Babies, breasts, selfishness, black and white thinking, et al

It is rare when a simple news story sticks in my head for hours or days.  And when it does, it's usually one that highlights a terrible human tragedy- a natural disaster, the untimely death of a child, a human rights injustice.  So, I am somewhat surprised that this article  detailing a simple custody case over an overnight stay has made me ponder parenthood and divorce all day.  A judge has ruled that a mother of a 10 month old baby must stop breastfeeding, so that the father can have overnight visits with his infant.  The mother filed against the father's request, stating that she cannot pump enough breast milk for an extra day or two to send along, and believes that overnight visits should not be allowed as long as she is breastfeeding her baby. 

What fascinates me about this story is not the actual case, about which I can't really hazard a strong opinion without knowing the backstory, but rather the strong, black and white reactions I am reading both on the comments section of the story, and on Facebook.  There are no details about the couple's separation or how they ended up taking this to court, rather than to work it out amongst themselves.  I believe that a mother should not be forced to stop breastfeeding, but I also believe that fathers have the right to bond with their children.  There are many creative solutions that could be employed by reasonable, civil adults who have the best interests of their baby at heart- she could offer to let her ex spend the night in a guest room, or she could drive over freshly expelled milk over the weekend.  The story doesn't even state if a doctor was able to verify whether the mother couldn't, in fact, pump enough breast milk to supply the baby during a sleepover.  Yes, people lie in custody battles, both men and women. The story doesn't mention whether the father has consistently been around, or if he pulled a disappearing act and is now making a late reappearance, demanding his "rights".  These two adults are apparently not mature enough to set aside their differences to work on a reasonable compromise.  However, the people leaving comments either slam the judge and the father as being "selfish", or slam the mother for making up the entire scenario and attempting to keep this child away from the father.  It appears to be a lightning rod for both breastfeeding rights and father's rights, when in fact, it's a typical custody battle between two adults who cannot get it together enough to civilly co-parent. It's fascinating how quickly people can make a judgment with few facts, and, in most cases, how they end up viewing the case through a lens and filter of their own life experiences.

Marriage is tough, tough stuff.  I don't want to jump to judge either one of these parents for the fact that their marriage is over.  Many marriages don't make it, and frankly, many shouldn't.  Though I am a huge fan of going every extra mile to make things work when children are involved, there are cases of abandonment, abuse, and severe dysfunction where children are probably better off with divorced parents.  But, I guess, I fail to understand how two parents cannot set their differences aside and try to be civil for the benefit of the children. I have seen too many cases where parents use their children as pawns in divorce and custody battles, and, frankly, I only sympathize with the kids in these cases.  My own marriage has not been perfect, and there was a moment of crisis that I could have never anticipated.  We were at the point of assessing the house value and looking at apartments.  But, even at our worst moment as a couple, we never fought in front of our daughter, and we were willing to peacefully cohabitate together for a year or two while we tried to get on our feet financially.  We looked at options of living in two apartments in the same community, so that we could have a civil 50/50 custody arrangement.  We discussed having occasional dinners together and went to counseling to learn how to co-parent smoothly.  And, gratefully, the moment passed and our marriage has grown stronger from dealing with this crisis.  But, as bad as things were, we managed to pull our heads from our asses and work together for the sake of our daughter. My own parents managed to pull off the most amicable divorce I have ever seen.  My father has remarried, and my mother gets along with my stepmother, and, in fact, my mother spend a weekend with my daughter at my dad's house along with my stepmother.  My father stays in the guest room at my mom's house when he comes down to visit.  So, it is possible for two people to realize that they cannot live together, but still stay kind to one another and focus on the well-being of their children.

Many people see this as a breastfeeding rights issue.  Many others see it as a father's rights issue.  I see it as a "grow the fuck up and put your kids first" issue.  Your child did not ask to be born in the middle of a nasty divorce.  And your inability to pull it together and compromise is going to heap baggage on your child later in life.  Children of divorce can grow up perfectly well-adapted, but the odds of this happening are far greater if both parents can co-parent peacefully.  Once you have a child, your life is no longer just yours to live.   Mother, grit your teeth and open your guest room to your ex a couple of nights a week.  Set up a travel crib in the guest room.  Or drive over your milk as you pump it.  Father- consider that perhaps an overnight visit might be delayed a couple of months and ask for more daytime visits.  Be a creative problem-solver; be kind. 

This all assumes that one or both of the parties is not a deadbeat parent, or abusive, or batshit crazy, or has abandoned the family. I do not have that backstory, and might take a different view if I knew everything involved.  The people who left inflammatory, strongly opinionated comments don't know the entire story either.  It's easy to assume that the mother is being manipulative, or that the father is selfish.  I'd be happy to split the difference and say that they both are being immature, but I don't know what transpired between the two.  But, geez, pull your heads out of your asses and come up with a solution that takes into account the best interests of the child.