General musings on crunchy parenthood

I am preparing to rant a bit about people with whom I usually identify on so many issues, mainly, the Attachment Parenting/crunchy parent crowd.  Sometimes, I find myself scrutinizing my "own kind" harder than those who are "not my people", because I am trying to find where I fit in this world, philosphically, and it's a given that those families on the opposite end of the spectrum are not my cup of tea, so a rant against these parents is almost a given, and superfluous. 

I have crunchy leanings, and practiced a moderate approach to attachment parenting.  I made a lot of my daughter's baby food, rarely set her down alone on surfaces, wore her around in a carrier, and mostly co-slept.  For the first few months of her life, as she was a preemie and my spouse and I are not exactly reed-like, she slept in a travel crib next to the bed. When she reached about 6 months, we moved her into the middle of the bed, where she stayed until an age I am almost embarrassed to divulge.  We still occasionally wake up and find her wedged between us, and she's 8 years old!  We are very much hands-on, and we play with her much more than most parents played with their children when I was growing up.  I believe in extended nursing, though I was, sadly, unable to do this myself.  So, I am am a vaguely "crunchy" parent, and I am certainly closer to the parenting style I find around Carrboro, NC than I would find in, say, conservative Clayton, NC.

That said, I find that the "crunchy" parents in my area often seem to march in lockstep, go out of their way to choose the absolutely hardest, most work-intensive methods of parenting, and are as dogmatic as those they often criticize.  I remember telling a mother that my child slept next to our bed in a travel crib. She actually told me I had lost "Attachment Parenting" cred, and that our infant should be in the family bed.  At this time, I had not yet lost weight, weighed 240 pounds, and my husband weighed even more.  In fact, we were advised, because of our weight, to NOT co-sleep until our infant was larger and sturdier. I also found that, after I could no longer nurse, I felt the eyes of judgment upon me while I sat in our local crunchy coffeehouse clutching a bottle.  Perhaps this was just projection, but my inability to nurse was already a source of grief for me, and feeling judged absolutely did not help.

Additionally, I am rather disturbed by the vaccine refusal bandwagon.  There are many authors with far more credentials than I who write about vaccine refusal and the public health dangers of such, so I won't dwell on my philosophy here, but I sense that some who have made the decision to withhold all vaccines are doing so because it's part of the litany of "crunchy" parenting decisions they are expected to make by their crunchy friends. I am NOT saying that all parents who refuse vaccinations are trying to be trendy and haven't carefully researched the risks of vaccines, but I AM saying that there are an awful lot of parents who seem to be versed in the dogma of their circles.  I am concerned for those children who, because of immunity disorders, absolutely cannot vaccinate, and are now at increasing risk of developing diseases and dangerous illnesses because people are increasingly refusing mostly safe vaccines for their children.  These parents are only able to make the decision to not vaccinate because the rest of us do.

The anti-vaccine crowd particularly disturbs me because it is part of an overall distrust of "experts".  Somehow, propaganda bandied around via the internet is considered more authoritative than the careful findings of medical researchers who have conducted clinical trials.  And, this impulse seems to be found on both the extreme left and the extreme right. The extreme left, at least, will produce opposing research from a few credible resources, but the extreme right will forward anonymous e-mails and quotes from people who do not have scientific or medical backgrounds (I trust my doctor before I trust a Playboy bunny, thanks), or random Biblical interpretations to justify vaccine refusal.  For the right, distrusting medical research falls in line with a general distrust of intellectuals and "pointy-headed liberals".  I can respect the decision to delay a few vaccines, or to skip those that researchers consider "optional", but a blanket decision to refuse all vaccines because they are "not natural", or could lead to autism, is rather bothersome.  Polio is "natural".  Would you rather your child have it? And, if I were the parent of a child with autism, I would be thoroughly insulted that my child's condition might be considered worse than death or Polio. Not to mention that the link between modern vaccines and autism has been thoroughly debunked.

