Fat-postivity and such

So, I tackled my current conflicted feelings on "sex-positivity" a few entries ago, and, in the same spirit as all the other "You are WAY overthinking these things" meanderings that pass through my convoluted brain, I have been pondering body and fat-positivity.

First of all, anyone who has known me for a long time knows that I was obese for many years. Not fat, not "curvy", not "thick", not "chubby".  Obese.  I learned to stuff my feelings and anxiety down with food, and over a period of 15 years, the weight piled on bit by bit, until I topped out at 255.  Though I mainly blame overconsumption for my weight gain, I cannot help but wonder if I messed up my body chemistry to some extent with the eating disorder with which I struggled as a college student. After several years of living with binge-starve cycles, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and, to this day, I wonder if this was in reaction to the way I treated my body.

I developed a score of health problems related to my weight, including high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and plantar fasciitis.  I felt like crap, could barely get up a flight of stairs, and was, frankly, deeply unhappy with the weight I was.  When my primary care physician asked me, seriously, if I wanted to live to see my kid off to college, I took a deep breath and made the decision to make my health a priority.  I lost a total of 90 pounds, put back about 20, and am in the process of reversing those pesky 20 pounds.  In total, I have a little over 30 left to lose, and though I am still overweight, I can hike 10 miles in a day, have retired my C-PAP machine, and went off my BP medication a couple of years ago.  I feel great, am no longer consigned to shopping at Lane Bryant, and have a shot at keeping my knees. And, face it, to be perfectly petty, I like the way I look now, even with the extra weight I still carry. I no longer avoid photo ops, and I enjoy the way I look when I fix myself up.  Sorry, but true. At 255 pounds, I do not look my best. 

That said, I have always been fat-positive.  Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, and I do not base attractiveness on a number on a scale.  Larger people have every right to wear fashionable clothing, if they choose, and self-esteem should not be based on a number.  People should not harass fat people or discriminate against them.  I loathe the fact that some people are personally riled up by and offended by overweight people.  Fat people are some of the last people to whom we are allowed to express open derision. And that derision speaks more to the issuer's general meanness and spitefulness than it does to fat people.  Far preferable to focus that energy on improving YOURSELF.  Surely, you have not reached perfection.  Until you have, spend your mental energy on making yourself the best human being you can be.  When you need a scapegoat, I sense insecurity on your part. 

I am, however, a bit troubled by some aspects of fat-positivity.  I am middle-aged, and, as such, I am beginning to see the effects of a lifetime of extra weight on my peers.  I am seeing people 10 years older, heck, even 5 years than myself walking with canes and needing knee replacements. I am aware that obesity-caused health problems can lead to a shorter lifespan.  So, if I tell a dear friend, whom I care about deeply, that he or she should feel good just the way they are and stay fat, I am encouraging them to participate in behavior that could kill them.  Fat-positive activists point to fat people who have a normal BP and exercise, and say that a. Not all fat people are unhealthy, and b. Plenty of thin people have health problems. However, realistically, a healthy fat person can eventually develop high blood pressure, diabetes, problems with their bones and joints, etc.  They may be healthy NOW, but in 10 years?  Who knows? The fact is that you are more likely to have health problems when you are fat. I can attest to the fact that most of my health problems cleared up when I lost weight.

So, while I believe that fat people should be free of discrimination, and should have the right to feel self-esteem, I also would advocate beginning to develop healthier habits.  I just didn't feel very good, physically, when I was obese, and it's rather difficult to feel self-esteem when your body doesn't feel its best. I will not judge anyone on the basis of their weight, but I am also not going to encourage people to continue down a path that will ultimately hurt them.  For me, I abused food the way alcoholics abuse alcohol.  Anyone who truly cared about me encouraged me to find my way to health. I am not going to be so obsessed with being politically correct that I am going to give people I care about bad advice, when asked. 

So, I am trying to balance my commitment to non-discrimination and fat-positivity with both my knowledge of the medical dangers of obesity, and my realization that I physically feel 100% better with less weight on my body.

I have watched my husband as he has struggled with his weight, even more so than have I.  He had gastric bypass surgery, lost a ton of weight, and has watched it creep back up the scale.  He is trying to reverse this now, but I admit that I worry about him.  He also has health problems, and I am terrified of losing him at an early age.  He is an amazing father, and I need him to be here to father our daughter.  I don't know what I would do without him, and I care deeply about his health.  It is hard for me to tell him that he is perfect just the way he is when I can tell he doesn't feel well.  His size does not affect the way I see him as a man, but it worries me from a health perspective.

For those who have never had weight problems, it is never as easy as "put the fork down". I daresay that every one of us has some bad habit with which we struggle.  We KNOW that what we are doing is going to kill us, but, for various and sundry reasons, we often lose the battle with our cravings. Most people who are fat don't want to be fat.  If it was as easy as "putting the fork down", none of us would have become fat in the first place.  And, the reasons why we struggle with our weight deserve a blog entry of their own.

I will say that I tend to focus my body-positivity on healthy body image, and I continue to maintain that the ideal American body size is unattainable by many women, and not particularly aesthetically pleasing to me, unless the woman is naturally built that way. I abhor that young women are wasting valuable time and energy on starving themselves, when they could use that same energy growing intellectually. But I am also not a fan of typical American eating habits, or the fact that many of us are physically inactive.  My idea of body-positivity is that we all work with what we have, take positive steps to maintain healthy habits, and stop fixating on our weight. If we are practicing healthy lifestyle habits, we are likely to land at a reasonble maintenance weight anyway. Don't hyperfocus on having a "perfect" body. Just be healthy and live.