise them in the way that we thought we wanted to raise kids. But, just making the choice to be parents is not enough for some. We heard all kinds of arguments to convince us to have more. "Aren't you worried she'll be lonely?" "Don't you feel bad that you are putting the entire burden of taking care of you in your old age on her alone?" "You can afford more than one; you just need to adjust your lifestyle." "Two are actually easier than one." My responses are "No, I was an only child and wasn't lonely. I had friends." "There is no guarantee that even with siblings, you won't get stuck doing all the elder care." "Have you looked at our finances? And what is the problem with wanting to be able to send our daughter to camps, give her music lessons, take family trips?" "No, two are NOT necessarily easier than one. That doesn't even make logical sense."
In some cases, I truly believe that parents engage in this probing behavior because they are trying to justify their decision to become parents. Parenthood is hard, and we are often frustrated, overwhelmed, and it is not uncommon to have moments when you wonder "Did I make the right decision?" We are not ever allowed to share these thoughts; we are raised in this country to believe that parenthood is sacred and that we must be deliriously happy to be parents at all times, so we often have to convince ourselves that we made the right decision by assuming that adults without children are somehow empty inside. We see our child free friends engaging in multiple hobbies, taking expensive vacations, and enjoying an abundance of autonomous time while we are packing school lunches, attending soccer meets and kids' birthday parties, and struggling to save the money for a cheap camping trip because day care and extracurricular activites are draining our bank accounts. Know that I wouldn't have it any other way, but I will admit to having moments of envy.
In any case, the decision as to whether or not to become a parent, or to choose the number of kids you wish to have, is extremely personal and is every adult's right to make. Our planet is not lacking for human beings.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
And sometimes they just hurt...
Last night, my daughter broke my heart. As we walked upstairs to bed, she said, "Mommy, I wish I were normal like all the other kids. I don't want to have ADHD. I am the only kid in my class that has to leave to take a pill in the afternoon. I want to be like everyone else. I don't want to have a disorder." I stifled my urge to cry, and explained to her that she IS normal, she just has ADHD. Some kids have diabetes, some have allergies, and there are probably other kids in her class that have ADHD as well, but perhaps only take a pill in the morning. She then said, "But you're normal, Mommy. You don't have anything." I told her about a few of my health conditions, as well as my Bipolar 2 disorder. I most likely also have adult ADHD. Though I have never been diagnosed, I have all the symptoms, and had the same issues that she had when I was a child. It was near impossible for me to concentrate in class, I was hyperactive, and I was labeled as a "classic underachiever". I cannot recall how many times my parents were told that I wasn't living up to my potential. We just didn't have Ritalin or Concerta. Luckily, she does.
By the time our daughter was diagnosed, it was merely a formality. I knew she was different from infancy. She cried louder, was more restless than most babies, and, when she was around other children as a toddler, the differences seemed profound. We could not turn our backs for one moment, and, though I have philosophical issues with "helicoptering", the few times I decided to relax and give her some space, she ended up in Urgent Care, even the ER. She tested for ADHD when she was 6, and pretty much scored at the top of the charts. Though we were nervous about medicating her, we knew it was the right thing to do, as she was struggling in school and was not happy that she couldn't focus and was getting in trouble. One day, Redmond forgot to give her morning pill, and ran back home to pick it up. When he arrived back at school, she was on the floor tearing little strips of paper and acting out. The teacher said, "I know that sometimes kids are medicated who don't really need it, but your daughter is not one of those kids." She has to take a pill in the morning, and one in the afternoon, which means she is called out to see the nurse while still at school. This is humiliating to her, as she doesn't like calling attention to her differences.
I tried to explain to her that one day, she will relish being unique, and that children with ADHD are often extremely creative, as she is. I believe that for every disadvantage we have, there is a gift that comes with it. I struggle with depression and hypomania, but I believe my struggles make me more intuitive and compassionate with others, and I believe my ability to write poetry and to create music is somehow tied up with my disorder. I am also grateful that I am largely controlled by medication and can live a reasonably stable life. I know many bipolar folks who are deeply ashamed of their condition, but I am almost proud of mine. I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't struggled with bipolar; nor would be I be the person I am if I hadn't experienced bullying as a child. I don't see the need in looking back with bitterness or regrets. In fact, if I was offered the opportunity to be "cured" of my BPD, I would turn it down, as I have no idea what gifts I would lose in the process.
Still, an 8 year old is not going to see the silver lining in a diagnosis that ends with the word "Disorder". I like to think of ADHD as a certain kind of temperament, albeit one that presents problems in our modern world, but perhaps a temperament that might have served humans well at some point in history. I would much prefer ADHD to be called something different- to jettison the word "disorder", but that's probably too much to ask our psychiatric community. Fact is, because of our lifestyles, our educational system, and the way our society is structured, it is difficult to manage the world around us with ADHD. I often lament that homeschooling isn't really an option for us, but, then again, she will have to live in a world I cannot control or manage for her, so perhaps it's best for her to learn how to live in the same kind of environment in which she will ultimately be living and working.
I can try to soothe her hurt and pain as best I can, to try to help her understand that she is a special and worthy human being just as she is, but an 8 year old is only going to see that she is Different with a capital D, and it will probably take years before she can embrace her differences. I only hope she'll carry my words with her, even if she can't accept them now.
By the time our daughter was diagnosed, it was merely a formality. I knew she was different from infancy. She cried louder, was more restless than most babies, and, when she was around other children as a toddler, the differences seemed profound. We could not turn our backs for one moment, and, though I have philosophical issues with "helicoptering", the few times I decided to relax and give her some space, she ended up in Urgent Care, even the ER. She tested for ADHD when she was 6, and pretty much scored at the top of the charts. Though we were nervous about medicating her, we knew it was the right thing to do, as she was struggling in school and was not happy that she couldn't focus and was getting in trouble. One day, Redmond forgot to give her morning pill, and ran back home to pick it up. When he arrived back at school, she was on the floor tearing little strips of paper and acting out. The teacher said, "I know that sometimes kids are medicated who don't really need it, but your daughter is not one of those kids." She has to take a pill in the morning, and one in the afternoon, which means she is called out to see the nurse while still at school. This is humiliating to her, as she doesn't like calling attention to her differences.
I tried to explain to her that one day, she will relish being unique, and that children with ADHD are often extremely creative, as she is. I believe that for every disadvantage we have, there is a gift that comes with it. I struggle with depression and hypomania, but I believe my struggles make me more intuitive and compassionate with others, and I believe my ability to write poetry and to create music is somehow tied up with my disorder. I am also grateful that I am largely controlled by medication and can live a reasonably stable life. I know many bipolar folks who are deeply ashamed of their condition, but I am almost proud of mine. I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't struggled with bipolar; nor would be I be the person I am if I hadn't experienced bullying as a child. I don't see the need in looking back with bitterness or regrets. In fact, if I was offered the opportunity to be "cured" of my BPD, I would turn it down, as I have no idea what gifts I would lose in the process.