As I evaluate the kind of parenting I did when my daughter was young, I am struck at the pressure and guilt I heaped upon myself unnecessarily.  I did not drop dead because my mother had to stop breastfeeding early, nor did I fall apart because I ate Gerber's.  In fact, I was a healthy child.  I feel properly "attached" to my parents even though they did not sling me, and, gasp, occasionally set me down on surfaces other than my skin. I was not traumatized by sleeping in my crib in my own room and being sleep trained.  The AP choices I made were exhausting, isolated me from my own spouse at times, and contributed to my feeling overwhelmed and incompetent.  Incompetent, because I often resented the difficulty of such high energy parenting.  I struggled with PPD, and choosing such a work-intensive parenting style absolutely did not help. And, anecdotally, one of the side effects we have experienced from the co-sleeping and "intense" parenting is that we have a daughter who could probably stand a little "detachment".  She cannot bear to be alone, and squawks at going upstairs to get something out of her room without us accompanying her. She still wants to sleep in our bed.  She often would rather play with us than with children her own age.  How much of this is temperament and being an only child, and how much of this is a result of what I now consider overparenting is unclear.   I tended to helicopter the crap out of this child, and I am now seeing the results.

If I could start over again with another baby, would I do things differently?  Probably some, yes. I'm still not completely against co-sleeping, but I would probably move my child into his or her own room once a toddler. I would do the best I could, but would not torment myself into believing I had permanently ruined my child if things didn't work out the way I wanted, or if I needed to adapt a slightly less exhaustive parenting style.  I would free myself of the expectation that I should be a perfect mother.  And I would probably encourage a bit more independence this time around.  I am working now with a generation of college students who were helicoptered, and I see their struggles in working independently.  They are terrified of making mistakes, and often approach us for hand-holding that I did not require when I was in college. I enjoyed independent problem solving, and I work with kids every day who cannot write up a simple bibliography without asking for help with every single reference.  I am afraid that I have inadvertently created a child who will ask for our help in everything she is asked to do, and I fear for these young people as they get out into the work world and are suddenly asked to take initiative.  I am currently trying to hover a bit less, and to practice a bit of "free range parenting", but I will admit that it's a struggle.

I will add that so many crunchy families I see have almost retreated into a regressive, pre-feminist world.  Women who are highly educated and had some level of career success are retreating to a world of baking (organic) cookies, homeschooling, and taking on an exhaustive parental style that pretty well requires them to completely subsume their individual identities into their children.  They are almost like a very crunchy version of Stepford Wives.  While I will fight for a woman's right to be a SAHM mom, and for it to be a valid choice for feminists. I hope these women have thought through what they may do if they become widowed or divorced, or if they try to re-enter the work world years later, only to find themselves made irrelevant.  By all means, enjoy those early childhood years at home, if you can swing it financially, as you can never get them back.  But it behooves you to keep up with professional organization, stay abreast of trends in your profession, and continue to network and keep those connections.  If possible, pick up some part time work when your child is older, or volunteer.  I read an article recently on the "opt out" generation of mothers who are struggling to "opt back in".  One woman with an Ivy League background was abandoned by her husband and was having a difficult time re-entering the workplace.  Many of them eventually found that their formerly egalitarian husbands were beginning to take advantage of the power imbalance in their marriage.  I can only hope that women who take a break from lucrative careers to stay at home keep abreast of trends in their profession, in case they decide to re-enter the workforce.  Honestly, I would have loved to have stayed out of work for a few years, but I can look back and see that my daughter has not suffered.  I make sure that our time together counts, and we spend so much of my off-time together.  Additionally, my daughter has a chance to see her mother as a whole person with a whole identity outside of motherhood.  I have hobbies, we each take one night off a week, and I would like her to grow up believing she still has the right to have some life outside of family.

In general, I am finding myself now to be a parent whose philosphy is moderation and common sense.  Too much screen time can be harmful and the typical American diet is crap, but a little TV and the occasional sugary treat will not kill your child. It didn't kill you.  I fear that if I am too extreme with such things my kid will fetishize junk food and TV, and will mainline this stuff as soon as they are old enough to leave the house and play with friends. I am a big fan of the 80/20 rule.  If you practice healthy habits 80% of the time, you can enjoy a little indulgence 20% of the time.  I will opt for the vaccination schedule my doctor and NIH recommends, but will keep myself open to reading about side effects, and will evaluate as the evidence comes in.  I will keep a close eye on my child and try to keep her safe as best I can, but I will also let her explore and find a little autonomy.

This is probably the last "parenting wars" judgmental rant I'll ever post, and in fact, I feel some guilt for writing this at all.  Most parents truly want the best for their children, but just have different ideas of what that means. Crunchy parents are highly principled,  care deeply for the well-being of their children, and I agree with them on so many issues.  I think, so often, that it's a temperament issue.  Crunchy parents were usually crunchy pre-parents, and have probably tended to choose lifestyles that are a bit more extreme and rigid than my own.  And maybe my reaction is correlated to my general discomfort when I encounter extremes.