In the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I encountered a man who had been hyped as a "seer" and a mystic. He assessed me during our conversation. He told me that I was potentially a very powerful young lady concealing a great deal of healing energy, but that I was not yet prepared to use it. He said that I emotionally distanced myself from others by using sarcasm and dark humor, and by avoiding serious conversations. I would have to topple this psychological wall before I could access this power. He said that, subconsiously, I was aware of my powers but was terrified to explore them. As he didn't know me from a hole in the wall, I placed his evaluation in my mental parking lot, and chalked it up to the man trying to get into my 18 year old pants. And, sure enough, he asked me out to dinner.
I was curious enough to accept. I will admit that I felt some combination of attraction and slight revulsion, and my curiosity and hunger for outrageous life experiences won the day. A few days later, he picked me up from my apartment and I found myself at an incredibly expensive French restaurant. His stare was hypnotic, and his slightly lined face, dark tan, piercing eyes, and longish black hair were appealing in a way that a naive, somewhat inexperienced 18 year old would find. He spoke little of himself, but instead, cleverly focused on me as if he found me the most fascinating person on earth. At one point, he asked me to hold up my hand. He placed his hand close to mine without touching it. I felt small circular swirling sensations on my fingertips, and he asked, "Did you feel that?" To this day, I have absolutely no clue how he did this, but I know that I did not imagine it. "I can teach you how to do this, along with so many other things." I have never been in the least bit New Age or Woo Woo, but I will admit that I was fascinated. However, my sensible side kicked in. Why in the world would a man who had to have been 40ish want to date an 18 year old? What were his motives? And, even if he did have powers, I suspected he used them in order to seduce young women. I heard strains of Heart's "Magic Man" in my head, and I ended the date with a mere hug, though I know he was hoping for more. I brought home my leftovers, and shared my escargot and buttery something-or-another with my starving roommates. And I refused to see him again. Part of me was tempted- the idea of taking on a 40 year old lover fascinated me- what things could he teach me? But a 40 year old man who pursues 18 year olds is somewhat oogy, and I sensed he was looking for a starry eyed protégé.
Soon, I had an age-appropriate boyfriend with whom I stayed for 2 years. I adored him, and he adored me, but eventually, we found we had irreconcilable differences. He wanted to move after college to a large city- New York or San Francisco, immerse himself in the art and music scene, and I knew we'd live in an apartment where a large cast of characters would enter and exit at will. I craved a quieter, more solitary existence in a hamlet in Vermont, where I hoped to be a working writer. With no small amount of sadness, I ended the relationship, as I could not see a compromise. And as it turns out, my boyfriend lived his dream, and, though I chose a more practical career, I have spent my adulthood living in small college towns and quiet, woodsy places.
Every now and then, I find myself contemplating what Mystical Man told me about myself. In some ways, he was dead on. I have always used sarcasm and humor to create a level of emotional distance from others. And, though I doubt I am harboring the ability to heal people, over the years, several people have told me that I have "calming energy". I doubt I throw this out in order to be a great humanitarian. I simply need my environment to be peaceful, and when someone around me is agitated or upset, I do experience a feeling of pushing something out of me; some kind of weird energy in order to create harmony around myself. But, I am guessing these things are true for many of us. Perhaps we do all have some kind of hidden power to effect change in the world around us, and it wouldn't be difficult to quickly pick up that I am a smart ass. So, I just throw his words back into the mental parking lot, though I am still completely mystified by the circles he created on my fingertips without even touching me. I am grateful now that I did not allow this man to seduce me. God only knows what kind of damage might have been inflicted, and I now perceive him to be someone who had Manson-like aspirations. I congratulate my naive 18 year old self for having some kind of sense that won over my attraction and curiosity, but there is a part of me that wonders if I would have walked away with an unusual adventure, full of physical intrigue and passion beyond what most 18 year olds usually experience. Heretofore, I had only experienced the fumblings of teenagers. Surely, a fling with a 40 year old would have been a Garden of Earthly Delights.
I also wonder where he is now and what kind of life he has led. He would be well into his sixties by now! I don't think I could possibly locate him, as he used a rather cheesy, New Age, pseudonym, and I haven't a clue as to his real first or last name is. How many young girls were drawn in by his mystical, charismatic, New Age schtick?
How many times do we find ourselves facing choices such as this- where we have a choice between something tempting, but somewhat dangerous, versus taking the sensible, rational route of self-protection? This time, I chose safety. Other times, I have leapt into the abyss. No matter my choice, I often wonder how my life would have changed if I chose differently.
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