Still, an 8 year old is not going to see the silver lining in a diagnosis that ends with the word "Disorder". I like to think of ADHD as a certain kind of temperament, albeit one that presents problems in our modern world, but perhaps a temperament that might have served humans well at some point in history. I would much prefer ADHD to be called something different- to jettison the word "disorder", but that's probably too much to ask our psychiatric community. Fact is, because of our lifestyles, our educational system, and the way our society is structured, it is difficult to manage the world around us with ADHD. I often lament that homeschooling isn't really an option for us, but, then again, she will have to live in a world I cannot control or manage for her, so perhaps it's best for her to learn how to live in the same kind of environment in which she will ultimately be living and working.
I can try to soothe her hurt and pain as best I can, to try to help her understand that she is a special and worthy human being just as she is, but an 8 year old is only going to see that she is Different with a capital D, and it will probably take years before she can embrace her differences. I only hope she'll carry my words with her, even if she can't accept them now.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Fat-postivity and such
So, I tackled my current conflicted feelings on "sex-positivity" a few entries ago, and, in the same spirit as all the other "You are WAY overthinking these things" meanderings that pass through my convoluted brain, I have been pondering body and fat-positivity.
First of all, anyone who has known me for a long time knows that I was obese for many years. Not fat, not "curvy", not "thick", not "chubby". Obese. I learned to stuff my feelings and anxiety down with food, and over a period of 15 years, the weight piled on bit by bit, until I topped out at 255. Though I mainly blame overconsumption for my weight gain, I cannot help but wonder if I messed up my body chemistry to some extent with the eating disorder with which I struggled as a college student. After several years of living with binge-starve cycles, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and, to this day, I wonder if this was in reaction to the way I treated my body.
I developed a score of health problems related to my weight, including high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and plantar fasciitis. I felt like crap, could barely get up a flight of stairs, and was, frankly, deeply unhappy with the weight I was. When my primary care physician asked me, seriously, if I wanted to live to see my kid off to college, I took a deep breath and made the decision to make my health a priority. I lost a total of 90 pounds, put back about 20, and am in the process of reversing those pesky 20 pounds. In total, I have a little over 30 left to lose, and though I am still overweight, I can hike 10 miles in a day, have retired my C-PAP machine, and went off my BP medication a couple of years ago. I feel great, am no longer consigned to shopping at Lane Bryant, and have a shot at keeping my knees. And, face it, to be perfectly petty, I like the way I look now, even with the extra weight I still carry. I no longer avoid photo ops, and I enjoy the way I look when I fix myself up. Sorry, but true. At 255 pounds, I do not look my best.
That said, I have always been fat-positive. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, and I do not base attractiveness on a number on a scale. Larger people have every right to wear fashionable clothing, if they choose, and self-esteem should not be based on a number. People should not harass fat people or discriminate against them. I loathe the fact that some people are personally riled up by and offended by overweight people. Fat people are some of the last people to whom we are allowed to express open derision. And that derision speaks more to the issuer's general meanness and spitefulness than it does to fat people. Far preferable to focus that energy on improving YOURSELF. Surely, you have not reached perfection. Until you have, spend your mental energy on making yourself the best human being you can be. When you need a scapegoat, I sense insecurity on your part.
I am, however, a bit troubled by some aspects of fat-positivity. I am middle-aged, and, as such, I am beginning to see the effects of a lifetime of extra weight on my peers. I am seeing people 10 years older, heck, even 5 years than myself walking with canes and needing knee replacements. I am aware that obesity-caused health problems can lead to a shorter lifespan. So, if I tell a dear friend, whom I care about deeply, that he or she should feel good just the way they are and stay fat, I am encouraging them to participate in behavior that could kill them. Fat-positive activists point to fat people who have a normal BP and exercise, and say that a. Not all fat people are unhealthy, and b. Plenty of thin people have health problems. However, realistically, a healthy fat person can eventually develop high blood pressure, diabetes, problems with their bones and joints, etc. They may be healthy NOW, but in 10 years? Who knows? The fact is that you are more likely to have health problems when you are fat. I can attest to the fact that most of my health problems cleared up when I lost weight.
So, while I believe that fat people should be free of discrimination, and should have the right to feel self-esteem, I also would advocate beginning to develop healthier habits. I just didn't feel very good, physically, when I was obese, and it's rather difficult to feel self-esteem when your body doesn't feel its best. I will not judge anyone on the basis of their weight, but I am also not going to encourage people to continue down a path that will ultimately hurt them. For me, I abused food the way alcoholics abuse alcohol. Anyone who truly cared about me encouraged me to find my way to health. I am not going to be so obsessed with being politically correct that I am going to give people I care about bad advice, when asked.
So, I am trying to balance my commitment to non-discrimination and fat-positivity with both my knowledge of the medical dangers of obesity, and my realization that I physically feel 100% better with less weight on my body.
I have watched my husband as he has struggled with his weight, even more so than have I. He had gastric bypass surgery, lost a ton of weight, and has watched it creep back up the scale. He is trying to reverse this now, but I admit that I worry about him. He also has health problems, and I am terrified of losing him at an early age. He is an amazing father, and I need him to be here to father our daughter. I don't know what I would do without him, and I care deeply about his health. It is hard for me to tell him that he is perfect just the way he is when I can tell he doesn't feel well. His size does not affect the way I see him as a man, but it worries me from a health perspective.
For those who have never had weight problems, it is never as easy as "put the fork down". I daresay that every one of us has some bad habit with which we struggle. We KNOW that what we are doing is going to kill us, but, for various and sundry reasons, we often lose the battle with our cravings. Most people who are fat don't want to be fat. If it was as easy as "putting the fork down", none of us would have become fat in the first place. And, the reasons why we struggle with our weight deserve a blog entry of their own.
I will say that I tend to focus my body-positivity on healthy body image, and I continue to maintain that the ideal American body size is unattainable by many women, and not particularly aesthetically pleasing to me, unless the woman is naturally built that way. I abhor that young women are wasting valuable time and energy on starving themselves, when they could use that same energy growing intellectually. But I am also not a fan of typical American eating habits, or the fact that many of us are physically inactive. My idea of body-positivity is that we all work with what we have, take positive steps to maintain healthy habits, and stop fixating on our weight. If we are practicing healthy lifestyle habits, we are likely to land at a reasonble maintenance weight anyway. Don't hyperfocus on having a "perfect" body. Just be healthy and live.
First of all, anyone who has known me for a long time knows that I was obese for many years. Not fat, not "curvy", not "thick", not "chubby". Obese. I learned to stuff my feelings and anxiety down with food, and over a period of 15 years, the weight piled on bit by bit, until I topped out at 255. Though I mainly blame overconsumption for my weight gain, I cannot help but wonder if I messed up my body chemistry to some extent with the eating disorder with which I struggled as a college student. After several years of living with binge-starve cycles, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and, to this day, I wonder if this was in reaction to the way I treated my body.
