I ain't no man-hater...

Not long ago, a good friend stated that I harbor some underlying resentment of men. As this was the first time in my 45 years anyone has even suggested such a thing, it was surprising to hear.  After all, I am married to one, I have dated many of them, and best I know, I am a relatively kind-hearted and affectionate wife and girlfriend.  I know that I count former boyfriends among many of my lifelong friends, and I have quite a few platonic male friends.  So, I put this comment in a bucket of things I can't really do anything with, and put it away.

That said, I am aware that I have historically been physically attracted to very few men.  In college, while other girls were experimenting with casual sex and hookups, I was the girl that would freeze out men who approached me in bars and tried to take me home with them.  I am somewhat feisty and "no thank you" is my default setting.  When I have been attracted to men, it's usually been after an extended platonic friendship.  I just don't usually see a man for the first time and say  "wow".  My attraction comes from having some laughs, from interacting for a couple of months as a friend.  A man has to "grow on me" over time. 

Men with whom I have engaged tend to share similar traits.  They have a non-threatening, gentle energy.  They are the kind of men who will refuse to rush into physical relationships and take things slowly.  They are not controlling or dominating, at least not outside of the bedroom.  (we won't go any further down this road) They are not aggressive, not misogynistic, aren't threatened by an independent, strong woman. They don't keep me locked up in a box or try to isolate me from others.  I have to feel as if the guy values me as a complete person and isn't just trying to rack up another number on their list. There have been a couple of exceptions, as I am a human being with inconsistencies, but in those cases, the men usually started off portraying one persona and ended up truly being different than advertised.  And when I have been fooled, I tend to beat myself up too harshly.

I am not in the least bit prudish, but my total "man count" is probably lower than a lot of my peers around my age.  Face it, if you are attracted to a small percentage of the men you meet, and tend to avoid random anonymous hookups, you probably aren't hooking up with a large number of men.  At times, I wonder if I denied myself the experiences a lot of women had before they finally settled down, but it was not worth hooking up with someone to whom I had no physical attraction.  As a young woman, I was always in a semi-serious relationship, and when that ended, I fell into the next semi-serious relationship.  I barely had any "single" time from high school through the time I met my husband. 

I do know I can come off as standoffish to men who are aggressive. If a man just randomly hits on me, I shut them down. I am a fierce defender of equality and respect in relationships.  So, when I am discussing guys with female friends, I often slag off on men who are overly macho, who are misogynistic, who maintain double standards, and who treat women with little respect.  I will not hesitate to tell you that your man is a douche if, in fact, he is.  I have little patience for assholes.  And I do often side with women in issues of divorce and relationship struggles.  I see through the filter of my gender.  I know women who seem to have disdain for other women, who are naturally competitive with other women, and I don't have that gene.  I do tend to be all about the sisterhood. I have a reasonable amount of self-esteem about my worth as a woman, so I don't need to tear other women down in order to feel better about myself. I have my jealousies at times, but they are somewhat rare.  But, by and large, I reserve my judgment for men who deserve it.  I don't attack "nice guys". 

So, do I have underlying resentment towards men?  Some men, yes. Neanderthals, douchebags, absolutely.  But there are plenty of wonderful, kind men in this world, and I don't dismiss them all out of hand.  Perhaps my railing against douchebiscuits was rounded up to man-hating in general.