One and done

A very interesting article is circulating around FB right now, mostly being posted by folks who have made the decision to opt out of parenthood. Apparently, child free adults are being, basically, interrogated by parents who are absolutely flummoxed and disturbed that there are those who prefer to live a full, rich life without taking on the role of parenthood.

I absolutely cannot understand why all adults are expected to procreate, and am even more baffled as to why people think it's okay to question these adults' decision.  Not everyone feels they are cut out for parenthood, for a variety of reasons, and wouldn't we rather these people who do not want children to not have children?  Do we want people who have no interest in parenting to raise children they don't want?  And, how can we tell them that once the baby arrives, they'll be grateful they had a child? Are we fortune tellers?

When raising children was considered mandatory, and before birth control was widely available, there were a lot of horrifically lousy parents.  I have heard horror stories from adults my parents' (or grandparents, when they were alive) age about children running around who were unsupervised, unloved, and abused by parents who were not really good candidates for reproduction.  And, in fact, children are abused today by parents who should not have had kids, period.  This is not to say that adults who make the conscious choice to not become parents would, in fact, abuse any children they might have had, but it's merely to state that people who don't want to have children shouldn't be encouraged to do so.  Sometimes, the choice to be child-free is the most unselfish choice an adult can make.

Some adults, in fact, are able to make a huge difference in the lives of children, because they do not have to invest the time in raising their own.  My beloved Aunt Sylvia knew from an early age that she didn't want to be a mother.  She had tubal ligation in her twenties, and had a difficult time finding a doctor who would perform the procedure.  They assumed that she would change her mind and later regret it.  She never did.  But, my Aunt Sylvia played an important role as a mentor to hundreds of kids she taught in high school over the years, and she was almost a second mother to me.  Had she had a household of kids, she probably would not have had the energy or time to be a trusted adult that so many of us ran to with our problems.  Many teenagers who had a rough time at home knew that Aunt Sylvia was a trusted ear and many kept up with her for years after high school.  Anyone who says that she missed an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of children because she had none of her own will get an ear boxing from me.  One of the arguments made by people who harangue child-free adults is "who is going to take care of you in your old age?"  When my Aunt Sylvia lay dying in hospice, she was overrun by her nieces and nephews and former students.  She was not alone for a moment. 

What I want to say to child-free adults who are interrogated is that this is not limited to non-parents.  Redmond and I have been questioned repeatedly as to our decision to only have one child.  Our decision did not come lightly. I was almost 38 when Sadie was born, and I had a difficult pregnancy.  Not only was I concerned how a future pregnancy would affect my health, I also knew that, given Sadie's temperament, we had all we could handle.  Additionally, we had the financial resources for one.  Had we had more children, we would struggle to raise them in the way that we thought we wanted to raise kids.  But, just making the choice to be parents is not enough for some.  We heard all kinds of arguments to convince us to have more. "Aren't you worried she'll be lonely?"  "Don't you feel bad that you are putting the entire burden of taking care of you in your old age on her alone?"  "You can afford more than one; you just need to adjust your lifestyle."  "Two are actually easier than one."   My responses are "No, I was an only child and wasn't lonely. I had friends." "There is no guarantee that even with siblings, you won't get stuck doing all the elder care."  "Have you looked at our finances?  And what is the problem with wanting to be able to send our daughter to camps, give her music lessons, take family trips?" "No, two are NOT necessarily easier than one.  That doesn't even make logical sense."

In some cases, I truly believe that parents engage in this probing behavior because they are trying to justify their decision to become parents.  Parenthood is hard, and we are often frustrated, overwhelmed, and it is not uncommon to have moments when you wonder "Did I make the right decision?"  We are not ever allowed to share these thoughts; we are raised in this country to believe that parenthood is sacred and that we must be deliriously happy to be parents at all times, so we often have to convince ourselves that we made the right decision by assuming that adults without children are somehow empty inside.  We see our child free friends engaging in multiple hobbies, taking expensive vacations, and enjoying an abundance of autonomous time while we are packing school lunches, attending soccer meets and kids' birthday parties, and struggling to save the money for a cheap camping trip because day care and extracurricular activites are draining our bank accounts.  Know that I wouldn't have it any other way, but I will admit to having moments of envy. 

In any case, the decision as to whether or not to become a parent, or to choose the number of kids you wish to have, is extremely personal and is every adult's right to make. Our planet is not lacking for human beings.