I developed a score of health problems related to my weight, including high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and plantar fasciitis. I felt like crap, could barely get up a flight of stairs, and was, frankly, deeply unhappy with the weight I was. When my primary care physician asked me, seriously, if I wanted to live to see my kid off to college, I took a deep breath and made the decision to make my health a priority. I lost a total of 90 pounds, put back about 20, and am in the process of reversing those pesky 20 pounds. In total, I have a little over 30 left to lose, and though I am still overweight, I can hike 10 miles in a day, have retired my C-PAP machine, and went off my BP medication a couple of years ago. I feel great, am no longer consigned to shopping at Lane Bryant, and have a shot at keeping my knees. And, face it, to be perfectly petty, I like the way I look now, even with the extra weight I still carry. I no longer avoid photo ops, and I enjoy the way I look when I fix myself up. Sorry, but true. At 255 pounds, I do not look my best.
That said, I have always been fat-positive. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, and I do not base attractiveness on a number on a scale. Larger people have every right to wear fashionable clothing, if they choose, and self-esteem should not be based on a number. People should not harass fat people or discriminate against them. I loathe the fact that some people are personally riled up by and offended by overweight people. Fat people are some of the last people to whom we are allowed to express open derision. And that derision speaks more to the issuer's general meanness and spitefulness than it does to fat people. Far preferable to focus that energy on improving YOURSELF. Surely, you have not reached perfection. Until you have, spend your mental energy on making yourself the best human being you can be. When you need a scapegoat, I sense insecurity on your part.
I am, however, a bit troubled by some aspects of fat-positivity. I am middle-aged, and, as such, I am beginning to see the effects of a lifetime of extra weight on my peers. I am seeing people 10 years older, heck, even 5 years than myself walking with canes and needing knee replacements. I am aware that obesity-caused health problems can lead to a shorter lifespan. So, if I tell a dear friend, whom I care about deeply, that he or she should feel good just the way they are and stay fat, I am encouraging them to participate in behavior that could kill them. Fat-positive activists point to fat people who have a normal BP and exercise, and say that a. Not all fat people are unhealthy, and b. Plenty of thin people have health problems. However, realistically, a healthy fat person can eventually develop high blood pressure, diabetes, problems with their bones and joints, etc. They may be healthy NOW, but in 10 years? Who knows? The fact is that you are more likely to have health problems when you are fat. I can attest to the fact that most of my health problems cleared up when I lost weight.
So, while I believe that fat people should be free of discrimination, and should have the right to feel self-esteem, I also would advocate beginning to develop healthier habits. I just didn't feel very good, physically, when I was obese, and it's rather difficult to feel self-esteem when your body doesn't feel its best. I will not judge anyone on the basis of their weight, but I am also not going to encourage people to continue down a path that will ultimately hurt them. For me, I abused food the way alcoholics abuse alcohol. Anyone who truly cared about me encouraged me to find my way to health. I am not going to be so obsessed with being politically correct that I am going to give people I care about bad advice, when asked.
So, I am trying to balance my commitment to non-discrimination and fat-positivity with both my knowledge of the medical dangers of obesity, and my realization that I physically feel 100% better with less weight on my body.
I have watched my husband as he has struggled with his weight, even more so than have I. He had gastric bypass surgery, lost a ton of weight, and has watched it creep back up the scale. He is trying to reverse this now, but I admit that I worry about him. He also has health problems, and I am terrified of losing him at an early age. He is an amazing father, and I need him to be here to father our daughter. I don't know what I would do without him, and I care deeply about his health. It is hard for me to tell him that he is perfect just the way he is when I can tell he doesn't feel well. His size does not affect the way I see him as a man, but it worries me from a health perspective.
For those who have never had weight problems, it is never as easy as "put the fork down". I daresay that every one of us has some bad habit with which we struggle. We KNOW that what we are doing is going to kill us, but, for various and sundry reasons, we often lose the battle with our cravings. Most people who are fat don't want to be fat. If it was as easy as "putting the fork down", none of us would have become fat in the first place. And, the reasons why we struggle with our weight deserve a blog entry of their own.
I will say that I tend to focus my body-positivity on healthy body image, and I continue to maintain that the ideal American body size is unattainable by many women, and not particularly aesthetically pleasing to me, unless the woman is naturally built that way. I abhor that young women are wasting valuable time and energy on starving themselves, when they could use that same energy growing intellectually. But I am also not a fan of typical American eating habits, or the fact that many of us are physically inactive. My idea of body-positivity is that we all work with what we have, take positive steps to maintain healthy habits, and stop fixating on our weight. If we are practicing healthy lifestyle habits, we are likely to land at a reasonble maintenance weight anyway. Don't hyperfocus on having a "perfect" body. Just be healthy and live.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Plus.. a plus?
This is a plus sized model- Lexi Placourakis.
Here is another- Teer Wayde
Teer is a curvy woman, perhaps outside what most Westerners would consider an "ideal" size, while Lexi? I cannot see how on earth this woman was classified as a "plus sized" model.
In any case, these two women are absolutely gorgeous, normal, healthy looking women. Though I would not want to return to the misogynistic world of the 1950's, the aesthetic of female beauty of that decade appeals to me far more than any decade that follows. When did curves become unattractive things to eradicate? How can anyone not recognize the lush beauty of these two women?
*scratches head* Carry on...
Here is another- Teer Wayde
Teer is a curvy woman, perhaps outside what most Westerners would consider an "ideal" size, while Lexi? I cannot see how on earth this woman was classified as a "plus sized" model.
In any case, these two women are absolutely gorgeous, normal, healthy looking women. Though I would not want to return to the misogynistic world of the 1950's, the aesthetic of female beauty of that decade appeals to me far more than any decade that follows. When did curves become unattractive things to eradicate? How can anyone not recognize the lush beauty of these two women?
*scratches head* Carry on...
Sunday, October 13, 2013
In, not of?
So, I have a FB friend with whom I attended high school who is a very conservative, Fundamentalist Christian who appears to be very gradually questioning the bill of goods she has been sold. I have watched her posts change over the past year, as she questions the role of a mother and a woman in the Christian world. She is raising a very large family, and has had to give up homeschooling and enter the workforce. Apparently, she's receiving some serious backlash from her homeschooling family friends, who are judging her for, I don't know, exposing her children to the wicked world of diverse viewpoints.
I tend to be very open-minded, and though I lean extremely far to the left and identify as agnostic, I count amongst my friends a good number of people of faith, and a sprinkling of conservatives. I believe I fare better when I step outside my insular Carrboro bubble from time to time. And that is exactly what my point of contention is with these protecto-parents.
Both Redmond and I would be thrilled to see our daughter grow up to be a champion of progressive causes, an LGBT ally, a believer in equal rights for all human beings. But I do not want her to be brainwashed into following our belief system, and frankly, no amount of brainwashing will guarantee that your children can be shoehorned into following your footsteps. I know many lefty atheists who grew up "churched." I want my daughter to carefully consider the world of ideas, to exercise her intellectual muscles, and develop her own belief system based on her life experiences, on reading many texts, on her exposure to a wide variety of diverse human beings. I would love to see her affirm my own belief system, but if she only had those beliefs because I locked her up in a cage, then the beliefs are not really her own, reached by careful consideration and conviction.
I have known people who have tried to lock their children away from a world they find repugnant. They will not allow their kids to interact with any kids who do not come from their background, who attend school, who are not fundamentalists. They force their children to attend a local college and live at home, or perhaps attend a school such as Liberty University. They strongly restrict the books their children can read and the ideas to which their children may be exposed. So... their kids finish college- if they are even allowed to attend college... and then what? Unless their kids live at home permanently, or start their own Christian business, what then? How do these young adults live in the world after being trapped in an insular bubble? I'll tell you what often happens. They either are terrified and retreat, or they greet the world at large as their own personal Rumspringa. I remember meeting a few young adults who had escaped their bubbles, and they were flirting with substance abuse and promiscuity. They were sucking in all the experiences they felt they were denied. Granted, some grow up seamlessly and handle the secular world with grace and dignity, but parents, wouldn't you rather your kids exert some kind of will of their own?
I find a small amount of beauty in Sadie's defiance at times. From her first "No!" in toddlerhood, to her refusal to do things exactly as we wish she would, she is showing signs of strength and autonomy, and though she can be hugely challenging, I find it fascinating to see her finding her way as her own distinct human being. I have no desire to keep her in a box, to force my views of the world on her, or to create a little clone of myself. I am amazed by how little trust these overly controlling parents have in their own children... God forbid, they should carry on a conversation with a progressive Christian who actually attends school, or even a non-Christian. It's much like those homophobic parents who are afraid that any exposure to gay people will cause their kids to "catch teh gay".
What must it be like to wander through the world, terrified of everyone and everything who is even slightly different? What must it be like to see the world as a cauldron of festering evil from which you must shield your child from birth to grave? What must it be like to have so little faith in the innate goodness of your own children that you have to control their every interaction, every thought? What must it be like to fear that the rest of us heathens out there are so convincing that we will snatch your children away and convert them to a godless orgy of homosexuality and worldly desires? I truly pity these people, as I cannot see a life with this worldview as being particularly content.
I know there are homeschoolers who will read this and think I am judging homeschooling. I am not. For some children, homeschooling is the best fit, and the issue of homeschooling really deserves its own entry. My own daughter might benefit from some kind of alternative schooling, though we are not in a position financially to attempt the kinds of alternative schooling that I feel might be a good match for her at this time. I do, however, take issue with parents who so fear the world and so fear differing viewpoints that they attempt to hide their children away from the world in which they will eventually be forced to live as adults. Eventually, whether you like it or not, they will become the people they are meant to be- one hopes, anyway.
I tend to be very open-minded, and though I lean extremely far to the left and identify as agnostic, I count amongst my friends a good number of people of faith, and a sprinkling of conservatives. I believe I fare better when I step outside my insular Carrboro bubble from time to time. And that is exactly what my point of contention is with these protecto-parents.
Both Redmond and I would be thrilled to see our daughter grow up to be a champion of progressive causes, an LGBT ally, a believer in equal rights for all human beings. But I do not want her to be brainwashed into following our belief system, and frankly, no amount of brainwashing will guarantee that your children can be shoehorned into following your footsteps. I know many lefty atheists who grew up "churched." I want my daughter to carefully consider the world of ideas, to exercise her intellectual muscles, and develop her own belief system based on her life experiences, on reading many texts, on her exposure to a wide variety of diverse human beings. I would love to see her affirm my own belief system, but if she only had those beliefs because I locked her up in a cage, then the beliefs are not really her own, reached by careful consideration and conviction.
I have known people who have tried to lock their children away from a world they find repugnant. They will not allow their kids to interact with any kids who do not come from their background, who attend school, who are not fundamentalists. They force their children to attend a local college and live at home, or perhaps attend a school such as Liberty University. They strongly restrict the books their children can read and the ideas to which their children may be exposed. So... their kids finish college- if they are even allowed to attend college... and then what? Unless their kids live at home permanently, or start their own Christian business, what then? How do these young adults live in the world after being trapped in an insular bubble? I'll tell you what often happens. They either are terrified and retreat, or they greet the world at large as their own personal Rumspringa. I remember meeting a few young adults who had escaped their bubbles, and they were flirting with substance abuse and promiscuity. They were sucking in all the experiences they felt they were denied. Granted, some grow up seamlessly and handle the secular world with grace and dignity, but parents, wouldn't you rather your kids exert some kind of will of their own?
I find a small amount of beauty in Sadie's defiance at times. From her first "No!" in toddlerhood, to her refusal to do things exactly as we wish she would, she is showing signs of strength and autonomy, and though she can be hugely challenging, I find it fascinating to see her finding her way as her own distinct human being. I have no desire to keep her in a box, to force my views of the world on her, or to create a little clone of myself. I am amazed by how little trust these overly controlling parents have in their own children... God forbid, they should carry on a conversation with a progressive Christian who actually attends school, or even a non-Christian. It's much like those homophobic parents who are afraid that any exposure to gay people will cause their kids to "catch teh gay".
What must it be like to wander through the world, terrified of everyone and everything who is even slightly different? What must it be like to see the world as a cauldron of festering evil from which you must shield your child from birth to grave? What must it be like to have so little faith in the innate goodness of your own children that you have to control their every interaction, every thought? What must it be like to fear that the rest of us heathens out there are so convincing that we will snatch your children away and convert them to a godless orgy of homosexuality and worldly desires? I truly pity these people, as I cannot see a life with this worldview as being particularly content.
I know there are homeschoolers who will read this and think I am judging homeschooling. I am not. For some children, homeschooling is the best fit, and the issue of homeschooling really deserves its own entry. My own daughter might benefit from some kind of alternative schooling, though we are not in a position financially to attempt the kinds of alternative schooling that I feel might be a good match for her at this time. I do, however, take issue with parents who so fear the world and so fear differing viewpoints that they attempt to hide their children away from the world in which they will eventually be forced to live as adults. Eventually, whether you like it or not, they will become the people they are meant to be- one hopes, anyway.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
It's a Tupperware Party, or Why I Geocache...
I have always followed weird obsessions and pursued hobbies with a vengeance. People who know me well are not at all shocked when I order 20 books via InterLibrary Loan on Mormon Fundamentalism/Polygamy, or serial killers, or dissertations on slash fiction. Nobody blinks when I take up rollerskating or off the wall fandoms. But a few people raised their eyebrows when I told them I was using my GPS unit to crawl around in the woods to search for tupperware containers. Geocaching is basically high-tech treasure hunting. One only has to set up an account at http://www.geocaching.com in order to play the game. People hide containers of various sizes, and finders use their GPS units or smart phone apps in order to locate the containers. The containers can range in size from very large ammo cans to tiny button-sized "nanos" only large enough to fit in a small slip of paper. People have turned sticks, tree stumps, PVC pipes and fake sprinkler heads into cache containers. If it can fit a sheet of paper inside, someone has invariably turned it into a cache. If the container is large enough to contain objects, or swag, it's ok to take something, but it is expected that you will leave something of equal or higher quality. When you find the cache, you must sign the physical log, and then you log it online.
When I have taken non-cachers, or "muggles" out and about, they are always surprised at the sheer number of containers they drive or walk past every single day, unaware. Within 50 miles of my home, there are 7550 caches, and the number increases all the time. Muggles are often amazed by the number of caches I have found, which is upwards of 2,000. However, I know many cachers who have passed the 10,000 mark. It's rather addictive.
So, what is so compelling about this seemingly odd-ball hobby?
It can be a very inexpensive hobby. Once you have invested in a phone app or a handheld GPS unit, you only have to pay for the gas required to drive around and find caches. Some hobbies, such as golfing, require a huge investment in equipment. While I know cachers who constantly upgrade their GPS units, it is not really necessary to do so, if you invest in a decent unit up front.
It can help with physical fitness. Those who are goal-oriented may find merely hiking or running tedious, but when one hikes 5 miles and has plenty of caches along the trail, one can focus on the hunt and not on the exercise itself. Granted, there are many cachers who focus on caches that are close to their cars (Park and Grabs), but it is possible to take long hikes, kayak, ride bikes, or climb trees while caching. It is also possible to climb around storm drain systems underground, which, though not for everyone, certainly burns calories. I have spent the day in the swamps wearing chest waders, and I have walked across rope bridges, climbed towers, and done other semi-dangerous activities for the sake of a find, or a "smilie".
Caching allows one to find the most interesting spots in any locale while traveling. Whenever I visit a new city, I use a nifty feature. I sort my searches by "favorite points" and go for the ones that have been favorited the most. Local cachers often hide caches near what they consider the "best of the city". Sometimes, these caches will lead out-of-towners to hidden gardens, interesting architecture, cool historic sites, old cemeteries, and other areas that may be left out of the mainstream travel guides.
Finding other cachers gives this hobby a fun social component. At first, I was a solitary cacher. My family enjoyed it from time to time, but I was really the one who was the most obsessed. Over time, I gradually began meeting other people as wacky as myself, and I found that caching with other people was far more fun that caching alone. There are regular caching events where we all get together, usually over food and beer, and shenanigans usually follow. The North Carolina Geocaching Organization sponsors an annual, state-wide event called "Fall Fling", where NC cachers gather and celebrate.
Caching is always an adventure. You never know what you are going to find, or how the cache will be hidden. Whether you are doing a "power run", where you find a string of caches laid out about every .1 mile, or you are spending your entire day looking for one complicated cache, you can expect the unexpected. Sometimes, you are approached by the police. Sometimes, you bump into unsavory characters in the woods. Sometimes, you end up covered with mud, ticks, poison ivy, and find your keys are locked in the car. Sometimes, you go out for a cache run, and end up stopping short and spending your afternoon in a microbrewery with your buddies.
I ain't no man-hater...
Not long ago, a good friend stated that I harbor some underlying resentment of men. As this was the first time in my 45 years anyone has even suggested such a thing, it was surprising to hear. After all, I am married to one, I have dated many of them, and best I know, I am a relatively kind-hearted and affectionate wife and girlfriend. I know that I count former boyfriends among many of my lifelong friends, and I have quite a few platonic male friends. So, I put this comment in a bucket of things I can't really do anything with, and put it away.
That said, I am aware that I have historically been physically attracted to very few men. In college, while other girls were experimenting with casual sex and hookups, I was the girl that would freeze out men who approached me in bars and tried to take me home with them. I am somewhat feisty and "no thank you" is my default setting. When I have been attracted to men, it's usually been after an extended platonic friendship. I just don't usually see a man for the first time and say "wow". My attraction comes from having some laughs, from interacting for a couple of months as a friend. A man has to "grow on me" over time.
Men with whom I have engaged tend to share similar traits. They have a non-threatening, gentle energy. They are the kind of men who will refuse to rush into physical relationships and take things slowly. They are not controlling or dominating, at least not outside of the bedroom. (we won't go any further down this road) They are not aggressive, not misogynistic, aren't threatened by an independent, strong woman. They don't keep me locked up in a box or try to isolate me from others. I have to feel as if the guy values me as a complete person and isn't just trying to rack up another number on their list. There have been a couple of exceptions, as I am a human being with inconsistencies, but in those cases, the men usually started off portraying one persona and ended up truly being different than advertised. And when I have been fooled, I tend to beat myself up too harshly.
I am not in the least bit prudish, but my total "man count" is probably lower than a lot of my peers around my age. Face it, if you are attracted to a small percentage of the men you meet, and tend to avoid random anonymous hookups, you probably aren't hooking up with a large number of men. At times, I wonder if I denied myself the experiences a lot of women had before they finally settled down, but it was not worth hooking up with someone to whom I had no physical attraction. As a young woman, I was always in a semi-serious relationship, and when that ended, I fell into the next semi-serious relationship. I barely had any "single" time from high school through the time I met my husband.
I do know I can come off as standoffish to men who are aggressive. If a man just randomly hits on me, I shut them down. I am a fierce defender of equality and respect in relationships. So, when I am discussing guys with female friends, I often slag off on men who are overly macho, who are misogynistic, who maintain double standards, and who treat women with little respect. I will not hesitate to tell you that your man is a douche if, in fact, he is. I have little patience for assholes. And I do often side with women in issues of divorce and relationship struggles. I see through the filter of my gender. I know women who seem to have disdain for other women, who are naturally competitive with other women, and I don't have that gene. I do tend to be all about the sisterhood. I have a reasonable amount of self-esteem about my worth as a woman, so I don't need to tear other women down in order to feel better about myself. I have my jealousies at times, but they are somewhat rare. But, by and large, I reserve my judgment for men who deserve it. I don't attack "nice guys".
So, do I have underlying resentment towards men? Some men, yes. Neanderthals, douchebags, absolutely. But there are plenty of wonderful, kind men in this world, and I don't dismiss them all out of hand. Perhaps my railing against douchebiscuits was rounded up to man-hating in general.
That said, I am aware that I have historically been physically attracted to very few men. In college, while other girls were experimenting with casual sex and hookups, I was the girl that would freeze out men who approached me in bars and tried to take me home with them. I am somewhat feisty and "no thank you" is my default setting. When I have been attracted to men, it's usually been after an extended platonic friendship. I just don't usually see a man for the first time and say "wow". My attraction comes from having some laughs, from interacting for a couple of months as a friend. A man has to "grow on me" over time.
Men with whom I have engaged tend to share similar traits. They have a non-threatening, gentle energy. They are the kind of men who will refuse to rush into physical relationships and take things slowly. They are not controlling or dominating, at least not outside of the bedroom. (we won't go any further down this road) They are not aggressive, not misogynistic, aren't threatened by an independent, strong woman. They don't keep me locked up in a box or try to isolate me from others. I have to feel as if the guy values me as a complete person and isn't just trying to rack up another number on their list. There have been a couple of exceptions, as I am a human being with inconsistencies, but in those cases, the men usually started off portraying one persona and ended up truly being different than advertised. And when I have been fooled, I tend to beat myself up too harshly.
I am not in the least bit prudish, but my total "man count" is probably lower than a lot of my peers around my age. Face it, if you are attracted to a small percentage of the men you meet, and tend to avoid random anonymous hookups, you probably aren't hooking up with a large number of men. At times, I wonder if I denied myself the experiences a lot of women had before they finally settled down, but it was not worth hooking up with someone to whom I had no physical attraction. As a young woman, I was always in a semi-serious relationship, and when that ended, I fell into the next semi-serious relationship. I barely had any "single" time from high school through the time I met my husband.
I do know I can come off as standoffish to men who are aggressive. If a man just randomly hits on me, I shut them down. I am a fierce defender of equality and respect in relationships. So, when I am discussing guys with female friends, I often slag off on men who are overly macho, who are misogynistic, who maintain double standards, and who treat women with little respect. I will not hesitate to tell you that your man is a douche if, in fact, he is. I have little patience for assholes. And I do often side with women in issues of divorce and relationship struggles. I see through the filter of my gender. I know women who seem to have disdain for other women, who are naturally competitive with other women, and I don't have that gene. I do tend to be all about the sisterhood. I have a reasonable amount of self-esteem about my worth as a woman, so I don't need to tear other women down in order to feel better about myself. I have my jealousies at times, but they are somewhat rare. But, by and large, I reserve my judgment for men who deserve it. I don't attack "nice guys".
So, do I have underlying resentment towards men? Some men, yes. Neanderthals, douchebags, absolutely. But there are plenty of wonderful, kind men in this world, and I don't dismiss them all out of hand. Perhaps my railing against douchebiscuits was rounded up to man-hating in general.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
toxic shock
Why is that we keep toxic people in our lives? I am a firm believer that we choose the relationships that give us something that we need. People don't just "fall" into toxic friendships and relationships. Most people I know who complain about toxic friends or lovers have had a long string of them. On some level, the dynamic is filling an actual need; is a fabric that is as familiar as a worn childhood blanket.
When I can look at a friendship and realize that it gives me more grief than happiness, why is it so hard to let that friend go? There should be a mathematical equation in which I can plug in x=happiness, y=misery, and if y>x, then z= dump the friendship already. But, as a flawed human being who does not always respond to logic and behave as a robot, I will drag dead, toxic horses behind me for years. This tells me that there is a mysterious other variable, a, that represents that unconscious "thing" that this dynamic provides me. So, somehow, (x + a) >y.
And, since I am, indeed, unhappy with my toxic friendships and relationships, I have to identify variable "a" and then remove it from the equation.
I do not believe that people easily change. Further, I believe there are certain toxic personality types that are highly resistant to change. And, if behaving a certain way produces the same reaction from a toxic person every time, expecting another result from the same behavior is a pointless exercise.
What good is it to be an intuitive, to be able to read people, if you don't do a damn thing with the knowledge you intuit? Far better to be naive and clueless than to be cynical and know the score and then continue to behave stupidly.
Again, it comes to the kid. Whenever I am trying to make decisions in my own life, I try to think about how I would advise the kiddo when she is an adult. If I could not recommend my course of behavior to her, then I cannot recommend it to myself...
And now, to simply follow through. There are 4 billion people on this earth. It should take little effort to find a few healthy, ethical people with a pool this large. I just need to figure out this mysterious variable a.
When I can look at a friendship and realize that it gives me more grief than happiness, why is it so hard to let that friend go? There should be a mathematical equation in which I can plug in x=happiness, y=misery, and if y>x, then z= dump the friendship already. But, as a flawed human being who does not always respond to logic and behave as a robot, I will drag dead, toxic horses behind me for years. This tells me that there is a mysterious other variable, a, that represents that unconscious "thing" that this dynamic provides me. So, somehow, (x + a) >y.
And, since I am, indeed, unhappy with my toxic friendships and relationships, I have to identify variable "a" and then remove it from the equation.
I do not believe that people easily change. Further, I believe there are certain toxic personality types that are highly resistant to change. And, if behaving a certain way produces the same reaction from a toxic person every time, expecting another result from the same behavior is a pointless exercise.
What good is it to be an intuitive, to be able to read people, if you don't do a damn thing with the knowledge you intuit? Far better to be naive and clueless than to be cynical and know the score and then continue to behave stupidly.
Again, it comes to the kid. Whenever I am trying to make decisions in my own life, I try to think about how I would advise the kiddo when she is an adult. If I could not recommend my course of behavior to her, then I cannot recommend it to myself...
And now, to simply follow through. There are 4 billion people on this earth. It should take little effort to find a few healthy, ethical people with a pool this large. I just need to figure out this mysterious variable a.
Sex-positivity, duckfaced selfies, classism at work?
I recall my first exposure to the term "sex-positive". I was living in Montana, and delving into the Riot Grrrrl culture. In flipping through a few feminist zines, I encountered the phrase, and nodded my head. I had long referred to myself as a feminist, even in high school, but found some of the writings of Boomer feminists such as Andrea Dworkin to not resonate in the least. I did not consider consensual sex with men to be rape. I enjoyed dressing up, playing with girlie things, and was known to flirt with men from time to time. The old school gender feminism just seemed alien to me. I did, however, believe in choosing my destiny without regard to gender expectations, expected equal pay for equal work, and bristled at the idea of being controlled by men. I was drawn to the company of strong, powerful women who didn't put up with crap from anyone. I was very much into seeing live bands and exploring new music, and I observed that there were two types of girls there- the girls who wanted to BE the artist and felt like a peer with male musicians, and the girls who thought they absorbed brilliance through osmosis by merely sleeping with the musicians. I was the former. I also believed that women should embrace and be proud of their sexuality without guilt. So, I donned the label "sex-positive feminist" with ease, despite my general distaste for labels, and I have rarely questioned my stance since.
Lately, I have begun to really ponder the concept of "sex-positive", because I am having a hard time defining exactly what it means, and I am struggling to parse out some of my conflicting reactions to sexuality as displayed in our culture. I have been reading a few blogs by feminists of color, and some of them express their difficulty relating to the whole notion of "sex-positive" feminism. They commonly state their perception of such as a philosophy that is oriented towards girls from a very white, very affluent, very "women's college" background. Women of color have to struggle with society's archetypal perceptions of "brown women" as being primitive, hypersexual, "Jezebels", and therefore, have very different struggles than those of upper-middle class white women. They feel more drawn to battles to be taken seriously as intellectuals, as equal to Causasian women, rather than to be seen as fully sexual human beings. Many have cited "slut walks" as events in which they are very reluctant to attend, if for no other reason than the fact that they are constantly fighting perceptions of being a "slut". It's hard to take on the label of "slut" with pride when you are assumed to be a slut, called a 'ho, etc. A white Women's Studies major at Brandeis who attended boarding school can wear the slut identity as a costume; can use the term playfully. She is part of a privileged class, and as such, can afford to challenge cultural norms.
Second, as a 45 year old working mother, I have long reached peace with my sexual identity, and with myself as a sexual being. What I grapple with now is balancing career with motherhood, economics, making ends meet, and staying sane with what feels like an insanely scheduled life. I struggle with the challenges of raising a child with a whopping case of SPD and ADHD, a bright, creative, joy of a child, but an often difficult child to raise. What were BIG LIFE issues during my college years seem now to be naval gazings for which I cannot find time. I suppose my next area of feminist concern will be how women are perceived during the aging process.
What does keep me drawn to gender/feminist issues is the fact that I am parenting a young daughter and frankly, I am scared shitless. Yes, I want her to grow up and embrace her sexual persona. I want her to feel strong and independent and empowered, and we are both doing our best to help her blossom as a female. But she is currently being pelted with so many conflicting, confusing messages from the media and from culture. She is already making observations about our sexualized culture, from singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It" to shaking her hips and saying, "Mommy- am I sexy?" No matter how we try to monitor and mitigate the images to which she is exposed, she is pelted with highly sexualized, exploitative song lyrics, bathroom selfies, and body hatred memes. I find myself less concerned with her eventual sex-positivity than I am with worries that she will be exploited and encouraged to become prematurely sexual, before she is emotionally mature enough to handle it with grace.
I am constantly trying to unpack how I can convey to my daughter that her sexuality is a healthy, natural part of her being, and to discourage slut-shaming, while steering her far away from presenting herself as an object to be consumed and discarded. I never thought I would reach this point, but I find myself feeling dismay when I see images of young, attractive women posting nearly naked bathroom duckfaced selfies on Facebook. I feel conflicted and a bit hypocritical. I can voraciously read Carol Queen and interviews with Nina Hartley and Annie Sprinkle, and I can embrace burlesque, erotica, and pinup culture, and yet I flinch when I see Miley Cyrus' awkward tongue-out twerking, or watch contemporary top 40 female performers on stage as they sing sexually explicit lyrics and grind for the camera's benefit. Why the disparity? Is it that I am classist? Is it that I can accept a well-educated woman who is openly sexual and can intellectualize her sexuality in an articulate manner, while bathroom duckfaced selfies just come off as "low-class"? Is it a prejudice against "mainstream" performers? Throw me a Peaches, and I will blare "Tent in Your Pants" until the cow comes home, but throw me a random R-rated Britney Spears song and I will roll my eyes. Perhaps I see the Annie Sprinkles and Nina Hartleys of the world as strong women who drive their own bus, while I see the random duckfaced girl in a poorly decorated bathroom in a low rent apartment as someone who is lacking self-respect and is merely reacting to the expectations of their culture and desperately vying for attention- as someone who is presenting themselves as an object for sex, but who really yearns for a traditional lifestyle and love, and will always bemoan the fact that the guy doesn't call again. Annie Sprinkle is in control of her sexuality and she knows the score. Random duckface is probably being exploited and is probably often sad that she cannot truly find what she seeks. At least, that is how I perceive things. And, really, a huge piece of this for me is that I have to help my almost 8 year old daughter navigate these murky waters. I want her to be sex-positive, but I also want her to finish college before she gets pregnant, to only have sex when she truly wants to have sex, and to not allow herself to be manipulated by men. I hope I am not theorizing that only smart women get to be sexual beings. I hope I am not hopelessly classist. But, I fear that I am.
In any case, these swirling thoughts are running through my head and causing me great confusion. My ultimate goal is to usher my child unscathed into this culture, which is often misogynistic and exploitative. I'm just not sure how to get there.
Lately, I have begun to really ponder the concept of "sex-positive", because I am having a hard time defining exactly what it means, and I am struggling to parse out some of my conflicting reactions to sexuality as displayed in our culture. I have been reading a few blogs by feminists of color, and some of them express their difficulty relating to the whole notion of "sex-positive" feminism. They commonly state their perception of such as a philosophy that is oriented towards girls from a very white, very affluent, very "women's college" background. Women of color have to struggle with society's archetypal perceptions of "brown women" as being primitive, hypersexual, "Jezebels", and therefore, have very different struggles than those of upper-middle class white women. They feel more drawn to battles to be taken seriously as intellectuals, as equal to Causasian women, rather than to be seen as fully sexual human beings. Many have cited "slut walks" as events in which they are very reluctant to attend, if for no other reason than the fact that they are constantly fighting perceptions of being a "slut". It's hard to take on the label of "slut" with pride when you are assumed to be a slut, called a 'ho, etc. A white Women's Studies major at Brandeis who attended boarding school can wear the slut identity as a costume; can use the term playfully. She is part of a privileged class, and as such, can afford to challenge cultural norms.
Second, as a 45 year old working mother, I have long reached peace with my sexual identity, and with myself as a sexual being. What I grapple with now is balancing career with motherhood, economics, making ends meet, and staying sane with what feels like an insanely scheduled life. I struggle with the challenges of raising a child with a whopping case of SPD and ADHD, a bright, creative, joy of a child, but an often difficult child to raise. What were BIG LIFE issues during my college years seem now to be naval gazings for which I cannot find time. I suppose my next area of feminist concern will be how women are perceived during the aging process.
What does keep me drawn to gender/feminist issues is the fact that I am parenting a young daughter and frankly, I am scared shitless. Yes, I want her to grow up and embrace her sexual persona. I want her to feel strong and independent and empowered, and we are both doing our best to help her blossom as a female. But she is currently being pelted with so many conflicting, confusing messages from the media and from culture. She is already making observations about our sexualized culture, from singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It" to shaking her hips and saying, "Mommy- am I sexy?" No matter how we try to monitor and mitigate the images to which she is exposed, she is pelted with highly sexualized, exploitative song lyrics, bathroom selfies, and body hatred memes. I find myself less concerned with her eventual sex-positivity than I am with worries that she will be exploited and encouraged to become prematurely sexual, before she is emotionally mature enough to handle it with grace.
I am constantly trying to unpack how I can convey to my daughter that her sexuality is a healthy, natural part of her being, and to discourage slut-shaming, while steering her far away from presenting herself as an object to be consumed and discarded. I never thought I would reach this point, but I find myself feeling dismay when I see images of young, attractive women posting nearly naked bathroom duckfaced selfies on Facebook. I feel conflicted and a bit hypocritical. I can voraciously read Carol Queen and interviews with Nina Hartley and Annie Sprinkle, and I can embrace burlesque, erotica, and pinup culture, and yet I flinch when I see Miley Cyrus' awkward tongue-out twerking, or watch contemporary top 40 female performers on stage as they sing sexually explicit lyrics and grind for the camera's benefit. Why the disparity? Is it that I am classist? Is it that I can accept a well-educated woman who is openly sexual and can intellectualize her sexuality in an articulate manner, while bathroom duckfaced selfies just come off as "low-class"? Is it a prejudice against "mainstream" performers? Throw me a Peaches, and I will blare "Tent in Your Pants" until the cow comes home, but throw me a random R-rated Britney Spears song and I will roll my eyes. Perhaps I see the Annie Sprinkles and Nina Hartleys of the world as strong women who drive their own bus, while I see the random duckfaced girl in a poorly decorated bathroom in a low rent apartment as someone who is lacking self-respect and is merely reacting to the expectations of their culture and desperately vying for attention- as someone who is presenting themselves as an object for sex, but who really yearns for a traditional lifestyle and love, and will always bemoan the fact that the guy doesn't call again. Annie Sprinkle is in control of her sexuality and she knows the score. Random duckface is probably being exploited and is probably often sad that she cannot truly find what she seeks. At least, that is how I perceive things. And, really, a huge piece of this for me is that I have to help my almost 8 year old daughter navigate these murky waters. I want her to be sex-positive, but I also want her to finish college before she gets pregnant, to only have sex when she truly wants to have sex, and to not allow herself to be manipulated by men. I hope I am not theorizing that only smart women get to be sexual beings. I hope I am not hopelessly classist. But, I fear that I am.
In any case, these swirling thoughts are running through my head and causing me great confusion. My ultimate goal is to usher my child unscathed into this culture, which is often misogynistic and exploitative. I'm just not sure how to get there.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Throwing some girls under the bus in the attempt to place other girls, um, on top of the bus...
So, I am very much into body acceptance. I embrace burlesque, which celebrates females of all sizes, prefer clothing vendors that offer a wide range of sizes, and fight to try to avoid dumping all kinds of yucky body image baggage on my 7 year old daughter. I have "liked" quite a few sites on FB that celebrate "curvy girls", given that I *am* a curvy girl, and constantly make references to my preference for women with a little "meat on their bones." These sites often post comments, such as "Bones are for dogs. I want a curvy girl." Though many of them devote time to raising consciousness on body image issues, in order to make the "thicker" girls feel better, there is a lot of disparaging talk about skinny women.
Though more American women are more likely to curse extra weight than they are to curse too little, I have known skinny girls who long for curves. I have known skinny girls who try to put on a few pounds and just can't. And while it is difficult at times to empathize with a group of girls who are what many consider to be "the ideal", their body image issues are every bit as stressful to them as my constant battle with the bulge is to me. Yes, I should surround myself with images and writings and thoughts that build my self-esteem, but I do not need to bring down others in the process. I cannot support "body positivity" when I berate skinny girls as being "less womanly", say they look like little boys, and slag them off as being unattractive and unsexy.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. It's great to work towards health and to feel good about one's appearance, but it should be independent of one's natural body shape. An endomorph has to starve themselves in order to look waif-like, and still may never have the infamous "thigh gap" or a washboard stomach. An ectomorph can gorge on peanut butter shakes, but probably will not fill out a D cup without enhancement. The goal should be to live a healthy life, move around a lot, eat mostly healthy foods, and then just live. Focus on the things that are important. Focus on finding our passions, surrounding ourselves with healthy, centered people, enjoy our work, should we work, and build meaningful bonds with others. When we take up our valuable time and energy with physical perfection, we are taking time away from the things that truly add meaning to our lives. I am focusing on women, because this is a particularly pervasive problem for us, but men have their own body issues and vulnerability. I have tended to find, though, that most men can usually put these body image issues down and go forth and live their lives.
In any case, we need to respect the value of all of us- thin, average, curvy, fat. Our worth is not a function of our size. And while we curvier girls need to embrace our bodies, we do not need to bring others down in order to feel better about ourselves.
Though more American women are more likely to curse extra weight than they are to curse too little, I have known skinny girls who long for curves. I have known skinny girls who try to put on a few pounds and just can't. And while it is difficult at times to empathize with a group of girls who are what many consider to be "the ideal", their body image issues are every bit as stressful to them as my constant battle with the bulge is to me. Yes, I should surround myself with images and writings and thoughts that build my self-esteem, but I do not need to bring down others in the process. I cannot support "body positivity" when I berate skinny girls as being "less womanly", say they look like little boys, and slag them off as being unattractive and unsexy.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. It's great to work towards health and to feel good about one's appearance, but it should be independent of one's natural body shape. An endomorph has to starve themselves in order to look waif-like, and still may never have the infamous "thigh gap" or a washboard stomach. An ectomorph can gorge on peanut butter shakes, but probably will not fill out a D cup without enhancement. The goal should be to live a healthy life, move around a lot, eat mostly healthy foods, and then just live. Focus on the things that are important. Focus on finding our passions, surrounding ourselves with healthy, centered people, enjoy our work, should we work, and build meaningful bonds with others. When we take up our valuable time and energy with physical perfection, we are taking time away from the things that truly add meaning to our lives. I am focusing on women, because this is a particularly pervasive problem for us, but men have their own body issues and vulnerability. I have tended to find, though, that most men can usually put these body image issues down and go forth and live their lives.
In any case, we need to respect the value of all of us- thin, average, curvy, fat. Our worth is not a function of our size. And while we curvier girls need to embrace our bodies, we do not need to bring others down in order to feel better about ourselves.
I percolate..
25 decades after the rest of the world has started (and abandoned) their musing blogs, I am finally getting around to dropping some of my long-winded observations, rambles, and "essays" into the Interwebs. I finally decided it was time to do so, as most of my Facebook posts end with a "continue reading" link, and I am incapable of observing the Twitter character limit. So, having an outlet for some of my longer-winded rants and musings will allow me to stop.torturing.Facebook.
I am interested in many, many topics, some of which are of little interest to the rest of the world. Particularly, I find gender/social/body image/sexuality/child raising issues fascinating, and I also have my strange little obsessions with weird science, alternative and unusual lifestyles, the human brain, and the outdoors.
Come in, stay awhile, or run away screaming. If you like concise, minimalist writing, you may find yourself pulling your hair. If you are a fan of Raymond Carver, run for the hills.
I am interested in many, many topics, some of which are of little interest to the rest of the world. Particularly, I find gender/social/body image/sexuality/child raising issues fascinating, and I also have my strange little obsessions with weird science, alternative and unusual lifestyles, the human brain, and the outdoors.
Come in, stay awhile, or run away screaming. If you like concise, minimalist writing, you may find yourself pulling your hair. If you are a fan of Raymond Carver, run for the hills.
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Consistency, people.
Listen up, fellow progressives. This is important. One thing we do very well is to call out the hypocrisy of the Christian Right. And b...
